Life always moves forward...

It hurts, it sucks!  Doing what is best for yourself is not always easy, especially if coasting along is an option.  I could have just coasted and kept things as they were, but the pain at the end would have been so much worse than it is now, so much more intense.  I know it was the wise move to finish it now, but it hurts...

I only hope that I can get past this aspect of things, and continue on with a wonderful friendship one day.  I need to step back, to get myself back into my own rhythm... not worrying about someone else's.  I really need to find out just who I am, before embarking in any further relationships... who knows, maybe I will find that what I had was all I needed... but not knowing if there is anything more sure, concrete, or permanent out there, means that I just don't know yet.

Priorities

“Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option”

This... this is what I need to always remember!  If the person I am making a priority in my life is not doing the same, I am short changing myself.  I am worth being someone's priority, and I should not settle for less.

As easy as this sounds, it's really not.  When you are testing the waters of relationships again, it can be very easy to fall for someone who either won't, or can't, put forth the same effort or commitment.  And of course once your heart is involved, whether or not that feeling is reciprocated, you can easily forget about the little things that bug you.

I think I am in that position right now, and it really sucks that I've let it happen.

Trying to find someone for myself, while still taking care of my 3 boys, is so much more work than I would like.  For my sake (and the boys), this side of my life needs to be kept somewhat separate.    Which just means another complication for my life, among the many I already have.  For my own sanity I should just really take a break from worrying or thinking about finding 'that one' for the rest of the summer, so many other things I should be concentrating on.  Again, not so easy to do.

Sigh, no one wants to be alone...

Some changes

Well, after this joyful weekend, and all that ensued.... I am making some changes.  Other than spending time with my kids, I am just going to concentrate on working out!  I have some goals in mind, and I don't want anything to get in the way of reaching them.  All this dating, and what not, was really starting to stress me out!  Dating with 3 little boys at home is very, very difficult!  It's also compounded by the fact that I can't rely on the ex to actually take them when he is supposed to, which makes it rather difficult to make plans.  How are you supposed to get to know someone if you can only see them once or twice a month?!?!

I'm lucky that I have some incredible friends, that are there for me when I need them.  Without them in my life it would be so much harder navigating my way through everything.  I really wonder how I survived all those years married without them, how I possibly enjoyed my life with them missing?  I must remember at all times to keep them close to me from now on, they help me keep balanced.

Things 2...

Well, it has been an extremely busy week off of school!  I feel like I've really had little time to just enjoy things... except for Monday.  On that day I took the boys, along with my Mom, up to Banff for some walking around, as well as a chance to use the hot springs.  Which I won't be able to use for a few weeks because of my Tattoo.  The boys had a blast in the water, really need to make more time to go swimming with them once my tattoo is healed.  Monkey is getting very, very brave in the water.  It is such a nice change considering how scared he used to be, although it has it's draw backs as well.  I have to be extra vigilant keeping an eye on him.

My tattoo is healing, but is still very tender.  Putting a shirt on is uncomfortable, and sleeping isn't much better right now.  Another few days though and it should be much better.  Going to see about getting another session of lasering for my back next week, really want to get that finished off.  I don't want to get another tattoo until my back is done.  I will also need to chat with some artists about designing my next two as well.

I have a busy weekend off planned right now.  I'm heading out with a friend tonight for some drinking (not too much) and some dancing.  I will then be working for my Mom at her store Saturday, it's been many (at least 5) years since I have worked for her.  It will be interesting to see how that goes.  It's actually been that long since I last worked a job of any kind!  Scary!!!  I am then going on a date Saturday night, another scary thought!  I've been on a number since October, but it's still something that makes me nervous.  The joys of being single again!

Now that I'm dating again...

I found this article at CNN the other day, and it got me thinking about my own 'list'.  Here's the article.  For myself the 'big' items on my list are...

• Honesty & openness
• Acceptance of my boys, who will always be my priority
• Accept me for who I am, not try to change or mold me
• Communication, whether it's the big things or just some conversation
• Confidence, but not conceit

These are the key things for me, the ones that must be found.  Looks are not really on the list, it's more about what attracts me to that person... and it's not always how someone looks.  To me confidence is what I find attractive, if you are confident about yourself, it shows.

I want to find someone to share my life with, my dreams and my passions.  They don't have to have the same dreams, but be willing to acknowledge mine, and help me work towards them.  I am always willing to help others work towards their dreams.  I want to find dreams that can be shared, pursued, and enjoyed together.  I really just want a partner in my life.

I'm sure it will take many years to find this 'person', but I could be lucky and meet them tomorrow... or who knows, they may already be in my life and I just don't know it yet.  This is just another journey for me, another aspect of finding me.

Slacking on my blogging lately!!!

I have been such a blog slacker lately! It just seems that life has kind of taken over, which in many ways is not a bad thing. The house is slowly getting organized, still lots going on though. Painting should be done in a few days, the doorway to Little Man's room is in, and I even have a door to my bedroom. There are still a number of updates that I would like to do, but they can wait a few weeks to a month. Right now I just want to fully settle in, and enjoy things for a while.

For myself, I am doing really, really well. I haven't felt this good about myself in more years than I can remember. Don't ask why I did this, but I tried my wedding dress on last week. Within just a few months of getting married 13 years ago, I started gaining the weight, which means I have not been able to put it on since that day. Well, it fits now, probably better than it did all those years ago. The only real sentiment I felt wearing that dress, was that my good friends mother made it. When the divorce is final, I will decide what to do with it... maybe a wedding dress burning bonfire???

I did get out for some fun this past weekend, how wonderful that was! I love my boys completely, but it is nice to feel like a women as well at times... an attractive, hot one at that ;). I'm sure you will all agree that having a man look at you in that certain way is one hell of a boost to the ego! And I got some major ego boosting this weekend. Now to just work more of that time in.

Soccer for the boys started last week, their first organized sporting event. I can't even explain just how excited they were. Bug took to soccer like a duck to water, that boy certainly loves to run! Corbin also had a blast, it will be good for him to participate in activities like this with his friends. It was also a nice chance for me to meet some of the Mom's & Dad's, which is hard at school pick-up and drop-offs. I will be seeing these people many, many times over the coming years, and would like a good relationship with them.

Speaking of house and soccer, I need to get some laundry going, and get ready for Bug's soccer practice!

Strength

It's a strange feeling when your counselors keep asking you how you are able to deal with such stressful situations so well?!? I was point blank asked on Friday where I got the knowledge to know that his affair is not my fault in any way! You would think you go to counselors to help you come to that conclusion, not have them wonder how you already had the strength to get there yourself.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing... just very, very strange.

It also seems strange to have other Mom's tell me that I am an inspiration. I really don't feel that I am, I just feel like I am doing the best that I can given the crap situation that I have been dealt with. It also makes me feel like I need to find a way to help other women in this situation, but I have no idea how to go about it. Maybe one day the right opportunity will come along to show me what I can do.

Today was a better day for me, I had a wonderful counseling session this morning. This really helped me see where I am. It also showed me that I am moving in the right direction, and that by continuing on this present path I will come to a good place. A place that I can heal properly, and come out the other side healthier, and happier. Let's just hope it comes sooner rather than later.

I was chatting with a male friend from high school last night, and he helped remind me that I do have power. I was, and am (although I know many would disagree with this), a rather shy person, but he believes that I have always had power when it comes to men. I think he's right, I've never felt odd or out of place when dating or flirting. I don't feel this power when I am in a room full of women I have never met... just not as comfortable. When I am ready to date again, I want to remember what he said. I am not powerless!