Friday, September 23, 2011

Change is never ending

So, more changes on the horizon for me, mostly good thankfully.

It's been a rough start to the school year, things haven't exactly gone according to plan!  Just a mere week into things, and I go and hurt my right foot.  I'm now stuck in an air boot until the my tendons and muscles sort themselves back out.  Which means no running, no walking Onyx (poor guy), very little house cleaning... and in general just makes doing anything annoying!

I've got many projects lined up for this winter, but hopefully not too many that I get overwhelmed.  I will be sewing again, something I have missed, maybe even try to make a few bucks from it.  I will be taking some accounting courses, as it now looks like that is where things are headed.  I have a few basic bookkeeping jobs lined up already, but want to brush up on things, and finally finish my Accounting Certificate.  I've got two years before Little Man is in school full time, if I use this time wisely, I'll be more than ready to join the workforce again.

Of course, the one big thing I had wanted to be doing already, was running!  I'm not sure at this point when I will be able to hit the track again, which is not helping my mood.  I really should at least get some weight and core work done until my foot heals... guess that can be my goal for this next week!

New things...

Got my labret piercing finally :)  It's off on the right side of my face, totally love it.

Getting a new tattoo Sunday.  I've been itching for this one since July, pretty excited to see how it turns out.  I'll of course post pics when it's done :)

I'm looking forward to moving my life forward, not letting things pass me by.  I spent so many years watching others live their lives, it's so much more fun living my own!

Saturday, September 3, 2011

It's my time

In just 4 days I will have every weekday morning (from 8:40 to 11:00) free from my boys!  It's more time then I have had to myself since Monkey was born in '04.  Figuring out what to do with this time is a little harder...

There is always the house to clean.

Taking Onyx out for walks and runs.

Exercise, so many options there.

Grocery shopping.

Listening to the silence.

Reading a book.

Watching my Gecko's.

Enjoying a bath.


Work on the house.

With so many different options, it's hard to figure out what I should do.  Although in the course of a year, I could quite easily do all of them I suppose.

The biggest thing I'm stuck on, is what will happen in 2 years when all three boys will be in full day school?!  Which then makes me think I should use my time now to be prepared for working then...

There are many options available to me, ones that would allow me to stay home as well.  If I were to start them now, I could slowly grow it over the next few years to be ready for my free days.  The question is, what shall it be?!?

Friday, September 2, 2011

I've fallen in love!

Yes, that's right, I have fallen in love!  It all started Tuesday night, and was totally unexpected.  Not what I was expecting at all!  Had not planned this, not looked for it.

Of course you are now probably wondering who I've fallen in love with...

This is my new crested gecko!  Actually he's one of 4 new gecko's for our home.  I won't be bringing him home till next Wednesday, but did bring 3 baby ones home (1 male, 2 females).  I can't tell you how much I am enjoying them, they are the sweetest things.  I can easily see this turning into an obsession, one that I will enjoy immensely!

Monday, August 22, 2011

It always happens lol

So, did I not just write that I very rarely see the ex's thing while out and about in town?!?  Should have kept my mouth shut lol.  I managed to sneak off to Safeway while the boys visited with my Mom, needed to get some groceries for our last camping trip tomorrow.

There I was, perfectly relaxed (I LOVE shopping with no kids lol) scanning my purchases in the self-checkout, when I caught a look of the person behind me at the next station... HER!!!  What gets me is the look she gave me, I'm not responsible for any 'problems' that she may have in this town.  I have been a part of this town for over 25 years, and if asked what happened to my marriage I tell the truth!  Maybe I'm abnormal, but I don't think there is any reason to cover up what he did, it's not that me that was unfaithful, not me who destroyed a family.  Guess she doesn't like that my (and his) friends 'know' what happened, she certainly didn't have to move to the small town that I'm in lol.

Ok, so yes I told the gal working the self check out who she was lol, but she's seen me in there shopping every week for years and years, with and without the kids!  She was also there the day in November 2009 that the ex cornered me in the store and threatened to never see his children or pay for them if I didn't let his thing spend time with the boys.  He also tried to refuse to give Little Man back to me, wouldn't hand him over even though he wanted me.  I totally broke down that day, I couldn't believe that he would put her feelings above the well being of his own children.  The lady working today was the one who called my Mom to come and get me that awful day.

Making my way

It's been some time since I've posted, so much going on, and out of the habit of blogging doesn't help.  This summer has been very busy with the boys, just a bit over 4 weeks of camping has been completed, with another 5 days to go!  We've managed to put over 8000 kms on the Beast (2011 Toyota Sequoia) that I got in late June, it's been all the way from Vancouver Island to Winnipeg Manitoba!  The boys have had a blast chasing crabs, fish and frogs, as well as a varied list of insects lol.  It's been extremely hectic, but also so very rewarding.

Life is moving along, I'm making my way back to my balance.  School will start up in September for the boys, and I will then have every morning free!  Not quite sure what I will do with all this time, but I'm sure I'll find a way to fill it up lol.

I'm almost divorced too!  Can hardly wait :D  Should all be done before the end of the year.  The ex and I are fairly decent terms, been getting along for the most part, it's helped that he's stopped treating me like a second class citizen.  Part of me is still waiting for him to start acting like a jerk again, but I'm hopeful we can keep things civil from now on.  Still don't see is thing around at all, think I've seen her a total of a dozen times in almost 2 years... which rather surprises me, our town only has 13000 in it, you'd think we'd run into each other once in a while.  She must go out of her way to avoid me... guess she's afraid of the big bad ex-wife LMAO.

I'm getting ready for a new tattoo, just waiting for the design to be done.  So excited to get more ink done, been craving it for some time.  Also want another piercing, just need to find some kid free time to sneak that in.

Things with P, are well, going?!?  He's still 3 hours away, and I'm not sure if I see that changing... I really want it to change, and I think he does too, but he's either to scared to take this next step, or just taking his damn sweet time!  I'm going to start pushing him a bit harder, I don't want to spend my life waiting around. Life is too short to not take chances on love!r

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


So much has been going on these last few months, so many changes to adjust too. I've had a lot of personal struggle, but with counseling and medication, I'm making my way back to the surface. I can feel myself slowly getting back into balance, but it's not easy. I've slacked off in so many areas of my life the last while, that I'm having to work that much harder to get things going again.

I've just been waiting for things to happen, waiting for the 'moment' when I feel right. It doesn't work like that. Yes, I needed some time to slow down and heal my soul a bit, but it's time to forge ahead again. It's time to find my path.

As always, I'm not really certain which path I'll be on. There are a number of outside influences that will dictate which direction is the right one. But waiting around for those 'possibilities' isn't going to help me. Just need to work with the knowledge that I have now.

I'm thankful that I can still look forward to my future, that my past isn't completely taking over.

Thursday, May 12, 2011


Alone is safer, alone is sanity.

My heart can't take any more, too many cracks.

Can't see how love is worth the pain.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Tough Questions

First off, I am doing so much better than I was.  But, and yes that is a big but, I know I have a lot of stuff to work through.  I need to work much harder on balance in my life, as well as putting my needs further up the list.

I made it into counselling finally today, and it felt great to talk, and yes cry.  I was actually given homework, not sure I've had homework from counselling before.  One would think the particular question I was asked to answer would be easy, but I'm rather astounded at just how hard I'm finding it is!

What do I want?

Not what don't I want, and believe me, I have many answers for that one.

What do I want?

I honestly don't have a real answer.  Since I don't have an answer to that question, I can't answer the second one.

What can I do to achieve this?

Difficult questions that are going to require some serious thought.  I have put the needs of my children above my own (for the most part, it's not all them), that I'm starting to lose myself again.

I need balance.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Elusive sleep

In a bid to get better rest last night, I took 3 melatonin at 10 pm last night.  As sleepy as I got, sleep was elusive.  I laid there for hours, in and out of sleep.  No real thoughts going through my head, just random images.

The big question that is being asked, not just by others that I'm shutting out, but by myself.


I really wish I knew.  I really wish I had the answers.



Maybe I don't want to know the answer this time.  Maybe I'm tired of always making things work.  Maybe I'm tired of being strong.

I just don't know...

Sunday, March 20, 2011


I feel the need to isolate myself from the world, to hide away.

Too much pain and suffering.

I truly wonder just how much more I can take.  I've had love ripped away, destroyed.  I've managed to get back up and continue on with my life, but I wonder if I'll be able to do it again.  Is making a connection with one person worth the risk of my sanity?  My boys don't need someone else in their lives.  They still have their father, and they will always have me.

I'm scared.

Scared of following my heart, and having it broken yet again.  Scared that if I don't follow it, I will miss out on a love that will make all the past broken hearts worth it.  If such a thing truly exists.

I know life isn't easy, and that pain can be worked through.  But I'm tired, just so very tired.  My boys drain me each and every day, leaving so little of me left.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Off Balance

I'm not sure what is going on, and I'm not sure why it's gotten so bad.  I'm out of balance, I'm teetering on the edge.  What little control I had over my life seems to have disappeared.

Emotionally I am drained, desolate.

Overwhelmingly tired and exhausted.  Not just physically either.

I need to refocus on my boys.  I need to find some solid ground to stand on.

I'm just not sure where to turn, what to look for.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

New family member

I've taken the plunge, and found a dog for our family!  We got him at our local animal shelter, which is where we got our cat Catch back in 2009.  He is a 6 month old Rough Collie/Bullmastiff cross.  He is certainly not a small boy, but not too large... yet!    His first night wasn't too bad, he took a little while to settle in his crate, but finally did sleep.  He has only had one accident in the house, and I am being careful to get him out to his 'spot' on a regular basis.  He already knows some commands, and I will work with him daily to keep them up.  We attend obedience training next month.  The only real issue so far has been the cats, they are truly not impressed.  It will take some time to introduce them to each other, right now I am keeping them separate. Hopefully in a few weeks they can all roam the house at the same time.

The boys of course are thrilled!  They've been wanting a dog for many years, and I was only waiting until we were nicely settled here, as well as the right dog to come along.  I would say that so far Onyx is fitting in beautifully.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Tumbling thoughts

I'm finding my thoughts just tumbling through my head tonight, seems no particular rhyme or reason to most of them.  I need to figure out a way to sift through all these ideas/thoughts, a way to file them for later reflection.  It's now past midnight, and I need to be awake in around 6 hours, but I don't see sleep coming anytime soon.

Wonder if I ramble here, will that help my thoughts settle down???

Let's try!

My drug trial is going well.  I've noticed some improvements, but I think I need to adjust the dosage.  I'm finding that it is wearing off quicker, and also not working quite as well.  It's still doing it's job, just not as well as it was or could do I think.  I've also figured out that taking a whole weekend off from taking the meds is not so great!  It was fine during the weekend, but trying to get back on track Monday morning was extremely difficult.  I found it very hard to concentrate on things, like too much was going on for me to process.  This could be a long road for me, but it is making me hopeful.

Monkey is going to start a drug trial next month.  I'm of course really freaked out by this, but at the same time I'm optimistic.  His behavior at school is so much better, but of course his inattention is still a major problem.  I would rather get him on track now, than wait until he falls further behind at school.  The best part of this, is that I did NOT have to fight my ex to get Monkey into the trial.  From everything he had said over the last few months, he was very much against medicating Monkey.  I wouldn't say I was for it, but I was open to it if it looked like he would need the help.  I am thankful that I can at least see if this is what he needs... it's already helping me.

The boys have adjusted to the new sleeping arrangements wonderfully!  In the week and a half since switching them around, I've only had Little Man in my bed twice.  Yup, you read that right, twice!!!  For  the last year, I have had him in my bed almost every single night.  For a number of months, he would only go to sleep in my bed, not even sure why he had his own room?!?!  I worked hard on at least getting to fall asleep in his bed a few months back, which he did with no issue, but he still always came to my room by 1 am every single night.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love to snuggle my boys, but there were times I wanted my own space!  It's rather nice to wake up alone, stretch, and then get ready without having to worry about waking up a kid until it's time.

I'm not sure what I should, if I should, say anything about my ex.  Some good has been happening, and some just plain odd.  There's nothing that would affect the boys, and I'm not even sure it really affects me.  He did apologize (in his own way) to me a few weeks back.  Things were escalating with us again, so I stopped him and asked if he really wanted to be doing this for the next 20 years?!  I told him that we are in this situation because of mistakes we had both made, that we needed to stop dragging up the past, and move forward.  He looked me straight in the eyes and said 'You did nothing wrong in our marriage, you bare no blame for any of this'.  To say I was floored would be understating it.  I never expected him to say that, especially considering he's usually all about blaming me.  This doesn't really change things for me, other than it was somewhat nice to hear him acknowledge his blame.  It doesn't change that I'm so much happier, it doesn't negate the pain that I suffered, it doesn't change much of anything.  It's just a little too late as far as I'm concerned.  I still don't know if I'll ever forgive him, I can still recall the pain I went through.  I can still too easily recall my boys pain as they realized that their happy little world was crumbling around them.

I do think I need to let go a bit more, need to stop dwelling on things that are in the past.  It's not easy though, especially when you have 3 little beings around every day reminding you that you had a different life for a time.  I need to find a way to get past this, because I don't think I've buried all the hurt and pain as much as I would like.  I need to flush my mind of all the crap he stuck there, all the negative energy he left behind.

I want my present life to be without any bitterness, without all these negative feelings.  I need to cleanse my mind.

I have a lot of hope for my future, and many dreams to keep me looking forward.  I also have many ideas on how to attain those dreams, and may have finally been given the tools to reach for them!

Saturday, February 5, 2011

It never fails

It's amazing that right when you think things are going really well, that something can come along and just ruin that feeling?!?!  Yesterday was going really well, managed to get a lot done.  I moved the boys sleeping situation around a bit.  Monkey needs a bit of space, especially if he's going to have any hope of concentrating.  Little Man has been begging for a bigger bed the last few months, he was in a toddler bed.  So, I decided to move Monkey upstairs into the murphy bed, and Little Man down to Monkey's old bed.  This worked well as I did not need to purchase a new bed, and in fact get to sell one now.

Obviously the rest of the house has been suffering with the work I've been doing, but I felt that some progress was being made.  I got the boys into their beds, and turned the lights out by 8:00 pm.  I was impressed that I only had to go and speak to Bug & Little man once before it was just silence in the house.  I did a little more work at this time, then finally made myself some dinner.  I decided to take it downstairs to enjoy while catching up on some shows.  There was a slight problem with this plan.  I got settled on the couch, and turned the TV on.  I could hear things, but I couldn't see anything?!?!  At first I thought maybe the boys had changed a setting, so tried to get into the menu.  Nothing.  This is when I got up to inspect the TV.  There were two huge cracks on the upper right portion of the screen.  To say I was angry would be an understatement.  I was actually glad that they boys were in bed, as it allowed me time to get myself under control.

A little background.  In April of 2010, I had to replace our TV because Little Man whacked it with a plastic toy hammer.  So, the now broken TV downstairs has only been in this house for 10 months.

When the boys woke up in the morning, we had a family meeting.  I was informed by Little Man that he threw a toy, and it hit the TV.  So then I informed them of a few things.  Firstly, I am NOT buying a new TV at this time.  If I do buy a new TV, it will be for my room, for me only.  Also, the money to purchase that TV will come from the savings fund for their iPads.  As you can imagine, they weren't too happy with this.

I don't know what to do with Little Man these days.  I put him in time outs, his room, and take his toys away when he throws them, but it isn't working!  I never had this much trouble with the other two, then again, I wasn't doing this on my own when they were this age.  I can't really put the blame there, as I was still the main person to hand out punishments, as well as there a lot more than their father.  I'm just at a loss as to how to handle Little Man.

Right now I am concentrating on getting my house completely in hand, get all the things out that we don't need (either sell or donate).  Move the boys craft stuff downstairs to the new craft area, and get my area organized and ready to go.  I'm still positive about how things are going, and know that I am on the right path, it's just these little things that keep coming along and setting me back a bit.

Thursday, February 3, 2011


This has been the best/strangest/oddest day I have had in some time.   So much has happened, and so much more can come from it.  A lot I can't speak about yet, one day though, I hope.  What I will talk about was how I felt.  I was so hesitant to try Dexedrine, to try any ADHD medications for that matter, and I'm still not sure exactly what to think.  It wasn't bad, but it was certainly different.  I will try to explain, but I warn you this could end up making no sense!

I felt like the space in my head GREW!  All those little (and some big) thoughts that would slip from my mind before I could deal with them, were there.  All the tasks that I needed to accomplish at any given time, again they were there.  I actually managed to get down to deal with laundry this morning, and deal with all the little things along the way without being sidetracked.  When I arrived back in the kitchen, laundry basket in hand, plus a myriad assortment of other things I needed, I was a bit in shock.  It didn't take me 4 trips to get it all, not even two.  One trip was all it took.  I know this might not seem huge to most people, but for me it was incredible!  I am always getting side tracked by little things, or the little things are forgotten.

The challenge is going to be re-learning how to process all these thoughts, my brain isn't used to working this way.

Energy.  I had more energy than I have had since... well... teen age years?!?!?!  I'm sure that's not true, but it has been some time since I have not only had energy to spare, but the drive to get things done.  I wanted to accomplish things, it felt like a need to me.  It's not to say things didn't distract me, but I was amazed at how easily and quickly I could get myself back on track.

This is not to say it was perfect and easy.  With all those thoughts staying in my head, it felt a bit crowded.  The only way to describe it was a headache, without the pain.  This is where time will help, time to let my brain learn how to file and process all the extras that are sticking around.

I ended up taking 10 mg at 7:45 am, and another 10 mg at 1:00 pm.  I will continue with this for the next week, and see how I'm feeling, how I'm coping.  I may not always take a dose in the afternoon, as there are going to be days that I just want to hang with the boys.

This is a journey that I never expected to be on, but I am finding that those have become the best parts of my life.  I found love (so unexpectedly) when I wasn't looking.  I have been given the chance at making my own future.  This may just be another journey that I need to take, that will bring me great rewards.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


So much is happening, so much that I want to happen... it's not always easy remembering what I need to do!  Tomorrow is a day that could help make my life so much easier.  It's not something I really want to do, but something that I at least must try.

With Monkey having recently been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, and Oppositional Defiance Disorder, life around here has changed.  But nearly as much as it should be.  I've come to the realization that he gets a lot of this from me.  The more I read & see, the more I see myself in him... big time.

He needs help, and so do I.  So I will start taking Dexedrine tomorrow morning to see if it can help me, help him.  I'm nervous, I'm scared, but I also know this is something I have to do.  Not only could it help Monkey (by helping me), it could help me bring my own dreams to reality.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

This is my year!

2011 is starting off with a great start so far!  Not to say 2010 was bad, but this year is showing some real promise for me.  I have love in my life, and prospects for my future.  It's not to say that there isn't struggle and strife, but what is life without struggle?  I see change coming, change that I desperately want!