Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Slacking on my blogging lately!!!

I have been such a blog slacker lately! It just seems that life has kind of taken over, which in many ways is not a bad thing. The house is slowly getting organized, still lots going on though. Painting should be done in a few days, the doorway to Little Man's room is in, and I even have a door to my bedroom. There are still a number of updates that I would like to do, but they can wait a few weeks to a month. Right now I just want to fully settle in, and enjoy things for a while.

For myself, I am doing really, really well. I haven't felt this good about myself in more years than I can remember. Don't ask why I did this, but I tried my wedding dress on last week. Within just a few months of getting married 13 years ago, I started gaining the weight, which means I have not been able to put it on since that day. Well, it fits now, probably better than it did all those years ago. The only real sentiment I felt wearing that dress, was that my good friends mother made it. When the divorce is final, I will decide what to do with it... maybe a wedding dress burning bonfire???

I did get out for some fun this past weekend, how wonderful that was! I love my boys completely, but it is nice to feel like a women as well at times... an attractive, hot one at that ;). I'm sure you will all agree that having a man look at you in that certain way is one hell of a boost to the ego! And I got some major ego boosting this weekend. Now to just work more of that time in.

Soccer for the boys started last week, their first organized sporting event. I can't even explain just how excited they were. Bug took to soccer like a duck to water, that boy certainly loves to run! Corbin also had a blast, it will be good for him to participate in activities like this with his friends. It was also a nice chance for me to meet some of the Mom's & Dad's, which is hard at school pick-up and drop-offs. I will be seeing these people many, many times over the coming years, and would like a good relationship with them.

Speaking of house and soccer, I need to get some laundry going, and get ready for Bug's soccer practice!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Almost forgot to introduce Catch

In my earlier musings, I forgot to introduce the newest member of our family. She was picked up from our local humane society, a suggestion that Monkey made (I am very proud of him for this choice) when I said we could get another cat. Catch is a 5 month old grey tabby. She is very active, purrs beautifully, and even chatters a bit. She is settling in well so far, of course Luna has been in hiding ever since. Luna is in her 13th year, so with the moving, and now new cat, she has a right to be a bit grumpy. I do hope they can be friends eventually though.

The boys are over the moon with Catch especially Little Man, he is constantly running around calling out Kitty! He is good with her for the most part, but does need to learn how to hold her a bit better. Thankfully Catch is very tolerant of Little Man's attention, which is why I wanted a cat under 6 months of age. As I sat with her last night, I did wonder if I got her for the boys, or myself? It felt good to have something so little and sweet to hold, something that loves unconditionally. It felt like she was bringing me a little bit of healing with her rumbling purr.

Flashing back.

They say that when you die, your life flashes before your eyes. I believe that impending divorce is a lot like that. I find myself 'flashing' back to past events several times a day. Sometimes it's from going someplace that He and I went together, or doing something We did together, and other times it doesn't seem to correlate at all. What surprises me the most, is how mundane some of those things were, nothing really momentous. I would have thought it would be the big things that would get to me. Then again, it is the daily, mundane things, that really form our lives. The great big momentous events, are just that, events. Some of course are more central to who we are, like the first time you hold your baby in your arms, but most are things that we enjoy and then move on from.

These flashes usually leave me feeling a little sad, even a little lonely, which is saying a lot when I am surrounded by my three boisterous boys all day. I don't get weepy, or start crying, just feel sad that those moments will never happen again. I don't really miss Him right now, but I miss who he used to be, who We used to be. The person he has become I do not want in my life, I don't need that in my life, and of course I don't need Her in my life either. That is probably the whole crux of this situation, Her. In His quest for this new life, he has left behind something incredible. I wonder if he realizes just what he has given up, and that it is gone forever. I am not just talking about the boys, but about our marriage. He may say that we should never have been married, but I will not believe that. I was happy, nothing he says will change that. I loved him with every fiber of my being, and would have done anything in my power to make our marriage work. But, that choice was ripped away from me, by actions and choices that I was not a part of.

Will I ever forgive him for this? I don't know. Will we ever be friends again? Again, I can't say. I truly hope that one day we can, we have many years in which we must be co-parents to our three boys. For their sake, I pray that we can come to an understanding, and soon.

Monday, October 5, 2009

I'm Home!

I write this while sitting in my new house, the first night in my new house actually... it feels amazing! I got possession of the house last Wednesday, but spent the first 4 days cleaning and moving boxes. The furniture was moved in yesterday, which left me last night and today to get things ready to bring the boys over. They were so excited to get in here, didn't have too many issues this first night. Bug did say he wanted to sleep at Grandma's house, but I did convince him (wasn't that difficult) that he should stay here with me.

It feels so incredible to have all this space for myself and the boys, things were a little cramped at my parents house. The privacy is something I have been dreaming about for weeks, it's nice to have my own space to breath.

Things will be a bit crazy around here for the next week or so, I have someone coming to paint in the evenings, and of course the typical organizing and cleaning. Enough to keep me busy for a few weeks. One of the big items on my list is to get the garage sorted out so I can park the van in it. We had the first snow fall Saturday, and scraping snow and ice off my van is NOT my idea of fun. Let's just hope that the weather holds off for a little while, at least enough time to get the garage done.

I will start taking pictures of each room as it gets done, painting and organizing. I can't wait to see how it will all work out!