Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Tumbling thoughts

I'm finding my thoughts just tumbling through my head tonight, seems no particular rhyme or reason to most of them.  I need to figure out a way to sift through all these ideas/thoughts, a way to file them for later reflection.  It's now past midnight, and I need to be awake in around 6 hours, but I don't see sleep coming anytime soon.

Wonder if I ramble here, will that help my thoughts settle down???

Let's try!

My drug trial is going well.  I've noticed some improvements, but I think I need to adjust the dosage.  I'm finding that it is wearing off quicker, and also not working quite as well.  It's still doing it's job, just not as well as it was or could do I think.  I've also figured out that taking a whole weekend off from taking the meds is not so great!  It was fine during the weekend, but trying to get back on track Monday morning was extremely difficult.  I found it very hard to concentrate on things, like too much was going on for me to process.  This could be a long road for me, but it is making me hopeful.

Monkey is going to start a drug trial next month.  I'm of course really freaked out by this, but at the same time I'm optimistic.  His behavior at school is so much better, but of course his inattention is still a major problem.  I would rather get him on track now, than wait until he falls further behind at school.  The best part of this, is that I did NOT have to fight my ex to get Monkey into the trial.  From everything he had said over the last few months, he was very much against medicating Monkey.  I wouldn't say I was for it, but I was open to it if it looked like he would need the help.  I am thankful that I can at least see if this is what he needs... it's already helping me.

The boys have adjusted to the new sleeping arrangements wonderfully!  In the week and a half since switching them around, I've only had Little Man in my bed twice.  Yup, you read that right, twice!!!  For  the last year, I have had him in my bed almost every single night.  For a number of months, he would only go to sleep in my bed, not even sure why he had his own room?!?!  I worked hard on at least getting to fall asleep in his bed a few months back, which he did with no issue, but he still always came to my room by 1 am every single night.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love to snuggle my boys, but there were times I wanted my own space!  It's rather nice to wake up alone, stretch, and then get ready without having to worry about waking up a kid until it's time.

I'm not sure what I should, if I should, say anything about my ex.  Some good has been happening, and some just plain odd.  There's nothing that would affect the boys, and I'm not even sure it really affects me.  He did apologize (in his own way) to me a few weeks back.  Things were escalating with us again, so I stopped him and asked if he really wanted to be doing this for the next 20 years?!  I told him that we are in this situation because of mistakes we had both made, that we needed to stop dragging up the past, and move forward.  He looked me straight in the eyes and said 'You did nothing wrong in our marriage, you bare no blame for any of this'.  To say I was floored would be understating it.  I never expected him to say that, especially considering he's usually all about blaming me.  This doesn't really change things for me, other than it was somewhat nice to hear him acknowledge his blame.  It doesn't change that I'm so much happier, it doesn't negate the pain that I suffered, it doesn't change much of anything.  It's just a little too late as far as I'm concerned.  I still don't know if I'll ever forgive him, I can still recall the pain I went through.  I can still too easily recall my boys pain as they realized that their happy little world was crumbling around them.

I do think I need to let go a bit more, need to stop dwelling on things that are in the past.  It's not easy though, especially when you have 3 little beings around every day reminding you that you had a different life for a time.  I need to find a way to get past this, because I don't think I've buried all the hurt and pain as much as I would like.  I need to flush my mind of all the crap he stuck there, all the negative energy he left behind.

I want my present life to be without any bitterness, without all these negative feelings.  I need to cleanse my mind.

I have a lot of hope for my future, and many dreams to keep me looking forward.  I also have many ideas on how to attain those dreams, and may have finally been given the tools to reach for them!

No comments:

Post a Comment