Very simply stated, I'm overwhelmed.
My emotional state is tenuous at best, but put it under added stress, and I start shutting down. I feel almost invisible, sort of wish I was actually. I know I'll get through this, as I have many many times before, just so very tiring.
I took Little Man to counselling yesterday, to get him help with his overwhelming anger. He did well, he connected with her. I didn't do so well. Sitting in that office, not one I'd ever been too before, took me back to the days of Bugs cancer treatment. I felt panic, fear, desolation. It's been some time since I'd had such a strong flashback, such a flood of painful emotions. Makes me wonder if I will ever truly be able to move on emotionally.
Tonight I'll get my fingers dirty working in my yard, giving myself a chance to reconnect with the earth. I could truly use her healing right now.
The last few years I have fought hard for my kids, which will never stop. But to help C and H through school issues, and to support P through cancer, I have somehow left myself behind. I have let my self go... and I need to find her again if I'm to keep fighting for my boys!
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Saturday, February 20, 2016
My own River of Lethe
That is just a few words I would use to describe my memories. So much of my childhood is missing, my school years spotty. Listening to friends describe antics we got up to as kids, is like to listening to someone else's life. It's as if at points in my life I have waded through the River Lethe. Washed clean my memories.
Trying to root through my memories is something I dislike, not because of what they contain, but because I have access to so few. The few that are ingrained are ones that I truly wish I could let fade in to the background.
A few things you would think I would remember
My wedding... huge freaking blanks throughout that day! Especially of the ceremony.
High School... I know I went, I have a couple of moments I remember. The most distinct being teacher conferences in Grade 10. I had finally pulled a grade up to the high 70's (had been failing) in Accounting, my Step-fathers comment to my teacher was not to get too excited, I'd start failing again soon enough. Being ground down are among the strongest memories I have. I do remember my teacher trying to talk to me the next day, asking if I needed help. Why didn't I beg him for help, instead of telling him I was ok?!?!
One set of memories I'm glad to have fading, are the ones of my ex husband. Then again, our marriage was so lackluster there isn't much that would stand out.
Then we get to the sharp and clear memories.
The birth of my three amazing boys, each experience so unique.
Then the few days surrounding my middle son's cancer diagnosis. I can tell you the time that each major moment happened, I can remember what the room looked like. I most especially can remember the abject fear and terror that I felt running through my veins like wildfire. No one (other than another cancer mom) truly understands how that changes everything about your life! I may not be living in those moments, but they have shaped who I am now. I look back on moments from before, and it's like looking into someone else's life. Do I wish I was as carefree and easy going as before? YES. Three years is not nearly long enough to forget those months and months of wondering if my child would truly survive. If I would be granted the chance to watch him grow up. Treatment may be done, but cancer is still a large part of our lives. The constant leg pain he gets, caused by one of the chemo's in his cocktail. The unknown heart problem that is limiting his activity, likely caused from a different chemo. When does it end? Just because remission is achieved, does not mean your life is clear of cancer.
How I wish the River Lethe was before me now, to help numb the memories that pervade my life so completely.
Created by FindingAnge at 11:42 AM No comments:
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