Friday, October 9, 2009
They say that when you die, your life flashes before your eyes. I believe that impending divorce is a lot like that. I find myself 'flashing' back to past events several times a day. Sometimes it's from going someplace that He and I went together, or doing something We did together, and other times it doesn't seem to correlate at all. What surprises me the most, is how mundane some of those things were, nothing really momentous. I would have thought it would be the big things that would get to me. Then again, it is the daily, mundane things, that really form our lives. The great big momentous events, are just that, events. Some of course are more central to who we are, like the first time you hold your baby in your arms, but most are things that we enjoy and then move on from.
These flashes usually leave me feeling a little sad, even a little lonely, which is saying a lot when I am surrounded by my three boisterous boys all day. I don't get weepy, or start crying, just feel sad that those moments will never happen again. I don't really miss Him right now, but I miss who he used to be, who We used to be. The person he has become I do not want in my life, I don't need that in my life, and of course I don't need Her in my life either. That is probably the whole crux of this situation, Her. In His quest for this new life, he has left behind something incredible. I wonder if he realizes just what he has given up, and that it is gone forever. I am not just talking about the boys, but about our marriage. He may say that we should never have been married, but I will not believe that. I was happy, nothing he says will change that. I loved him with every fiber of my being, and would have done anything in my power to make our marriage work. But, that choice was ripped away from me, by actions and choices that I was not a part of.
Will I ever forgive him for this? I don't know. Will we ever be friends again? Again, I can't say. I truly hope that one day we can, we have many years in which we must be co-parents to our three boys. For their sake, I pray that we can come to an understanding, and soon.