Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Only 2 nights to go!

Every year this happens, Christmas sneaks up on me!  The presents are bought, wrapped, and almost ready to go... but it feels like there is just so much more I could do!  It's not helping that I am still working on getting the house set up.  It is looking better each and every day, it's just taking me so much longer to get to this point than I would have liked.

I am hoping the boys enjoy Christmas this year, I'm hoping that I can still make it as wonderful for them as in years past.  I'm pretty confident they will like their gifts, especially the Wii system I bought for all of us.  The only other gifts are some Santa ones, and little stocking stuffers.  These next 2 days are going to be busy and hopefully fun filled, I just hope we all survive!!

Things are progressing very nicely with the Divorce, it should all be wrapped up nice and early in the New Year.  It's going to be a superb way to start 2010 off, having the divorce stuff behind me!  Now, I won't actually be divorced until mid May, but the divorce decree will be complete, and just waiting for a judge to sign off on it.  Back in May this day seemed like the worst thing could ever happen to me, and now, it feels so very freeing!  I don't think I will ever like being a single Mom to my boys, but I would rather stay single than have my Ex back in my life.  Of this I am 100% positive, I do not want him back.

Monday, December 21, 2009

So tired....

The last few days I have found myself to be so very, very tired!  Yes, I know I stay up later than I should, but it's not that late when I finally crash.  And yes, the boys visit me throughout the night, but I have been getting used to that for over 5 years.  It could be from the short cold days we are having, you know, that hibernation that can try to settle in over the winter months... but I don't have time for that!  I just need to be awake and present during the day.

I have accomplished a lot the last few days, made some wonderful progress on the house.  Not sure I will have it all done before I head up North for a week, but it should be enough that it won't bother me.  I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to getting away from things for a whole entire week!  There will be no screaming children, no housework, and no responsibility of any kind!!!  Sounds a bit like Heaven, doesn't it?!

The best part will be spending time with P.  It's been almost 4 weeks that I have seen P, which is much too long.  Of course, I have been fairly busy with the boys, this house, and also finalizing things for the divorce... so, my time has been limited.  Come the New Year, I should have more spare time to hopefully spend with P.

On the subject of my Divorce, I am hopeful that I will be signing the papers this Wednesday!  I have also talked to the bank about taking over the mortgage, so that it is in my name only.  Income wise everything is good, it's just waiting on the credit report.  It will be a wonderful feeling to have these last 7 months behind me, and only look to my future.  It is a far different future than I dreamed of at the beginning of the year, but one that I am looking forward to very much.

I don't want to hold myself back anymore, I want to experience new things.  I'm sure I will get hurt along the way, but at least I will know that I am living my life.  So, if there was one New Years resolution I would make for 2010, it would be to live my life to the fullest!

Friday, December 18, 2009

They look great!

Well, it is done!  My nipples are pierced with bar bells, and it went so well.  It did hurt, but not as much as I would  have thought, the tattoo removal was much harder to take.  So far I have no pain from the piercing, but I do know they are in place.  I think it looks awesome, and am already planning more piercings.  I would eventually like to get rings placed in, but I need to wait at least 3 months for the piercing to heal properly before making any changes.

I am now wondering just why I waited so many years to do this.  It feels so incredible to finally take my life in hand and make it my own.

Nervously Excited!

Well, today is the day!  I will be getting both my nipples pierced this afternoon.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous, but I am excited too.  I have secretly wanted this for so long, it will be nice to finally follow through.

I will also be finding some information on an opportunity today.  I don't want to say too much, as it is looking like it could be a long shot.  This day could hold so many things for me today!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I am exctited!

So, this Friday I am going to Tribal Expressions.  They are a highly recommended piercing parlour.  This may shock some of you, but those that have known me longer won't be as surprised.  I am getting my nipples pierced!  I have wanted this done for many, many years.  Long before I met my Ex.  I was always nervous about doing, and then once I was with my Ex, I knew he wouldn't approve.  So, here I am in my middle 30's, about to get my nipples pierced!  I am anxiously awaiting Friday afternoon now.

I will also be getting my tattoo lasered so that it can be fixed up properly by my tattoo artist.  I just need the top two colours (red & green) to be lasered off, then go back in to have it all touched back up.  Once it is done and healed, I will be planning my next one.  I would like to get mine and the boys birth flowers tattooed across my back and along my sides.  This one will probably take more than one session, but will be worth it in the end.

You may be wondering why I am doing all this.  It's a pretty easy answer.  I am now doing all the things I would have done had I not married the Ex 13 years ago.  I knew he did not approve of tattoo's or piercing, so I refrained from getting any.  Now that I am not living my life for anyone but myself, I am finally going ahead with these things.  Whoever I end up with next will have to accept me for who I am. I will not change myself so drastically again.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Time for Change

Yup, I need to change the look/direction of this blog.  It is not showing who I am becoming.  Change will be coming soon!

Finding Me

It has been some time since I last posted.  I wouldn't say I was crazy busy this whole time, or totally bored... just somewhere in between.  I have been slowly taking stock of my life, where I have been, where I am, and where I am going.  You know, the usual type of thing to do when your life has been turned upside down.  I have found solid ground to place my feet on, it's just now figuring out the direction that I want to take them.

First off, I am happy.  I find it very strange that I can say that, only 7 months after my husband of 13 years left me for another women.  But, it is very true.  I am happy to be in charge of my life, to take it where I want it to go.  I am ecstatic to do the things I have thought of with longing for so many years, but always worried whether or not my husband would approve.

I believe your head tells you where others want you to be, your heart tells you where your ties are, but listening to your soul...tells you where to go.

I am still taking each day as it comes, and slowly learning how to relax with my boys.  I no longer want to be the controlling Mom that I was, it is not really who I am.  This I am finding harder to change, which you would think would be the easiest?!?  I have learned how to use a power drill, not sure why I waited so long!  My house is a mess, especially compared to how I kept the old one.  But, I no longer want to be the 'Perfect House Mom'.  I am so far from being perfect, and never want to be either.

I am getting my tattoo fixed up next month, as well as getting a few piercings. I am hoping to start work on my next tattoo in February, March at the latest.  I am coming out of my shell, and living how I want to live.

I also think I need to either re-vamp this blog, or start another one.  This one has morphed (as life does) over the year, and does not really reflect who or what I am anymore.  I may keep it around for posts about my boys, but for myself, I think a change is in order.  I want to be freer about who I am. 

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

A Positive!

Okay, so yesterday was a not so great day around here, but there was one big positive! I am only 2lbs away from my weight loss goal of 135lbs. My brain is also finally catching up with the changes, and I'm actually starting to feel thin! Here is the progression of photos from April to now.

April 2009 184lbs
July 15th, 2009 154.6lbs
November 1st, 2009 137.2lbs

Monday, November 2, 2009


Do you ever fail at things?? I have many times in my life, but none hurt me the way this failure has. Can you guess what it is???

My son, my Monkey. I have failed him. I have failed to protect him, failed to always keep him safe, failed to keep life from hurting him. I do realize I can't protect him all his life, but he's only 5 and a half years old. It is my job, and my duty to protect him now. And yes, I have failed.

I have failed to protect him from his own family, he is hurting so much over all that has happened. And he will continue to hurt over this his whole life, because I couldn't keep his family together. I was given no choice, no option... but it is still my failure. I am his Mother and Father right now, and I have failed.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Slacking on my blogging lately!!!

I have been such a blog slacker lately! It just seems that life has kind of taken over, which in many ways is not a bad thing. The house is slowly getting organized, still lots going on though. Painting should be done in a few days, the doorway to Little Man's room is in, and I even have a door to my bedroom. There are still a number of updates that I would like to do, but they can wait a few weeks to a month. Right now I just want to fully settle in, and enjoy things for a while.

For myself, I am doing really, really well. I haven't felt this good about myself in more years than I can remember. Don't ask why I did this, but I tried my wedding dress on last week. Within just a few months of getting married 13 years ago, I started gaining the weight, which means I have not been able to put it on since that day. Well, it fits now, probably better than it did all those years ago. The only real sentiment I felt wearing that dress, was that my good friends mother made it. When the divorce is final, I will decide what to do with it... maybe a wedding dress burning bonfire???

I did get out for some fun this past weekend, how wonderful that was! I love my boys completely, but it is nice to feel like a women as well at times... an attractive, hot one at that ;). I'm sure you will all agree that having a man look at you in that certain way is one hell of a boost to the ego! And I got some major ego boosting this weekend. Now to just work more of that time in.

Soccer for the boys started last week, their first organized sporting event. I can't even explain just how excited they were. Bug took to soccer like a duck to water, that boy certainly loves to run! Corbin also had a blast, it will be good for him to participate in activities like this with his friends. It was also a nice chance for me to meet some of the Mom's & Dad's, which is hard at school pick-up and drop-offs. I will be seeing these people many, many times over the coming years, and would like a good relationship with them.

Speaking of house and soccer, I need to get some laundry going, and get ready for Bug's soccer practice!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Almost forgot to introduce Catch

In my earlier musings, I forgot to introduce the newest member of our family. She was picked up from our local humane society, a suggestion that Monkey made (I am very proud of him for this choice) when I said we could get another cat. Catch is a 5 month old grey tabby. She is very active, purrs beautifully, and even chatters a bit. She is settling in well so far, of course Luna has been in hiding ever since. Luna is in her 13th year, so with the moving, and now new cat, she has a right to be a bit grumpy. I do hope they can be friends eventually though.

The boys are over the moon with Catch especially Little Man, he is constantly running around calling out Kitty! He is good with her for the most part, but does need to learn how to hold her a bit better. Thankfully Catch is very tolerant of Little Man's attention, which is why I wanted a cat under 6 months of age. As I sat with her last night, I did wonder if I got her for the boys, or myself? It felt good to have something so little and sweet to hold, something that loves unconditionally. It felt like she was bringing me a little bit of healing with her rumbling purr.

Flashing back.

They say that when you die, your life flashes before your eyes. I believe that impending divorce is a lot like that. I find myself 'flashing' back to past events several times a day. Sometimes it's from going someplace that He and I went together, or doing something We did together, and other times it doesn't seem to correlate at all. What surprises me the most, is how mundane some of those things were, nothing really momentous. I would have thought it would be the big things that would get to me. Then again, it is the daily, mundane things, that really form our lives. The great big momentous events, are just that, events. Some of course are more central to who we are, like the first time you hold your baby in your arms, but most are things that we enjoy and then move on from.

These flashes usually leave me feeling a little sad, even a little lonely, which is saying a lot when I am surrounded by my three boisterous boys all day. I don't get weepy, or start crying, just feel sad that those moments will never happen again. I don't really miss Him right now, but I miss who he used to be, who We used to be. The person he has become I do not want in my life, I don't need that in my life, and of course I don't need Her in my life either. That is probably the whole crux of this situation, Her. In His quest for this new life, he has left behind something incredible. I wonder if he realizes just what he has given up, and that it is gone forever. I am not just talking about the boys, but about our marriage. He may say that we should never have been married, but I will not believe that. I was happy, nothing he says will change that. I loved him with every fiber of my being, and would have done anything in my power to make our marriage work. But, that choice was ripped away from me, by actions and choices that I was not a part of.

Will I ever forgive him for this? I don't know. Will we ever be friends again? Again, I can't say. I truly hope that one day we can, we have many years in which we must be co-parents to our three boys. For their sake, I pray that we can come to an understanding, and soon.

Monday, October 5, 2009

I'm Home!

I write this while sitting in my new house, the first night in my new house actually... it feels amazing! I got possession of the house last Wednesday, but spent the first 4 days cleaning and moving boxes. The furniture was moved in yesterday, which left me last night and today to get things ready to bring the boys over. They were so excited to get in here, didn't have too many issues this first night. Bug did say he wanted to sleep at Grandma's house, but I did convince him (wasn't that difficult) that he should stay here with me.

It feels so incredible to have all this space for myself and the boys, things were a little cramped at my parents house. The privacy is something I have been dreaming about for weeks, it's nice to have my own space to breath.

Things will be a bit crazy around here for the next week or so, I have someone coming to paint in the evenings, and of course the typical organizing and cleaning. Enough to keep me busy for a few weeks. One of the big items on my list is to get the garage sorted out so I can park the van in it. We had the first snow fall Saturday, and scraping snow and ice off my van is NOT my idea of fun. Let's just hope that the weather holds off for a little while, at least enough time to get the garage done.

I will start taking pictures of each room as it gets done, painting and organizing. I can't wait to see how it will all work out!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

It's been a while....

So, it's been a number of weeks since my last post! Not sure why I haven't written, lots to say, just haven't felt like writing it down I guess. It's almost feels that since my life is in limbo right now, other things are in limbo too?!?!? Not sure if it makes sense, but it's how I feel! This limbo life will be over in just a few short days though, I can hardly wait to be in my new house. The boys are pretty excited too, I think we are all looking forward to our own place.

I of course am, and always will be, forever grateful to my parents for letting us stay with them this last month. It has been a total life saver for us, especially for the boys. It has really cemented their relationship with their grandparents, something they really need in this time of uncertainty. I am though really looking forward to having some privacy (and I'm sure my parents are looking forward to the quiet when we are gone) again, I'm not used to sharing my evenings with anyone anymore.

Only one real thing of note to mention tonight, I finally got a new tattoo!!! I absolutely love it, it feels like it has always been there. I can now hardly wait to plan and get my next one!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Being Single

First off, I LOVE my boys, and feel very blessed to have them in my life, but... this whole single Mom thing can really suck! I have no choice but to do everything with them, unless I can find someone to watch them. This includes Dr's appointments, grocery shopping, errands, clothes shopping (trust me, this one really sucks!), pretty much anything and everything that you encounter during the day. To just have a small break every other day of about an hour would be heaven sent! To not have to listen to the questions, fighting, crying, screaming, and general babble, to actually hear my own thoughts. I guess right now living with my parents I don't even get my quiet evenings, which is maybe why I am finding this so hard.

Before moving in here, I would spend my evenings either reading a book, cleaning, surfing online, sewing, relaxing. Pretty much anything I wanted to do, as long as it was at home. I just don't feel as comfortable doing most of that here, and of course somethings I want to do, I want privacy for... sorely lacking right now. Again, only 3 weeks!

I still don't know how long I will be doing this on my own, when He will be moving back here (he is presently living in England), or even if he will. As much as I don't want to not have the boys around, having every other weekend to myself to do with as I please would be rather nice. My social life is seriously lacking right now, as I have only been 'out' 3 or 4 times since May. Rather hard to meet people when you can't get out much. I don't necessarily want to date right now, but it would be nice to socialize. The idea of dating is kind of scary, I haven't thought along those lines in 13 years, and I'm sure things have changed since then too. Things have certainly changed for me, as I will always have 3 small boys to consider when I meet new men. I won't just be considering who would be good for me, but who would be okay with my boys. That will be one in the same from now on.

Ugh, can you tell I'm tired and my head is running around in circles??!?!? I just pray that tonight I can actually get a decent nights sleep!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

School Season is upon us!

Monkey had his first day of school last Thursday, what a big milestone! My little boy is now attending 'Big Boy' school, it's amazing how quickly they grow up. I was proud that I didn't cry, but I did get teary. This Friday Bug will start back up at pre-school, he will be attending 3 days a week this year. I will actually have 3 mornings a week just with the Little Man! It will be really nice for Little Man to have some Mama time, he very rarely gets one on one time with me.

The boys and I are slowly settling into my parents house, I think it is harder on me then them. They get to see Grandma & Grandpa every day, which is pretty much heaven to them. But for me, it's not ideal. I really need and miss my quiet time each day, especially my privacy! There really isn't any room in the house that I can be guaranteed privacy. I am sharing a room with Little Man, and across the hall is Monkey & Bug. The rest of the rooms are of course common ones that are shared with my parents. I just keep reminding myself that it is only for 3 weeks... just 3 weeks. If I can camp alone with the 3 little boys, I can handle 3 weeks in my parents house!

Sunday, September 6, 2009


I will come back on later to talk about our trip, but until then, enjoy the slide show!

Friday, August 21, 2009

Got It!

I picked the tent trailer up this morning! Hauling it behind the van (Honda) wasn't as bad as I thought, although I did take things pretty slow. It isn't that difficult to set up, should easily be able to do it with the kids still in the Van, or even helping me a little bit. Right now I am trying to go through all the gear, see what we have, and what we might need. Since I had to clear the pantry out, I do have a fair amount of dry goods to use up. It will just be seeing what I need to fill in any gaps.

You will not hear this from me often, but I wish the day was a little cooler. It is hard work digging out all the things I need, and the heat is not helping one bit!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

a few bumps

Well, a few bumps, and few hours later... I can now say I am finally done! I will never have to see that house again, I can learn to forget about the last few months there... or at least try. The money is in the bank, and I am ready to walk away.

To New Beginnings!!!!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Well, as of 8:30am tomorrow (Thursday, August 19th, 2009), I will be saying good bye to the house I have lived in for the last 2 years. It is not a truly bad house, it was entered into with hopes and dreams. There are many memories I will cherish from that house, especially one.

On November 24th, 2007, I gave birth to Little Man in that house, in fact, in the bathtub in the master en-suite. That night, my family grew by one more member. I have now left that house missing one family member. But it was not by death that a family member was lost, but by desertion. Yes, my Husband was my family, he was my life, he was an integral part of my family. That particular family is now gone, replaced by another, even stronger one.

This new family is of course myself and the boys, but bonded together with the love and support from so many other people. Even though a key person is gone, I have gained so much more than I have lost. I am truly blessed by the support I have found during this most difficult time in my life. Without it, I would not be standing on my own two feet right now. I do realize that it is not over for me yet, I still have many hurdles to cross, but I know that I will get through them... because of my boys, and the friends and family that I have.

To everyone that has been there for me, THANK YOU. You have all brought me to this point, saying good bye to that house. Again, Thank You.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Stressing out....

I am so starting to seriously stress out, I'd forgotten just how much I hate moving and cleaning! Add all the other stresses on top of this one, and let's just say it's not pretty. Must remember that it is only another few days, then I can take a breather for a month.... or as much of one as the boys will allow!

I just want into my new house desperately, I need to be there, I need to settle somewhere. Please let me get in early.

Saturday, August 15, 2009


So, the boys are moved out to Grandma & Grandpa's, and I have the house to myself tonight! Although I do not plan on staying here all that much longer, just waiting for a friend to get over here so we can head out. We are going to check out the Tattoo convention, then off for some drinks. I am looking for an artists to do a piece on the back of my neck. It will be a Victorian Stylized light post, the colours will be the boys birthstones. Monkey is Emerald (the one I am also telling to Go), the Bug is Ruby (the one I am constantly saying Stop to), and then Little Man is Topaz (the one that I am always saying be careful to). I figure it will be around 3 inches long, and 1 to 2 inches wide.

I do want to get another one done, but it will have to wait till next year I think. I would like it to start on my lower abdomen, travel up my side, and finish off on my upper back. That one will consist of the boys birth flowers, and maybe mine as well. I have wanted to get more ink (I have one tattoo on my stomach, that I got 13 years ago) for a very long time, and I do not feel like waiting anymore. It is time I do what I want, and not worry about anyone else. And this will not affect the boys in any way, so I say let's do it!!!

Tomorrow will be the day to get everything out of here, I am so excited! I can hardly wait to have this house put behind me, the last few months have not been good here.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


Talk about trying new things... I am going to be taking my boys camping in a tent trailer starting next Friday! We will be camping in the mountains for the first 8 nights, then in Cochrane for another week. I am slightly terrified to be doing this, so many things to think about and get prepared for. But, I know that we need this time together, time that I haven't had while packing this house up.

The only other terrifying thing is hauling a trailer with the van! I have never pulled anything before, thankfully it's only going to be a tent trailer. At Lake Louise, thankfully all the spots are pull through, so I won't have to worry about the torture of trying to back the trailer up. Not sure I will be ready for that the first day out. I'm pretty sure I will need to back up in Cochrane, but I can deal with that problem when and if it arrives.

Hopefully my next post will be all about getting out of this house, and putting that part of my life behind me!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Making progress

I finally feel like I am making progress! It is now just down to the kitchen really, only a few odds and ends around the house. I have a van full of various things to take out to Cochrane in the morning. I have things for good will, and things of his to drop off out there as well. I will then be making another trip with the van to take some boxes out to my parents place. They have a large storage tent set up by their garage, and three waiting palates. I am hoping to get as much as possible in the tent, to help keep their garage free... although I suspect some items will be finding their way next door, but at least there will still be room for one vehicle.

The boys were as usual running a little wild, doing their best to get my attention. I feel really badly that I can't spend time playing with them, or even reading them a story. Thankfully I only have a week left here, and can then spend as much time doing things with them as I want. Monkey has been really naughty lately, getting into things that just drive me insane! I keep finding creams poured into my sink, plugs moved around, and other various things. Bug just keeps going from one thing to another, and always looking for snuggles. Then there is Little Man. Nothing is safe with him around, it is all fair game! That little mischievous smile of his just pulls on my heart every time though.

It is now time for me to get some sleep, the boys are usually up bright and early... and of course I have a lot to do.


I just finished reading an entry at my friend Lisa's Blog, Urbane Bliss. How true she writes. Why do we need this 'stuff' that fills our lives up, other than the necessities, do we really need it. For me, as I look around this massive house, that in the end did not see happiness, all I can see is stuff! I have whittled down, I have given away, but there is still so much. To live that simple life, how much more can I get rid of? What do I not want/need that could benefit someone else. I have already taken around 8 bags of clothes to the goodwill in Cochrane, where all proceeds go back to the community. I have taken household items in as well, now I guess it's time for some furniture.

During packing I have gone through the things that were accumulated during 13 years of marriage, one that is ending very unhappily. I remember the trips we took, the travels we had, the memories they invoke. At the time I was so very happy, I still refuse to believe he wasn't. I no longer want those memories, I no longer want to be reminded of what will never be again. The truly very hard thing for me, is that some of those memories also include my very wonderful children. Which means that some of those things will remain, as they need to have them to know that their parents were once extremely happy.

I am looking forward to my much smaller house, a much simpler life, and pray that it is a much happier one as well. There will be complications, and issues will arrive, but if we can have that simple life that Lisa talks about, those problems won't make a real dent in our lives.

We should all strive to live our lives simply, without worrying about what the next person has. We do not need new furniture (except for my new bed, I refuse to sleep on my marital bed after this week!!!), or new things. This has given me much food for thought!

Saturday, August 8, 2009


Have I mentioned yet how tired I am of packing???? How the heck did I get stuck doing this by myself??? Someone please tell me??? Oh, I know! It is all very clear in my mind....

I did get out last night to meet some ladies for some lovely cheese cake and drinks. It was a last minute type of thing, and boy did I need it. When I look around this house, and see all the crap everywhere, I feel like... well... crap! I do not like my house messy, it gives me the heebie, jeebies. I just have to keep reminding myself that it will only be for another week, that's it, just one more week!!!!

Oh, I am getting the storage trailer brought over tonight. Now to just find someone to help me move the furniture into it!!! Anyone??? Anyone???

Thursday, August 6, 2009

So very tired

I still have at least one week of packing to do, and I am already so very, very tired. I really wish the packing fairy would come here and just get it done for me. I'm thinking I may never move again to just avoid the stress of moving!!!!

To prove just how tired I am, here's what happened at bedtime tonight. The boys of course have been running a little wild this last week, being cooped up in the house most days due to the weather, has not helped the situation one bit. Then Uncle John came over tonight to install the new dishwasher, which I am forever grateful for! But, they of course wanted to help Uncle John, which as I'm sure you all know, isn't really helping. It was then I decided they needed to go to bed early tonight.

At 6:45pm, I had them upstairs getting ready. Shortly after 7pm, they were in their respective beds. I was in the chair in Little Man's room while he was in his bed, trust me, this is an improvement! The last month I have had to hold him so that he can fall asleep, not exactly the highlight of my evenings... although once in a while is nice, but my poor arms need a rest too. Well, next thing you know, I wake up to Little Man playing quietly on his bed, and some chattering coming from down the hallway??? I get up, and head down the hall to see what is going on.

I found Monkey & Bug in the formers room, with the three suitcases from my room, along with a now empty tube of toothpaste (all natural, thank God), and a large pile of toonies!!! How the heck did I miss hearing all that??? They would have had to go right past Little Man's room a few times to get all 3 suitcases out, and then the toonies as well. With three little boys in this house, I usually wake up to the slightest sound. When I was able to get back downstairs, the clock said it was 15 minutes after 8pm.

This all points to a very tired, and stressed out Mama. I can't wait to get this house packed up, and the things I don't want sold or removed for consignment. I just want this part of my life behind me, and move on to better things. I want to live again, not just deal with crap!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Packing, packing & more packing!

We have had crappy weather the last few days, which goes along with the crappy job of packing up this house! I am luckily getting a lot of help from friends and family, but it is still a very large job. I should really be utilizing my evenings once the kids are in bed, but I am so busy during the day packing, dealing with them, getting errands done, and whatever else needs to be done... that I just don't want to spend every evening packing!!!! Although, the quicker I get this done, the quicker I can spend some good quality time with the boys!!!

The boys have just been crazy lately, mostly due to the lack of any real schedule going on right now. Having boxes piling up, Mama busy all the time, and so many changes happening, is not helping things at all right now. What's really not helping is how clingy they are to me these days, makes it hard for my friends to watch them while I try to get some packing done. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is only temporary, and I will have them back to a routine very soon.

Mornings have been improving the last few days. I am making sure I get up around 6am each day, so that I can be ready to help them out right away. We have actually been down to breakfast at a decent time the last few days, something that had been slipping for a few months now. I have never professed to be a morning person, but for them, I am going to have to be. Once school starts next month, we will have to be dressed and out the door by 8am each and every weekday. Right now I'm lucky if we are eating breakfast by 8am.

Another reason to be up earlier, is to avoid massive destruction to this house while I have my shower!!! The things that little man gets into when I leave the room for 5 minutes is impressive, just think of what happens when I am gone for 30 minutes. I came down the other morning to find my used tea bag opened and strewn about the counter, the banana's all had finger holes covering them, the chairs were strategically positioned around the kitchen to access any and all things that appeal to a 20 month old.... which is pretty much everything. It is just too nerve wracking to continue with that... so Mama now has to learn to be up super early each day to get herself ready before diving into the day.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Feeling pretty good.

I am really starting to feel better, about myself, and about where I am going. I look better than I have in over 10 years, and I'm still losing. In another few months (I have between 12lbs and 22lbs to go) I will be at my goal weight, can't wait to get some shopping done this fall. I have a great house to move into in a few months, and even found out yesterday that there is a possibility of moving in earlier, which would be incredible. I have three absolutely amazing boys that love me unconditionally, something that no one can take away. Many people do not realize that I am 35, would not put me older than about 27/28 years old. Before I lost the weight I had finally started to look my age, now that has been reversed. Guess it means I could easily go for a younger man LOL.

As much as I do still love him, I do not like him, and each and every day my love is slowly falling away. I can't wait for the day that my feelings are diminished enough that what he says to me, does not hurt or affect me the same as it does now. I know it will take time, but I am slowly getting there, which is what I need to be able to move on with my life. Love is not something I can just turn off with a switch. With the help of my friends, family and counselor, I will get to a healthier place in regards to my feelings for him. I will not allow what he has done, to ruin the rest of my life.

I am only now realizing just how much of myself I repressed while with him, just how much of myself I put away to make things better for him. I did too much for him, and not enough for me. Who I really am is coming out, and she is incredible strong. I am going to make the most of this new life I have, make it a life that I can be proud of... that my boys can be proud of!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Sale is final!

The house out in Cochrane is mine, well in 2 months LOL. The conditions were met this morning, so now all I have to do is wait. I'm not doing much tonight, just very, very tired. I've had a few late nights lately, which have finally caught up with me. I will be finding my own bed fairly soon tonight.

I was back in the house on Wednesday for the inspection, which I was very nervous about. I essentially bought that house with only ever being inside the one time back in early June, and even though I remember thinking it was a good house for me and the boys, I was worried my memory may have been flawed. Well, it wasn't.

The house is actually bigger than I remembered, and the kitchen much nicer too. The kitchen I have now is nice, but the new one is much better laid out cupboard wise. I will truly enjoy being in that kitchen. The bedrooms were all pretty much how I remembered as well, all good sizes, with plenty of room for the 4 of us. The yard though was much bigger than I remembered. The boys will love having that yard to play in, especially with the park right outside the back gate. The only true drawback to a yard that size is maintenance. I may just have to consider hiring someone to mow that lawn, or figure out a schedule with my parents to allow me the time to get it done.

I also went and purchased a new bed after the house inspection. I am very much looking forward to sleeping in a new bed, one that does not have memories of him associated with it. He can have the 3 beds in this house, I really and truly do not want to see them after I leave here in 3 weeks. I have already picked out the bedding I would like, unless of course I come across something I like better before I move in. I want the bedding picked before I take possession so that I can figure out what colour to paint my new bedroom.

All in all, I am very pleased with the purchase I have made. It is going to be a wonderful home for me and my boys, a place to make new, wonderful, happy memories. Here are some of the pics I took yesterday. The one with an arrow pointing to a garage is showing where my parents are in relation to my front lawn.

Sunday, July 26, 2009


So, I am coming down from the highs of the last week. The monster house is sold, and I have secured the purchase of my new house, and now I need to pack. Not really something I want to do, but it needs to be done. I have just over 3 weeks, more than enough time... I already have 4 boxes of books done.

I got my hair cut and dyed yesterday, it was supposed to be done the day after He told me he was leaving me. It's taken me this long to want to get it done again, and it felt great! My stylist made some interesting comments as well. She says that I am glowing more, look happier, and just seem more outgoing. She also said that it sounds like there was some mental abuse going on, whether it was noticeable or not. It makes me wonder....

When looking back, I have noticed that I fit myself to work into his life, but I can't see anywhere that he tried to fit into mine. It was all about him, and I followed along. The thing was, I didn't see it, or maybe I just didn't want to notice. I'm not sure why I let myself be put on the back burner like that, it's not who I really am, or who I want to be. I matter, I count. I don't think he wanted someone who could handle things on her own, could still function by herself. I think it made his insecurities even worse. Problem is, I can handle anything that life throws my way. Especially now that I have woken up, and taken control of my life again.

It's amazing what I have already done since this all happened. I have lost 33lbs, taken my boys camping, hikes, sold a house, bought a new one. In 3 weeks I will be taking them out in a tent trailer for 2 weeks. I'm not sure I would have had the courage to do this before, but I certainly have it now. I put my life (and the boys) on hold when he was away, I'm not sure why I did that. I will not put my life on hold for anyone again.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

A sneak peak...

Here's a sneak peak at my new house. I will have more pics/video next week, but wanted to get a few up now. I'm already dreaming about how to decorate it, colours, and furniture placement.

My New House

I just signed the papers for the sale of my new house!!!! I have till the 31st to have the conditions lifted, but I am not even remotely worried about that. The inspection will be either Tuesday or Wednesday, I can't wait to get in to the house again. I will walk the boys over to the park today, and show them the yard. I am truly looking forward to seeing what they think.

This is such a big step for me. I have never made such a large purchase on my own before, and it was a little scary... but, it is just another accomplishment for me. This will be my house, he has had nothing to do with the purchase, or even choosing. I have never looked forward to a place this much before. Just a little over two months and I will be in.

I also realized yesterday, that in just 3 years, all 3 boys will be walking down the street to school!!!!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

So Close!

I will be going through with the purchase of the house that I have been dreaming about for over a month tomorrow! I am so excited, can barely stop looking at the photo's of the house, and figuring out what I am going to do with the rooms LOL. Only slight down side is that I won't get in till Sept 30th, so that means I will be staying with my parents for a month. It will be interesting staying there again, but at least this time I know when I will be out, which makes the world of difference. And I'm sure having scheduled counseling sessions will also help me big time, a place to sort through things that will crop up.

Have I said how Excited I am yet LOL. I will soon have my own place, a place without his influence at all, a place just for me... and the boys of course ;). Even though he is gone, I can still feel his presence here, which is good and bad... just depends on what things I remember. When I remember how well he treated me, loved me, cared for me, it's good. Anything from this year, well, not so good. It will be good to make this last break.

Waiting, waiting.

If you haven't noticed already, I don't really have a lot of patience... especially when it comes to moving on with my life. I put an offer in to the house I first fell in love with a month ago, yesterday afternoon. Because the owner was out of town, we gave her till 9pm tonight to get back to us. An hour ago I got a text from my realtor saying that they got hold of her, and she would have her response in 2-3 hours.

The one thing I am holding onto is, she did not just reject the offer, and will be responding! I am willing to move on the money side of things a fair bit, but the possession by only a few weeks. My parents (especially my Dad) have said we are welcome in their house for as long as needed, but I would truly like to keep our time there to a minimum. As I'm sure you all understand, I love them, but don't really want to live with them anymore.

Other than that, things are moving along with the sale here. The inspection was this morning, and since the buyer was not present, he didn't get the report right away. So again, I am waiting to hear how it went. They only have till Monday to have all conditions removed, and I put to have my conditions on the offer cleared for Tuesday. So, if all goes well, Tuesday I will hopefully be celebrating!!!

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Decisions, decisions!

It's decision time, which house to offer for, and for how much! I'm still pretty sure I want the one I saw a month ago, although there is a close contender. The only real snag is what kind of possession the owner will take. I understand she has some medical/health issues, and wants a long possession... but what does long mean to her! She has been out of town, and won't be back till tomorrow... so I am going to be flying a little blind here.

If I cannot get that house by the end of September (a little over a month with my parents is a little too much), then I will move on to option #2. This house is a little bigger, with more rooms, and is also set up nicely. The big draw backs are that it does not have a garage (although there is space out front to put a double in), and the yard is smaller and needs work. The first choice has a very nice landscaped large yard, with a single car garage.

I will sleep on it tonight, and see how I feel in the morning. Hopefully a good sleep will give me the clarity I need for this.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Conditionally Sold!!!

The house is now Conditionally Sold!!! I am waiting to find out about the house I am interested in, but there are a few others that look good as well. I am heading out tomorrow afternoon to look and see what I am willing to buy!

I am so excited to finally be able to move on to the next stage of my life, I need to move on, and this will be a big part of that!

It's going to be a long morning!

This is just a real quick post. I am going to have an offer on the house today after lunch, don't know what it is yet, just that one is coming! I'm really hoping it's decent, either enough to say yes, or at least work with. So far, the morning is dragging by... guess I need to find something to keep me busy and occupied!

Please pray it's a good offer, I could really use a wonderful start to my week!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Just hanging around tonight

Not too much to say today. The house is pretty well under control, the kids are all in bed, and I'm just hanging out! I don't do this often, mainly because I don't like to have too much spare time... but I just couldn't come up with anything I wanted to do tonight. Not in the mood for ironing, sewing, reading, watching TV, or much of anything for that matter.

Tomorrow will be a busy day for us. Need to pop over to Walmart in the morning, which will be interesting, it's getting to be a struggle getting out the door with the kids these days. Then we will be having lunch with my SIL-R, and her husband E. I haven't seen them in a very long time, I'm thinking it was last September! R and I have been close since shortly after he and I got married. When he first told me he was leaving (before I knew about her), R said that no matter what happened, she wanted to stay friends. E said on the phone this evening, that he and R still, and always will, regard me as family. That is a truly wonderful thing, as I would feel strange not having R in my life anymore.

After lunch, I will be dropping the boys off at a friends house, so that I can attend a counseling session. I am looking forward to this session, as I am hoping that I can start to learn how to let him go... to be able to take move on from this mess. I am also hoping to talk about the boys behavior, which isn't awful, but it has changed in the last month or so. I'm just thankful that since he moved, they have settled down a bit.

Then, after that, they boys get to spend the night at Grandma's house. Which they are very much looking forward to! I shall be going to a nice Martini bar with a friend. I'm just looking for the chance to sit back, relax, and enjoy an evening out... and if I'm lucky, forget about my craptacular life for a little while. Now don't worry, I won't be drinking too much. I will be picking the boys up just before 9am on Saturday, so I need to stay relatively sober to accomplish that feat.

Then the rest of the weekend will be spent hanging around with my boys. I have a fair bit of yard work to catch up on now that the sun is back, which they enjoy helping me with. Considering our coming week is looking rather full again, it will be nice to just hang out this weekend.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


Not such a good day around here. I was woken up at 7:15am by a puke covered Little Man! Thankfully he only puked one more time after that, but did spend the day being a little more clingy than normal. I wouldn't have minded the clinginess, except I needed to finish cleaning the house up, and get laundry put away. I was able to get most of it done, but will have to spend a bit more time tomorrow finishing it off.

I am getting out Friday night! My Mom will be taking the boys for the night, and I am heading out with a friend. I'm just looking for a chance to unwind a little bit, relax, and have a good time. He gets to do whatever he wants over there, while I take care of life, our children, and this house. It really is not fair what he has done, but I will make the best of it. At least I get to spend all the time I want with my boys.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Figure I should get on here and write about my camping experience with the boys. First off I have to say a great big Thank You to everyone that helped me this weekend, you all helped to make it a wonderful weekend for me and the boys. I especially want to thank A's Hubby, he really helped me out with getting the tent set up.

We left the house later than I had wanted, the boys were not exactly helping me get ready. The island in my kitchen, actually became an island Friday morning. As I was trying to pack our clothes into a bag upstairs, the boys decided it would be a good idea to let the water run on the freezer door. Not exactly what I need to start my weekend off, but still just kept working away at getting at the door. I did get some help from my Mom, she came over during her lunch hour to give me an extra pair of hands.

As we pulled up, I was helped immediately. The boys were watched while I unloaded, and of course the wonderful help setting up the tent. The only real glitch was that first night sleeping in the tent, it was a little difficult for the boys. Monkey and Bug did fairly well, but Little Man was not impressed with the sleeping arrangements. He did not like his peapod bed, and did not like sleeping beside me either. At around 11pm when the other two had finally crashed, I took Little man out to the camp fire. Eventually he passed out, so off to bed I finally went. He did wake up during the night, but settled with me okay.

The next day was fairly good, the boys had a blast running, playing in the pools, and whatever else they could do while there. There was a lot of kids running around, as well as dogs, which my boys are obsessed about. One dog in particular became their new best friend, Angel. She was the first thing they talked about in the morning, and who they tended to gravitate too. Thankfully she was a wonderfully calm dog, who seemed to love children as much as they loved her.

The boys were upset when we had to head home, but were mollified by the promise that I will rent a tent trailer to try out this year. I plan to see what is available this summer tomorrow, hopefully I can get a decent week to take it out, at least I don't have a work schedule to work around. This I plan to do alone, hopefully it works as well as I hope it does.

I didn't take too many pictures, just wanted to enjoy the weekend more than anything. But here are a few I did get.

I think this is my favorite pic of me and the boys!

The little kids having some fun.

My Tent!

Little Man & Bug playing in the pool

Monkey & Angel
Little Man & Angel

House update

So, my realtor says the house that I want was pulled off the market??? She says she will look into why, and when they might re list it. If it got pulled because of low interest, I wonder if they would accept a conditional offer from me??? I really want that house, and I really hope I get it!!!

Now to just get this bloody awful house I am in sold and gone!

Sunday, July 12, 2009


So, I just popped onto MLS, and the house that I really wanted.... is no longer listed! I am really upset. I really, really wanted this house. I really just felt it was the place for me, but because I can't sell this freaking monster of a house that he has saddled me with, I didn't get the house I wanted.

Not sure what the next step is, guess just keep waiting to sell this $%^&*^&#$@ house... I just want it gone. I never knew I could hate a house so much, but I am certainly starting to hate this one. Will have to start the search for a new house all over again... crap!!!

We survived!

Just a quick post to say that we are home, and all in one piece too! We had a great time, makes me wish we could have stayed longer. Hopefully I will be able to get out with the boys again soon, although it will be with a tent trailer (rental). If that goes as well as I hope, then next year I will look at purchasing one.

I have already gotten 3 loads of laundry done, a few more to go... but I am just soooo tired! I'm just going to tidy up the kitchen quickly, and then head off to bed. As much fun as we had, I didn't get as much sleep as I would like, but I knew that would be an issue.

I will give more details tomorrow, as well as put some pics up.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Weight Loss

I usually just post my weight loss stuff on my other blog To Wear A Bikini, but I really wanted to brag a little right now. In the last 52 days I have lost a total of 28.4lbs!!!! That is an amazing achievement, something that I am so very proud of. I now have only 20lbs to get to my goal of 135lbs, something that I am very much looking forward to. I'm going to have to do some major shopping this coming fall LOL.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Camping we go!

Tomorrow afternoon I am taking on a task that could be rather interesting. I am taking my 3 boys camping, in a tent, for 3 nights!!! Now, you might be wondering if I have lost my marbles, and I'm sure a few have escaped lately, but I have not lost them all. I am camping with 6 other families just outside of Drumheller. I'm so not ready to try it totally on my own LOL. If it goes well, then we shall see.

I truly am looking forward to it, I enjoy camping, and they do as well.. even if they have only been once before. I would prefer to be doing this in a tent trailer, but that is going to have to till next year when I can afford one. Doing this in a tent just means that I will get to sleep earlier, as I'm sure I will have to stay inside to get them to settle down. Not that big a deal, especially since I am up so late right now getting things ready. I will have even less privacy then I do now, again not a big deal short term. We may not eat as healthy as we normally do, again not a big deal short term.

It will be an experience, one that I hope is enjoyable for all. There is also so much to do in Drumheller. There's the Royal Tyrrell Museum, all the badlands to explore, and a wonderful (and free) water park for the boys to enjoy during the very hot days there. Here's some pics from our visit up there in June.

Bug getting nice and wet

Monkey going for a run through
Little Man, and Bug splashing around

Not really sure what Little Man was trying to do!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

New Phone

Well, I finally broke down and got a new phone. My old one drove me nuts when I would have to text, which is usually with 'him', so it becomes a double annoyance. As I'm sure you can all imagine, I don't really care to communicate with him at all. I figure this might just allow me to text without getting all pissed off, which isn't really a good thing.

I am very happy with my purchase! I got the HTC Dream, which so far I am very happy with. The afternoon I got it though, I almost lost it!!! I was seeing a friend to the door, when I turned around and saw Little Man dunking it in cup of tea!!! Thankfully it just needed a night to dry out, and still works just fine. Here's my new baby.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Old habits.

I am finding that as time goes on, I am starting to fall back into some of my old habits. Not all of them, but a few. My time on the computer has increased a bit the last week or so, but not as much as before. I am still not watching TV, which is probably why my evening computer time has increased. Now that he is gone, I am going to start sewing again. For some odd reason, I just did not want to sew while he was around. I have a few projects that are almost done, just need to spend a little time finishing them. It will feel good to get them done. With those things done, I can start to work on my next project, can't wait to get that going. One day I will blog about it, but not yet.

He told Monkey yesterday that we did not like living together anymore, so he would be living somewhere else when he comes back. I was extremely angry, and hurt, that he did that without my knowledge, and consultation. I am their Mother, and should be treated as such for all major decisions. It really threw me when Monkey asked me why I didn't like living with Dada, it just seemed so out of the blue. I did want them to know, as they are much more intelligent than he gives them credit, but it was something we should have discussed prior. Then again, it doesn't surprise me, he couldn't re-arrange his day Friday to have our counseling session later in the morning than planned. It wasn't my fault the counselors were short staffed that morning, I found out that information just as I saw him pulling into the parking lot. I was pretty sure the sitter was okay with staying till after 11am, but waited to talk to him first before calling her.

Oh well, water under the bridge now so to speak.

I now have two months to work on healing myself, and making sure there are no repercussions from the boys. Bug has become a bit more of a handful lately. He is really hitting when he doesn't get his way, it can be very hard for me to deal with on my own everyday. I am going to talk with the counselors about that, and see if they have any ideas that could help me deal with that issue. Monkey does not seem all that keen on spending any time away from me. Bug wanted to join Grandma at Church today, but Monkey said he wanted to be with me instead. Took a lot of talking to make him realize that I would be there too.

I just want to make sure they know just how much they are loved and wanted. I will do anything to keep them happy, and well adjusted. Knowing that Monkey can take time to adjust to new situations, I point out his new school every time we go by. Even if he didn't need that time, I don't like the idea of just tossing them into a situation without some idea of what it is about.

I am going to take the plunge next weekend, and take the boys camping! It will be with a number of families that I know, so at least I will have some eyes to watch them while I set up. I won't need to bring everything along, just enough to get us through 3 nights. I am looking forward to it, but also dreading it at the same time. We are talking about it a lot right now, about what I will expect from them during the day, and at bedtime. Hopefully it will help things to go smoothly. If it is a success, then I hope to do it a few more times this summer.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Less than 48 hours!!!

That is all....

Less than 48 hours until they are out of the country, and I can breathe a little easier for a few months.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Getting Angry

I knew it would come, didn't know when, but knew one day the anger would show up. This week I have been angry, so very angry. I don't like being angry, it's draining and tiring. I still just don't understand (and suspect I never really will) why and how he could do this to me and our children??? I loved him so very much, and truly felt that we would spend our entire lives together... I still can't quite grasp the fact that it is over.

My only saving grace in this whole crap fest, is that I know it is NOT my fault... I did not do anything to make him do this, I am not the one who decided to forsake our marriage vows. It just makes me angry that he could do this without at least trying! We had a wonderful life, whether or not he thinks it now, we did. I truly do not believe he was so unhappy for as long as he said.... why stick around and have children with me otherwise?

Just please let this anger disappear soon, I don't need it messing with my head and health.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Things that I Love....

Here is a few things that I love, and the reason I will come through this craptacular event in my life happier and more fulfilled.

  • Hugs from Little Man at bedtime, which just started tonight. I love how he reaches for me, and then pats my back.
  • Monkey not letting me go anywhere without a big hug and kiss. He gets upset if I try to go without those two things.
  • Snuggles from Bug, that boy sure loves to snuggle... I only wish his elbows and knees could somehow not involve themselves LOL.
  • I love you competition with Monkey. Lately he has started telling me that he loves me more than the whole earth, said with such a serious little face.
  • I love that Bug will keep asking for another hug and kiss at bedtime, even after a half dozen!
  • The shouts of 'Mama, Mama, you're back!' when I come back after stepping out for a bit, along with the hugs and kisses.
  • The quiet moments when Monkey or Bug tell me things.
  • How helpful Monkey can be when he is in the mood.
  • I even love the midnight visits, it's nice to have a snuggle during the night.
  • The feeling of joy and pride I have for my incredible boys.

No matter what their father has done to me, he has at least given me the best reason to make a better life for myself.... our children. I want them to still have a happy home, a fulfilled home, a loving home.... and for that to happen, I need to be those things as well. One day it will all come together, soon I'm sure.

Monday, June 29, 2009


It's a strange feeling when your counselors keep asking you how you are able to deal with such stressful situations so well?!? I was point blank asked on Friday where I got the knowledge to know that his affair is not my fault in any way! You would think you go to counselors to help you come to that conclusion, not have them wonder how you already had the strength to get there yourself.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing... just very, very strange.

It also seems strange to have other Mom's tell me that I am an inspiration. I really don't feel that I am, I just feel like I am doing the best that I can given the crap situation that I have been dealt with. It also makes me feel like I need to find a way to help other women in this situation, but I have no idea how to go about it. Maybe one day the right opportunity will come along to show me what I can do.

Today was a better day for me, I had a wonderful counseling session this morning. This really helped me see where I am. It also showed me that I am moving in the right direction, and that by continuing on this present path I will come to a good place. A place that I can heal properly, and come out the other side healthier, and happier. Let's just hope it comes sooner rather than later.

I was chatting with a male friend from high school last night, and he helped remind me that I do have power. I was, and am (although I know many would disagree with this), a rather shy person, but he believes that I have always had power when it comes to men. I think he's right, I've never felt odd or out of place when dating or flirting. I don't feel this power when I am in a room full of women I have never met... just not as comfortable. When I am ready to date again, I want to remember what he said. I am not powerless!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

It's all too real now...

Things became a little too real for me yesterday. He had spent the last few days removing all his office stuff, as well as clothes, and some personal items. Thursday night I came to the realization that my wonderful, incredible boys, were going to have their parents in the same house at night for the last time.... how incredibly sad I am for them.

She also arrived for their little vacation yesterday, now that is something that is incredibly hard to swallow. All Winter I was looking forward to camping, hiking, and spending days outdoors with him and our boys. That is not to be now, it will now be me and the boys spending time together doing those things... and we will be doing them!!!

This is were things get strange and odd for me. He is moving to England next weekend, for at least 2 months??!!?!?! I'm still trying to totally wrap my head around this one. In some ways it is good, for me at least. I now have at least two months without having to see him, or worry about seeing him at all.

No movement on this house, but none on the one I want. So keep those prayers coming my way!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

How am I supposed to do this???

Can someone tell me how I am just supposed to 'Get over this'???? He seems to think that I should just somehow put aside my feelings.... how can I when they are still so new! He has had months to adjust his thinking in regards to me, I have had just a little over a month, that is not nearly long enough.

I just don't get it, I don't think I ever will. I don't know how to move forward with my life. I am angry that my life was changed so drastically by someone else, I am angry that I now have to deal with this... and above all, I am hurt beyond anything I ever thought possible by what has happened. How do I stop loving him, how do I stop the pain from overwhelming me at times.

How can anyone expect me to just get over this amount of pain in just a few weeks. That is something I don't think I will ever understand.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Not much longer!

So, Little Man would appear to be getting those lovely 2 year molars that all Mother's dread. The last few nights he has been awful getting to sleep at night, as well as waking multiple times throughout the night. Add this to his lovely 5:30am wake up time, and I am not necessarily the happiest Mama on the block... but at least I know it will be over soon!

This coming Friday I will have the house to myself (well, the boys will be here of course), for good! It is a strange feeling, but also freeing. This will be my time to start healing, although I suspect I won't be able to heal completely until I can get into my own house. At least it will be a chance for the process to start.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Hmmm... where did those thought go???

So, I was working out on my elliptical, and I had my thoughts all organized for a post about how I am feeling and doing right now... well, it's gone LOL. I really can't remember what it was I wanted to say now, if that isn't a sign of a traumatized brain, I don't know what is.

I am doing well, it's been a few days since I have cried. I know there are still many bad days ahead of me, but I am doing my best to enjoy the decent ones for now. I am actually feeling positive about where I am going, and how I will get there. I am closer to my goal weight right now than I have been in almost 9 years, which is an incredible feeling. Another few months and I will look as good as I did when I got married almost 13 years ago. This weight loss isn't being done for him, it is 100% for me. I never thought exercise would feel so good, and I am happy that I am taking much better care of myself than I have in a very long time. I plan to enjoy an active life with my boys.

Oh, this is part of what I wanted to write about LOL. I am coming to realize that I may not find someone else to spend my life with, and I am getting a little better at dealing with that thought. I'm sure there could be someone else out there for me, but the big obstacle for me will be 'Trust'. I have just had my trust shattered by someone I trusted implicitly, and completely. The road to recovering from that is going to be long, and hard. It will take me a long time to learn how to trust someone enough to place a part of my heart in theirs.... I'm not sure I could handle another heart break like this one again. It is somewhat scary to think that I could be alone for the rest of my life.....

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Things just moving along

I wouldn't say things are great, but they are moving along. I am finding ways to keep myself grounded, and not spiral down into depression... which concerns me greatly. I have many, many good friends who are all supporting me during this time, listening to me rant, cry, and anything else that I say. Exercise is also playing an important role for me, it feels incredibly good to workout each and every night. It is also a great feeling seeing the results from all that hard work.

I am changing my life, for the better as well. I have only watched TV twice since this all started May 18th, just not something that I am interested in. When I am more settled I may watch some shows while I iron, or get other work done, but that is still some time away. I feel that once he is out of the house I will be able to do the other things that I plan on accomplishing, but right now, I just don't want to do them while he is here. These things I want to do are for me, and me only.

I'm not sure what else will change, only time will bring those things about, but I cannot keep living my life the way I have for the last few years. I am important, I do matter, and I cannot put myself on the back burner any longer. This is my life, and I will strive to make it a good and fulfilling one.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Girl Time

I had a wonderful night out with some friends last night... Thank you L!!! It was great to laugh, joke, and just have a very good time. It was also nice to dress up a bit, and wear some make-up. This is something that I will have to make sure is much more a part of my life, which up until recently was I think a little too focused on the children, and my 'hubby'. One chapter of this new journey of my life is going to be rediscovering myself, who I am, what I want. It is a part of which I am very excited about.

I am still hoping like crazy that I can get the house in Cochrane that I want, it just felt like a place I could heal in. We still have interest in this house, I can only pray that someone will put an offer in that is acceptable. So, I am sending this request out to the Universe, to please grant me this healing place, a home for me and my children.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Balancing again.

I just want to say a great big Thank You to everyone for their well wishes, and thoughts.. without this I'm not sure how easy I would find this. This morning was bad, I'm not going to lie. If I could have, I would have crawled into bed, pulled the covers up, and denied reality in. Of course I can't do this with the boys, but I really wish I could have done it.

As the day wore on, I slowly felt my strength and balance return. In large part to so many different wonderful women that I know, reminding me how strong I am.
Here is to a better day tomorrow.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Work in progress

Just like my life right now, this blog is a work in progress. I'm sure it will take me a few days to sort it all out, so please bare with me until then.

Thank you!!!!

Friday, May 22, 2009

It's over

The dream is over... there is nothing left...

Will be taking a very, very long break from this.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

A semi lazy day.

The day hasn't been a total wash, just a little bit LOL. I did vacuum the lower level this morning, and this afternoon I took a bag full of toys, and 2 boxes of misc items down to a local charity shop. I still have more that I would like to take there, but it feels good to get some things out of the house. I also got my shopping done, sans kids... it's amazing how shopping can be relaxing without the kidlets trying to help LOL. Since then... well... not much else has been done LOL. I will get around to folding laundry while I watch my shows, and if that doesn't take long I will start to pack up my bells. I don't really want to pack my bells away, but I need to de-clutter the shelves in the living room... so packed up they shall be!

In some ways I feel like I am avoiding today, it makes it easier to forget that we will lose so much if we sell this house. A few short years ago, even the thought of losing this much money would have sent me into panic attacks... mind you a few short years ago, we were heavily in debt, and struggling to keep our heads above water. Now that we are stable, and only the mortgage for debt, it is slightly easier to swallow. That doesn't mean I have to like it though!

Tomorrow I will not be able to avoid, to many things to get organized before the weekend. Things to plan, things to order, things to organize. I can't wait until life slows down a little, so that I can enjoy it more.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Makes me a little sick....

Can I just say that the amount of money we will lose in selling this house is making me a little sick. We have now talked to 3 different real estate agents, and they are all saying this same thing... list the house for $65,000 less that what we paid for it!!!! Yes, we still have equity in the house, so at least we will still have something... but I HATE the idea that we will have lost this much.

I am still working on de-personalizing the house, as I think we will still sell. I just have to remember that the savings we will have in downsizing, still make more sense than keeping this place.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Ahh... Mother's Day.

Well, Mother's day has rolled around again. It was a nice day, but with Hubby gone, it's also not quite the same?!? I was out with some friends last night, so my Mom was here watching the boys. She brought some supplies with her, which I was not allowed to see. She and Monkey set up a little breakfast tray for me, with Fruit O's, Almond Milk, Fruit Cup, and strangely a Digestive Cookie! Monkey brought it to the table for me, he was being really very sweet.

The nicest thing was the cuddle time I had with Monkey, and Bug this morning. Monkey showed up in my room sometime very early (I'm thinking it was around 3am?) in the morning, wanting to come and snuggle for a bit. I don't mind having him snuggle with me, as he doesn't poke me as much as Bug does. Just after 6am, Bug showed up wanting to snuggle, so he cuddled up on my other side. The icing on this particular cake was Little Man sleeping until just after 7am! The last week he has been getting up between 5:15 and 5:30am!! Not exactly a good time for me.

The only really blip was late this morning. They were all playing in the yard, having a great time. That is until Bug found the water tap, and turned it on!!!! It is on the side of the house, where there is an incline, an area that the grass doesn't grow very well either. Now I'm not sure if any will grow at all, as it is a mini mudslide! Grrr.... I then got the joy of washing the mud and grass off their shoes. I was able to get them mostly dry in the dryer, so they should be ready to go for tomorrow. Considering that I have 3 boys, I'm amazed that this is the first time I have had to deal with them that dirty!!!!

Now it's time for me to sit back and relax... not going to be much time for that this next week.