tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57760002501115380572024-03-18T22:26:13.820-06:00Finding AngeThe last few years I have fought hard for my kids, which will never stop. But to help C and H through school issues, and to support P through cancer, I have somehow left myself behind. I have let my self go... and I need to find her again if I'm to keep fighting for my boys!Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger259125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-68890636106163519572016-05-17T08:35:00.001-06:002016-05-17T08:35:40.484-06:00OverwhelmedVery simply stated, I'm overwhelmed.<br />
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My emotional state is tenuous at best, but put it under added stress, and I start shutting down. I feel almost invisible, sort of wish I was actually. I know I'll get through this, as I have many many times before, just so very tiring.<br />
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I took Little Man to counselling yesterday, to get him help with his overwhelming anger. He did well, he connected with her. I didn't do so well. Sitting in that office, not one I'd ever been too before, took me back to the days of Bugs cancer treatment. I felt panic, fear, desolation. It's been some time since I'd had such a strong flashback, such a flood of painful emotions. Makes me wonder if I will ever truly be able to move on emotionally.<br />
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Tonight I'll get my fingers dirty working in my yard, giving myself a chance to reconnect with the earth. I could truly use her healing right now.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-58371049089981506302016-02-20T11:42:00.000-07:002016-02-20T11:42:08.222-07:00My own River of LetheMisplaced...<div>
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Forgetfulness...</div>
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Scattered...<br /><div>
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That is just a few words I would use to describe my memories. So much of my childhood is missing, my school years spotty. Listening to friends describe antics we got up to as kids, is like to listening to someone else's life. It's as if at points in my life I have waded through the River Lethe. Washed clean my memories.</div>
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Trying to root through my memories is something I dislike, not because of what they contain, but because I have access to so few. The few that are ingrained are ones that I truly wish I could let fade in to the background.</div>
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A few things you would think I would remember</div>
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My wedding... huge freaking blanks throughout that day! Especially of the ceremony.</div>
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High School... I know I went, I have a couple of moments I remember. The most distinct being teacher conferences in Grade 10. I had finally pulled a grade up to the high 70's (had been failing) in Accounting, my Step-fathers comment to my teacher was not to get too excited, I'd start failing again soon enough. Being ground down are among the strongest memories I have. I do remember my teacher trying to talk to me the next day, asking if I needed help. Why didn't I beg him for help, instead of telling him I was ok?!?!</div>
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One set of memories I'm glad to have fading, are the ones of my ex husband. Then again, our marriage was so lackluster there isn't much that would stand out.</div>
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Then we get to the sharp and clear memories.</div>
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The birth of my three amazing boys, each experience so unique.</div>
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Then the few days surrounding my middle son's cancer diagnosis. I can tell you the time that each major moment happened, I can remember what the room looked like. I most especially can remember the abject fear and terror that I felt running through my veins like wildfire. No one (other than another cancer mom) truly understands how that changes everything about your life! I may not be living in those moments, but they have shaped who I am now. I look back on moments from before, and it's like looking into someone else's life. Do I wish I was as carefree and easy going as before? YES. Three years is not nearly long enough to forget those months and months of wondering if my child would truly survive. If I would be granted the chance to watch him grow up. Treatment may be done, but cancer is still a large part of our lives. The constant leg pain he gets, caused by one of the chemo's in his cocktail. The unknown heart problem that is limiting his activity, likely caused from a different chemo. When does it end? Just because remission is achieved, does not mean your life is clear of cancer.</div>
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How I wish the River Lethe was before me now, to help numb the memories that pervade my life so completely.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-34993903625866344042015-10-13T23:09:00.000-06:002015-10-14T08:24:50.687-06:00Germs have attacked!The boys have done the unthinkable...<br />
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They let germs invade our house!!!<br />
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Of course they didn't get sick, just me... sigh.<br />
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The start of school is always an interesting time, questions abound, frustrated mothers pull their hair out. My question was, just when would the first cold hit?<br />
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October 6th was the unlucky day. Woke up with no voice, which is a special torture for a Mom that must wake 3 boys up for school... 3 boys that would rather keep sleeping... 3 boys that try to hide under blankets... 3 boys that must be told to eat breakfast... 3 boys that must be sent off to school on time! Yes, that torture was especially special.<br />
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7 days later and I am finally on the mend, voice still rough, but at least energy has finally returned. <br />
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With that energy, a new mindset is found.<br />
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I am tired of being fat, tired of an aching body, tired of being tired. So what is a gal to do in this situation? <b>MOVE</b>!!!<br />
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I used my elliptical for 29 gruelling minutes... a wee bit pathetic considering 3 years ago I could run 7 km. But I need to start somewhere!<br />
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I want to <b>RUN</b>. I miss <b>RUNNING</b>. I miss the feeling of <b>JOY</b> when I push my body a bit further every day. Every step cleansing my thoughts.<br />
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So here I am, putting it out to the universe...<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">I WILL RUN</span></b>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-54585971769466582652015-09-26T12:13:00.001-06:002015-09-26T12:13:20.035-06:00Depression...It's time to talk about depression, anxiety and PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).<br />
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I have suffered with depression and anxiety for over 4 years, and PTSD for 2 years.<br />
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When the depression first started to really affect my life, it was rather horrendous. I can still vividly remember sitting in my bathroom crying for hours as my boys ran and played in the house. The thoughts running through my head that day were, for lack of a better word, depressing. I wondered if the boys wouldn't be better off without me, but at the same time (thankfully), I knew I could never do that to them. They are my reason for getting up every single day.<br />
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Even though I survived that day, I started cutting myself off from everyone. Slowly, but surely. It was a few weeks later that I knew I couldn't dig myself out of the hole without help. I was driving into the city, without my boys, when I almost had to pull over because of a severe anxiety attack. My chest was so tight I couldn't take more than a shallow breath. It felt like my world was closing in on me. The urge to turn around and go hide in my house was persuasive. I did keep going, but felt anxious for the rest of the trip till I finally made it home.<br />
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The next day I was in talking to my Dr. She started me on anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds that day. My Dr felt the combo drug was best as we didn't know whether I was anxious due to depression, or depressed because of anxiety. Sort of like which came first, the chicken or the egg?!?<br />
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Some weeks later I started to feel more balanced, but it has never been quite the same.<br />
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Now for PTSD. I have never been formerly diagnosed, but my symptoms are pretty much spot on for someone with it. This unsurprisingly is from when P was going through chemotherapy for cancer. Those 7 months have completely redefined who I am. During his treatment I was fairly stable, the only choice I had was to be strong for him. I was his only caregiver during treatment. Once treatment was over and he was back to being his normal little self, I had the time to fall apart... which I did spectacularly.<br />
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I would get the boys off to school in the morning, but then straight back to bed I would go. I slept, cried, was numb, and just inaccessible. That year I wasn't as there for my boys as I usually was, I had my own healing to do. At inopportune times I would find myself flung back to those long days in the hospital, reliving the times I held my 7 year old son as he was in so much pain from the chemo. Even typing this I am close to tears, and my chest and throat is tight from anxiety. No mother should have to watch their child be on a morphine drip due to pain. Sadly it was better to have him passed out from the drugs, then to hold him while he screamed in excruciating pain.<br />
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P is now 2 years out from treatment, and I am finally starting to feel my footing become solid again. I am much more reclusive now, preferring to be home with my family, or someplace more remote. Crowds drain me, and put a strain on my still tentative hold on sanity. Many people don't fully understand just how much I have changed in the last 2.5 years, and how permanent it may be. I miss being as carefree as I was before cancer was a part of my life, but I don't know how to be that person anymore. Cancer is like a nightmare you can't wake up from.<br />
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All this is what I struggle with everyday, what makes getting up and changing my life so incredibly hard. Change is hard and more frightening than it has ever been before. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-81411025555998774172015-09-22T08:18:00.001-06:002015-09-22T08:18:46.873-06:00Herding CatsYes, you read that right! Every morning it feels like I am herding cats... lots and lots of cats!<br />
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This is the second year that the boys are all in school full time, you would think they better understand what happens each and every morning.<br />
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Apparently NOT!<br />
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I spend my time between 6:45am and 8:00am pushing them to get up, get dressed, eat, pack lunch, clean up. I ask them to stay quiet as Sir is still sleeping.<br />
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This is not something my boys seem to be able to do.<br />
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The worst this year is H. Getting him out of bed takes 3 to 4 attempts, with me actually dragging him off the bed. Of course the second I leave the room to deal with someone else, he curls back under his blanket. It's frustrating, time consuming, and frustrating!<br />
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It's no wonder I'm already stressed when I get to work!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-85022839197055110932015-09-21T14:52:00.000-06:002015-09-21T14:52:24.077-06:00Harder than I remember...Getting back into a healthier lifestyle is so much harder than I remember. The worst is waking up in the morning... as it is I barely have time to get the boys up in time for breakfast before school starts. Not sure quite how to fix that though.<br />
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I have been getting my house in better working order though, one area at a time. When you leave things for too long, it's amazing how much crap can build up when you aren't looking. The worst seems to be the dining room and boys room downstairs. Not sure how P and H have accumulated so much stuff in their room! At least they are willing to let me just sweep and garbage.<br />
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Boys are home, time to give them a hand with things.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-77293694772002191642015-09-15T08:41:00.002-06:002015-09-15T08:41:35.960-06:00Time to StartWriting hasn't been easy the last few years, the words just don't want to flow. Then again, a lot of what I want to say isn't easy. This is the hardest...<br />
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My Bug had stage 4 Burkitts Lymphoma.<br />
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He's 2 years out from treatment now, and doing exceptionally well. Certainly doesn't mean I don't worry about so many different things with him though.<br />
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Now that he's healthy and well, I need to focus on Monkey and Little Man. They are both struggling in school. Both have problems with focus, emotions, completing tasks. It's not easy helping them when I am working full time running a business.<br />
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That's another change, started working last fall... after over 10 years home with my boys! It's not easy! I'm trying to find a way to balance time for myself, and the small time I have with the boys every night. <br />
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Time for me...<br />
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I have let myself go so badly the last few years, physically and emotionally. The emotional was the after effect of Bug's cancer, which in turn brought about my physical decline. I have never been this heavy in my life, and it's draining. I'm tired all the time, my body aches, and my clothes most certainly do not fit well.<br />
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Where to start?! The obvious is just getting up and moving, which sounds easier than it is. I am not a morning person, and yet that is the likely the best time for me to workout. I have to somehow train myself to get OUT OF BED when my alarm goes off at 5:30 am, and not press snooze repeatedly. Doesn't help that the pups are snuggled in keeping me warm.<br />
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Here's my commitment. Get out of bed tomorrow at 5:30 no matter what!<br />
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I'll keep you updated.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-12324686555318966972013-10-08T09:11:00.001-06:002013-10-08T09:11:20.196-06:00TimeWhat to say about this last year...<br />
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Terrifying<br />
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Heartbreaking<br />
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Hopeful<br />
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Nightmare<br />
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Wondrous<br />
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And so much more.<br />
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My Bug, my sweet crazy Bug, is a fighter. Cancer fighter. At only 7 years old he fought cancer. <br />
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In 6 months my life has been turned upside down. <br />
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Now it's time to find our new normal, and let Bug be a little boy again.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-48022229532321234692012-10-29T23:23:00.001-06:002012-10-29T23:23:32.632-06:00Step OneThese last few months have been hard, emotionally draining. What balancing I was able to do is gone, my days are spent just making it through. I need to get things out, need to express how I'm feeling, and I need support in getting things back on track.<br />
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Small steps for now, baby ones.<br />
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I'll be back with them tomorrow... this was step one.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-35717233677236861762012-06-20T14:20:00.004-06:002012-06-20T14:20:38.987-06:00Trying to breathBreathing is supposed to be easy, something our body does naturally...<div>
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But lately I can't seem to catch my breath, it catches in my throat...</div>
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Emotionally I'm a wreck, I can't seem to find solid footing from day to day. I can feel myself pushing people away, especially those that I should be holding closer.</div>
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My boys are the only reason I struggle to keep breathing, and yet I worry if that will always be the case.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-19055036596762106772011-09-23T01:17:00.000-06:002011-09-23T01:17:06.898-06:00Change is never endingSo, more changes on the horizon for me, mostly good thankfully. <br />
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It's been a rough start to the school year, things haven't exactly gone according to plan! Just a mere week into things, and I go and hurt my right foot. I'm now stuck in an air boot until the my tendons and muscles sort themselves back out. Which means no running, no walking Onyx (poor guy), very little house cleaning... and in general just makes doing anything annoying!<br />
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I've got many projects lined up for this winter, but hopefully not too many that I get overwhelmed. I will be sewing again, something I have missed, maybe even try to make a few bucks from it. I will be taking some accounting courses, as it now looks like that is where things are headed. I have a few basic bookkeeping jobs lined up already, but want to brush up on things, and finally finish my Accounting Certificate. I've got two years before Little Man is in school full time, if I use this time wisely, I'll be more than ready to join the workforce again.<br />
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Of course, the one big thing I had wanted to be doing already, was running! I'm not sure at this point when I will be able to hit the track again, which is not helping my mood. I really should at least get some weight and core work done until my foot heals... guess that can be my goal for this next week!<br />
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New things...<br />
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Got my labret piercing finally :) It's off on the right side of my face, totally love it. <br />
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Getting a new tattoo Sunday. I've been itching for this one since July, pretty excited to see how it turns out. I'll of course post pics when it's done :)<br />
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I'm looking forward to moving my life forward, not letting things pass me by. I spent so many years watching others live their lives, it's so much more fun living my own!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-53541118121995122522011-09-03T21:58:00.000-06:002011-09-03T21:58:38.481-06:00It's my timeIn just 4 days I will have every weekday morning (from 8:40 to 11:00) free from my boys! It's more time then I have had to myself since Monkey was born in '04. Figuring out what to do with this time is a little harder...<br />
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There is always the house to clean.<br />
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Taking Onyx out for walks and runs.<br />
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Exercise, so many options there.<br />
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Grocery shopping.<br />
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Listening to the silence.<br />
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Reading a book.<br />
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Watching my Gecko's.<br />
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Enjoying a bath.<br />
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Sewing.<br />
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Work on the house.<br />
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With so many different options, it's hard to figure out what I should do. Although in the course of a year, I could quite easily do all of them I suppose. <br />
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The biggest thing I'm stuck on, is what will happen in 2 years when all three boys will be in full day school?! Which then makes me think I should use my time now to be prepared for working then...<br />
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There are many options available to me, ones that would allow me to stay home as well. If I were to start them now, I could slowly grow it over the next few years to be ready for my free days. The question is, what shall it be?!?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-90839421526509560992011-09-02T12:11:00.000-06:002011-09-02T12:11:38.508-06:00I've fallen in love!Yes, that's right, I have fallen in love! It all started Tuesday night, and was totally unexpected. Not what I was expecting at all! Had not planned this, not looked for it.<br />
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Of course you are now probably wondering who I've fallen in love with...<br />
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This is my new crested gecko! Actually he's one of 4 new gecko's for our home. I won't be bringing him home till next Wednesday, but did bring 3 baby ones home (1 male, 2 females). I can't tell you how much I am enjoying them, they are the sweetest things. I can easily see this turning into an obsession, one that I will enjoy immensely!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-85460006542365038402011-08-22T21:07:00.000-06:002011-08-22T21:07:47.353-06:00It always happens lolSo, did I not just write that I very rarely see the ex's thing while out and about in town?!? Should have kept my mouth shut lol. I managed to sneak off to Safeway while the boys visited with my Mom, needed to get some groceries for our last camping trip tomorrow. <br />
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There I was, perfectly relaxed (I LOVE shopping with no kids lol) scanning my purchases in the self-checkout, when I caught a look of the person behind me at the next station... HER!!! What gets me is the look she gave me, I'm not responsible for any 'problems' that she may have in this town. I have been a part of this town for over 25 years, and if asked what happened to my marriage I tell the truth! Maybe I'm abnormal, but I don't think there is any reason to cover up what he did, it's not that me that was unfaithful, not me who destroyed a family. Guess she doesn't like that my (and his) friends 'know' what happened, she certainly didn't have to move to the small town that I'm in lol.<br />
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Ok, so yes I told the gal working the self check out who she was lol, but she's seen me in there shopping every week for years and years, with and without the kids! She was also there the day in November 2009 that the ex cornered me in the store and threatened to never see his children or pay for them if I didn't let his thing spend time with the boys. He also tried to refuse to give Little Man back to me, wouldn't hand him over even though he wanted me. I totally broke down that day, I couldn't believe that he would put her feelings above the well being of his own children. The lady working today was the one who called my Mom to come and get me that awful day.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-24636977063835102602011-08-22T17:06:00.000-06:002011-08-22T17:06:08.466-06:00Making my wayIt's been some time since I've posted, so much going on, and out of the habit of blogging doesn't help. This summer has been very busy with the boys, just a bit over 4 weeks of camping has been completed, with another 5 days to go! We've managed to put over 8000 kms on the Beast (2011 Toyota Sequoia) that I got in late June, it's been all the way from Vancouver Island to Winnipeg Manitoba! The boys have had a blast chasing crabs, fish and frogs, as well as a varied list of insects lol. It's been extremely hectic, but also so very rewarding.<br />
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Life is moving along, I'm making my way back to my balance. School will start up in September for the boys, and I will then have every morning free! Not quite sure what I will do with all this time, but I'm sure I'll find a way to fill it up lol. <br />
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I'm almost divorced too! Can hardly wait :D Should all be done before the end of the year. The ex and I are fairly decent terms, been getting along for the most part, it's helped that he's stopped treating me like a second class citizen. Part of me is still waiting for him to start acting like a jerk again, but I'm hopeful we can keep things civil from now on. Still don't see is thing around at all, think I've seen her a total of a dozen times in almost 2 years... which rather surprises me, our town only has 13000 in it, you'd think we'd run into each other once in a while. She must go out of her way to avoid me... guess she's afraid of the big bad ex-wife LMAO.<br />
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I'm getting ready for a new tattoo, just waiting for the design to be done. So excited to get more ink done, been craving it for some time. Also want another piercing, just need to find some kid free time to sneak that in.<br />
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Things with P, are well, going?!? He's still 3 hours away, and I'm not sure if I see that changing... I really want it to change, and I think he does too, but he's either to scared to take this next step, or just taking his damn sweet time! I'm going to start pushing him a bit harder, I don't want to spend my life waiting around. Life is too short to not take chances on love!rUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-64806778882519924152011-05-17T00:03:00.000-06:002011-05-17T00:03:22.848-06:00CoastingSo much has been going on these last few months, so many changes to adjust too. I've had a lot of personal struggle, but with counseling and medication, I'm making my way back to the surface. I can feel myself slowly getting back into balance, but it's not easy. I've slacked off in so many areas of my life the last while, that I'm having to work that much harder to get things going again. <br />
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I've just been waiting for things to happen, waiting for the 'moment' when I feel right. It doesn't work like that. Yes, I needed some time to slow down and heal my soul a bit, but it's time to forge ahead again. It's time to find my path. <br />
<br />
As always, I'm not really certain which path I'll be on. There are a number of outside influences that will dictate which direction is the right one. But waiting around for those 'possibilities' isn't going to help me. Just need to work with the knowledge that I have now.<br />
<br />
I'm thankful that I can still look forward to my future, that my past isn't completely taking over.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-63151976584892074792011-05-12T01:38:00.000-06:002011-05-13T14:42:44.394-06:00AloneAlone is safer, alone is sanity. <br />
<br />
My heart can't take any more, too many cracks. <br />
<br />
Can't see how love is worth the pain.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-35985620540958328082011-03-29T17:04:00.001-06:002011-03-29T17:05:15.425-06:00Tough QuestionsFirst off, I am doing so much better than I was. But, and yes that is a big but, I know I have a lot of stuff to work through. I need to work much harder on balance in my life, as well as putting my needs further up the list.<br />
<br />
I made it into counselling finally today, and it felt great to talk, and yes cry. I was actually given homework, not sure I've had homework from counselling before. One would think the particular question I was asked to answer would be easy, but I'm rather astounded at just how hard I'm finding it is!<br />
<br />
What do I want?<br />
<br />
Not what don't I want, and believe me, I have many answers for that one.<br />
<br />
What do I want?<br />
<br />
I honestly don't have a real answer. Since I don't have an answer to that question, I can't answer the second one.<br />
<br />
What can I do to achieve this?<br />
<br />
Difficult questions that are going to require some serious thought. I have put the needs of my children above my own (for the most part, it's not all them), that I'm starting to lose myself again. <br />
<br />
I need balance.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-86086085430819733682011-03-21T08:06:00.003-06:002011-03-21T08:07:59.367-06:00Elusive sleepIn a bid to get better rest last night, I took 3 melatonin at 10 pm last night. As sleepy as I got, sleep was elusive. I laid there for hours, in and out of sleep. No real thoughts going through my head, just random images.<br />
<br />
The big question that is being asked, not just by others that I'm shutting out, but by myself.<br />
<br />
WHAT IS WRONG?<br />
<br />
I really wish I knew. I really wish I had the answers.<br />
<br />
But<br />
<br />
I DON'T!<br />
<br />
Maybe I don't want to know the answer this time. Maybe I'm tired of always making things work. Maybe I'm tired of being strong.<br />
<br />
I just don't know...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-68666042664965875812011-03-20T10:04:00.000-06:002011-03-20T10:04:24.080-06:00NeedI feel the need to isolate myself from the world, to hide away. <br />
<br />
Too much pain and suffering.<br />
<br />
I truly wonder just how much more I can take. I've had love ripped away, destroyed. I've managed to get back up and continue on with my life, but I wonder if I'll be able to do it again. Is making a connection with one person worth the risk of my sanity? My boys don't need someone else in their lives. They still have their father, and they will always have me. <br />
<br />
I'm scared.<br />
<br />
Scared of following my heart, and having it broken yet again. Scared that if I don't follow it, I will miss out on a love that will make all the past broken hearts worth it. If such a thing truly exists.<br />
<br />
I know life isn't easy, and that pain can be worked through. But I'm tired, just so very tired. My boys drain me each and every day, leaving so little of me left.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-73534313934387832992011-03-19T19:30:00.000-06:002011-03-19T19:30:41.035-06:00Off BalanceI'm not sure what is going on, and I'm not sure why it's gotten so bad. I'm out of balance, I'm teetering on the edge. What little control I had over my life seems to have disappeared.<br />
<br />
Emotionally I am drained, desolate.<br />
<br />
Overwhelmingly tired and exhausted. Not just physically either.<br />
<br />
I need to refocus on my boys. I need to find some solid ground to stand on.<br />
<br />
I'm just not sure where to turn, what to look for.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-47222822861914333342011-03-05T13:09:00.001-07:002011-03-05T19:16:20.256-07:00New family memberI've taken the plunge, and found a dog for our family! We got him at our local animal shelter, which is where we got our cat Catch back in 2009. He is a 6 month old Rough Collie/Bullmastiff cross. He is certainly not a small boy, but not too large... yet! His first night wasn't too bad, he took a little while to settle in his crate, but finally did sleep. He has only had one accident in the house, and I am being careful to get him out to his 'spot' on a regular basis. He already knows some commands, and I will work with him daily to keep them up. We attend obedience training next month. The only real issue so far has been the cats, they are truly not impressed. It will take some time to introduce them to each other, right now I am keeping them separate. Hopefully in a few weeks they can all roam the house at the same time.<br />
<br />
The boys of course are thrilled! They've been wanting a dog for many years, and I was only waiting until we were nicely settled here, as well as the right dog to come along. I would say that so far Onyx is fitting in beautifully.<br />
<br />
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<br />
Wonder if I ramble here, will that help my thoughts settle down???<br />
<br />
Let's try!<br />
<br />
My drug trial is going well. I've noticed some improvements, but I think I need to adjust the dosage. I'm finding that it is wearing off quicker, and also not working quite as well. It's still doing it's job, just not as well as it was or could do I think. I've also figured out that taking a whole weekend off from taking the meds is not so great! It was fine during the weekend, but trying to get back on track Monday morning was extremely difficult. I found it very hard to concentrate on things, like too much was going on for me to process. This could be a long road for me, but it is making me hopeful.<br />
<br />
Monkey is going to start a drug trial next month. I'm of course really freaked out by this, but at the same time I'm optimistic. His behavior at school is so much better, but of course his inattention is still a major problem. I would rather get him on track now, than wait until he falls further behind at school. The best part of this, is that I did NOT have to fight my ex to get Monkey into the trial. From everything he had said over the last few months, he was very much against medicating Monkey. I wouldn't say I was for it, but I was open to it if it looked like he would need the help. I am thankful that I can at least see if this is what he needs... it's already helping me.<br />
<br />
The boys have adjusted to the new sleeping arrangements wonderfully! In the week and a half since switching them around, I've only had Little Man in my bed twice. Yup, you read that right, twice!!! For the last year, I have had him in my bed almost every single night. For a number of months, he would only go to sleep in my bed, not even sure why he had his own room?!?! I worked hard on at least getting to fall asleep in his bed a few months back, which he did with no issue, but he still always came to my room by 1 am every single night. Now, don't get me wrong, I love to snuggle my boys, but there were times I wanted my own space! It's rather nice to wake up alone, stretch, and then get ready without having to worry about waking up a kid until it's time.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure what I should, if I should, say anything about my ex. Some good has been happening, and some just plain odd. There's nothing that would affect the boys, and I'm not even sure it really affects me. He did apologize (in his own way) to me a few weeks back. Things were escalating with us again, so I stopped him and asked if he really wanted to be doing this for the next 20 years?! I told him that we are in this situation because of mistakes we had both made, that we needed to stop dragging up the past, and move forward. He looked me straight in the eyes and said 'You did nothing wrong in our marriage, you bare no blame for any of this'. To say I was floored would be understating it. I never expected him to say that, especially considering he's usually all about blaming me. This doesn't really change things for me, other than it was somewhat nice to hear him acknowledge his blame. It doesn't change that I'm so much happier, it doesn't negate the pain that I suffered, it doesn't change much of anything. It's just a little too late as far as I'm concerned. I still don't know if I'll ever forgive him, I can still recall the pain I went through. I can still too easily recall my boys pain as they realized that their happy little world was crumbling around them.<br />
<br />
I do think I need to let go a bit more, need to stop dwelling on things that are in the past. It's not easy though, especially when you have 3 little beings around every day reminding you that you had a different life for a time. I need to find a way to get past this, because I don't think I've buried all the hurt and pain as much as I would like. I need to flush my mind of all the crap he stuck there, all the negative energy he left behind.<br />
<br />
I want my present life to be without any bitterness, without all these negative feelings. I need to cleanse my mind.<br />
<br />
I have a lot of hope for my future, and many dreams to keep me looking forward. I also have many ideas on how to attain those dreams, and may have finally been given the tools to reach for them!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-20364306077732179102011-02-05T19:12:00.000-07:002011-02-05T19:12:21.531-07:00It never failsIt's amazing that right when you think things are going really well, that something can come along and just ruin that feeling?!?! Yesterday was going really well, managed to get a lot done. I moved the boys sleeping situation around a bit. Monkey needs a bit of space, especially if he's going to have any hope of concentrating. Little Man has been begging for a bigger bed the last few months, he was in a toddler bed. So, I decided to move Monkey upstairs into the murphy bed, and Little Man down to Monkey's old bed. This worked well as I did not need to purchase a new bed, and in fact get to sell one now.<br />
<br />
Obviously the rest of the house has been suffering with the work I've been doing, but I felt that some progress was being made. I got the boys into their beds, and turned the lights out by 8:00 pm. I was impressed that I only had to go and speak to Bug & Little man once before it was just silence in the house. I did a little more work at this time, then finally made myself some dinner. I decided to take it downstairs to enjoy while catching up on some shows. There was a slight problem with this plan. I got settled on the couch, and turned the TV on. I could hear things, but I couldn't see anything?!?! At first I thought maybe the boys had changed a setting, so tried to get into the menu. Nothing. This is when I got up to inspect the TV. There were two huge cracks on the upper right portion of the screen. To say I was angry would be an understatement. I was actually glad that they boys were in bed, as it allowed me time to get myself under control.<br />
<br />
A little background. In April of 2010, I had to replace our TV because Little Man whacked it with a plastic toy hammer. So, the now broken TV downstairs has only been in this house for 10 months. <br />
<br />
When the boys woke up in the morning, we had a family meeting. I was informed by Little Man that he threw a toy, and it hit the TV. So then I informed them of a few things. Firstly, I am NOT buying a new TV at this time. If I do buy a new TV, it will be for my room, for me only. Also, the money to purchase that TV will come from the savings fund for their iPads. As you can imagine, they weren't too happy with this.<br />
<br />
I don't know what to do with Little Man these days. I put him in time outs, his room, and take his toys away when he throws them, but it isn't working! I never had this much trouble with the other two, then again, I wasn't doing this on my own when they were this age. I can't really put the blame there, as I was still the main person to hand out punishments, as well as there a lot more than their father. I'm just at a loss as to how to handle Little Man.<br />
<br />
Right now I am concentrating on getting my house completely in hand, get all the things out that we don't need (either sell or donate). Move the boys craft stuff downstairs to the new craft area, and get my area organized and ready to go. I'm still positive about how things are going, and know that I am on the right path, it's just these little things that keep coming along and setting me back a bit.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5776000250111538057.post-22900540788537129532011-02-03T23:47:00.000-07:002011-02-03T23:47:45.439-07:00ProcessingThis has been the best/strangest/oddest day I have had in some time. So much has happened, and so much more can come from it. A lot I can't speak about yet, one day though, I hope. What I will talk about was how I felt. I was so hesitant to try Dexedrine, to try any ADHD medications for that matter, and I'm still not sure exactly what to think. It wasn't bad, but it was certainly different. I will try to explain, but I warn you this could end up making no sense!<br />
<br />
I felt like the space in my head GREW! All those little (and some big) thoughts that would slip from my mind before I could deal with them, were there. All the tasks that I needed to accomplish at any given time, again they were there. I actually managed to get down to deal with laundry this morning, and deal with all the little things along the way without being sidetracked. When I arrived back in the kitchen, laundry basket in hand, plus a myriad assortment of other things I needed, I was a bit in shock. It didn't take me 4 trips to get it all, not even two. One trip was all it took. I know this might not seem huge to most people, but for me it was incredible! I am always getting side tracked by little things, or the little things are forgotten.<br />
<br />
The challenge is going to be re-learning how to process all these thoughts, my brain isn't used to working this way.<br />
<br />
Energy. I had more energy than I have had since... well... teen age years?!?!?! I'm sure that's not true, but it has been some time since I have not only had energy to spare, but the drive to get things done. I wanted to accomplish things, it felt like a need to me. It's not to say things didn't distract me, but I was amazed at how easily and quickly I could get myself back on track. <br />
<br />
This is not to say it was perfect and easy. With all those thoughts staying in my head, it felt a bit crowded. The only way to describe it was a headache, without the pain. This is where time will help, time to let my brain learn how to file and process all the extras that are sticking around.<br />
<br />
I ended up taking 10 mg at 7:45 am, and another 10 mg at 1:00 pm. I will continue with this for the next week, and see how I'm feeling, how I'm coping. I may not always take a dose in the afternoon, as there are going to be days that I just want to hang with the boys.<br />
<br />
This is a journey that I never expected to be on, but I am finding that those have become the best parts of my life. I found love (so unexpectedly) when I wasn't looking. I have been given the chance at making my own future. This may just be another journey that I need to take, that will bring me great rewards.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0