Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Tough Questions

First off, I am doing so much better than I was.  But, and yes that is a big but, I know I have a lot of stuff to work through.  I need to work much harder on balance in my life, as well as putting my needs further up the list.

I made it into counselling finally today, and it felt great to talk, and yes cry.  I was actually given homework, not sure I've had homework from counselling before.  One would think the particular question I was asked to answer would be easy, but I'm rather astounded at just how hard I'm finding it is!

What do I want?

Not what don't I want, and believe me, I have many answers for that one.

What do I want?

I honestly don't have a real answer.  Since I don't have an answer to that question, I can't answer the second one.

What can I do to achieve this?

Difficult questions that are going to require some serious thought.  I have put the needs of my children above my own (for the most part, it's not all them), that I'm starting to lose myself again.

I need balance.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Elusive sleep

In a bid to get better rest last night, I took 3 melatonin at 10 pm last night.  As sleepy as I got, sleep was elusive.  I laid there for hours, in and out of sleep.  No real thoughts going through my head, just random images.

The big question that is being asked, not just by others that I'm shutting out, but by myself.


I really wish I knew.  I really wish I had the answers.



Maybe I don't want to know the answer this time.  Maybe I'm tired of always making things work.  Maybe I'm tired of being strong.

I just don't know...

Sunday, March 20, 2011


I feel the need to isolate myself from the world, to hide away.

Too much pain and suffering.

I truly wonder just how much more I can take.  I've had love ripped away, destroyed.  I've managed to get back up and continue on with my life, but I wonder if I'll be able to do it again.  Is making a connection with one person worth the risk of my sanity?  My boys don't need someone else in their lives.  They still have their father, and they will always have me.

I'm scared.

Scared of following my heart, and having it broken yet again.  Scared that if I don't follow it, I will miss out on a love that will make all the past broken hearts worth it.  If such a thing truly exists.

I know life isn't easy, and that pain can be worked through.  But I'm tired, just so very tired.  My boys drain me each and every day, leaving so little of me left.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Off Balance

I'm not sure what is going on, and I'm not sure why it's gotten so bad.  I'm out of balance, I'm teetering on the edge.  What little control I had over my life seems to have disappeared.

Emotionally I am drained, desolate.

Overwhelmingly tired and exhausted.  Not just physically either.

I need to refocus on my boys.  I need to find some solid ground to stand on.

I'm just not sure where to turn, what to look for.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

New family member

I've taken the plunge, and found a dog for our family!  We got him at our local animal shelter, which is where we got our cat Catch back in 2009.  He is a 6 month old Rough Collie/Bullmastiff cross.  He is certainly not a small boy, but not too large... yet!    His first night wasn't too bad, he took a little while to settle in his crate, but finally did sleep.  He has only had one accident in the house, and I am being careful to get him out to his 'spot' on a regular basis.  He already knows some commands, and I will work with him daily to keep them up.  We attend obedience training next month.  The only real issue so far has been the cats, they are truly not impressed.  It will take some time to introduce them to each other, right now I am keeping them separate. Hopefully in a few weeks they can all roam the house at the same time.

The boys of course are thrilled!  They've been wanting a dog for many years, and I was only waiting until we were nicely settled here, as well as the right dog to come along.  I would say that so far Onyx is fitting in beautifully.