Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Tumbling thoughts

I'm finding my thoughts just tumbling through my head tonight, seems no particular rhyme or reason to most of them.  I need to figure out a way to sift through all these ideas/thoughts, a way to file them for later reflection.  It's now past midnight, and I need to be awake in around 6 hours, but I don't see sleep coming anytime soon.

Wonder if I ramble here, will that help my thoughts settle down???

Let's try!

My drug trial is going well.  I've noticed some improvements, but I think I need to adjust the dosage.  I'm finding that it is wearing off quicker, and also not working quite as well.  It's still doing it's job, just not as well as it was or could do I think.  I've also figured out that taking a whole weekend off from taking the meds is not so great!  It was fine during the weekend, but trying to get back on track Monday morning was extremely difficult.  I found it very hard to concentrate on things, like too much was going on for me to process.  This could be a long road for me, but it is making me hopeful.

Monkey is going to start a drug trial next month.  I'm of course really freaked out by this, but at the same time I'm optimistic.  His behavior at school is so much better, but of course his inattention is still a major problem.  I would rather get him on track now, than wait until he falls further behind at school.  The best part of this, is that I did NOT have to fight my ex to get Monkey into the trial.  From everything he had said over the last few months, he was very much against medicating Monkey.  I wouldn't say I was for it, but I was open to it if it looked like he would need the help.  I am thankful that I can at least see if this is what he needs... it's already helping me.

The boys have adjusted to the new sleeping arrangements wonderfully!  In the week and a half since switching them around, I've only had Little Man in my bed twice.  Yup, you read that right, twice!!!  For  the last year, I have had him in my bed almost every single night.  For a number of months, he would only go to sleep in my bed, not even sure why he had his own room?!?!  I worked hard on at least getting to fall asleep in his bed a few months back, which he did with no issue, but he still always came to my room by 1 am every single night.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love to snuggle my boys, but there were times I wanted my own space!  It's rather nice to wake up alone, stretch, and then get ready without having to worry about waking up a kid until it's time.

I'm not sure what I should, if I should, say anything about my ex.  Some good has been happening, and some just plain odd.  There's nothing that would affect the boys, and I'm not even sure it really affects me.  He did apologize (in his own way) to me a few weeks back.  Things were escalating with us again, so I stopped him and asked if he really wanted to be doing this for the next 20 years?!  I told him that we are in this situation because of mistakes we had both made, that we needed to stop dragging up the past, and move forward.  He looked me straight in the eyes and said 'You did nothing wrong in our marriage, you bare no blame for any of this'.  To say I was floored would be understating it.  I never expected him to say that, especially considering he's usually all about blaming me.  This doesn't really change things for me, other than it was somewhat nice to hear him acknowledge his blame.  It doesn't change that I'm so much happier, it doesn't negate the pain that I suffered, it doesn't change much of anything.  It's just a little too late as far as I'm concerned.  I still don't know if I'll ever forgive him, I can still recall the pain I went through.  I can still too easily recall my boys pain as they realized that their happy little world was crumbling around them.

I do think I need to let go a bit more, need to stop dwelling on things that are in the past.  It's not easy though, especially when you have 3 little beings around every day reminding you that you had a different life for a time.  I need to find a way to get past this, because I don't think I've buried all the hurt and pain as much as I would like.  I need to flush my mind of all the crap he stuck there, all the negative energy he left behind.

I want my present life to be without any bitterness, without all these negative feelings.  I need to cleanse my mind.

I have a lot of hope for my future, and many dreams to keep me looking forward.  I also have many ideas on how to attain those dreams, and may have finally been given the tools to reach for them!

Saturday, February 5, 2011

It never fails

It's amazing that right when you think things are going really well, that something can come along and just ruin that feeling?!?!  Yesterday was going really well, managed to get a lot done.  I moved the boys sleeping situation around a bit.  Monkey needs a bit of space, especially if he's going to have any hope of concentrating.  Little Man has been begging for a bigger bed the last few months, he was in a toddler bed.  So, I decided to move Monkey upstairs into the murphy bed, and Little Man down to Monkey's old bed.  This worked well as I did not need to purchase a new bed, and in fact get to sell one now.

Obviously the rest of the house has been suffering with the work I've been doing, but I felt that some progress was being made.  I got the boys into their beds, and turned the lights out by 8:00 pm.  I was impressed that I only had to go and speak to Bug & Little man once before it was just silence in the house.  I did a little more work at this time, then finally made myself some dinner.  I decided to take it downstairs to enjoy while catching up on some shows.  There was a slight problem with this plan.  I got settled on the couch, and turned the TV on.  I could hear things, but I couldn't see anything?!?!  At first I thought maybe the boys had changed a setting, so tried to get into the menu.  Nothing.  This is when I got up to inspect the TV.  There were two huge cracks on the upper right portion of the screen.  To say I was angry would be an understatement.  I was actually glad that they boys were in bed, as it allowed me time to get myself under control.

A little background.  In April of 2010, I had to replace our TV because Little Man whacked it with a plastic toy hammer.  So, the now broken TV downstairs has only been in this house for 10 months.

When the boys woke up in the morning, we had a family meeting.  I was informed by Little Man that he threw a toy, and it hit the TV.  So then I informed them of a few things.  Firstly, I am NOT buying a new TV at this time.  If I do buy a new TV, it will be for my room, for me only.  Also, the money to purchase that TV will come from the savings fund for their iPads.  As you can imagine, they weren't too happy with this.

I don't know what to do with Little Man these days.  I put him in time outs, his room, and take his toys away when he throws them, but it isn't working!  I never had this much trouble with the other two, then again, I wasn't doing this on my own when they were this age.  I can't really put the blame there, as I was still the main person to hand out punishments, as well as there a lot more than their father.  I'm just at a loss as to how to handle Little Man.

Right now I am concentrating on getting my house completely in hand, get all the things out that we don't need (either sell or donate).  Move the boys craft stuff downstairs to the new craft area, and get my area organized and ready to go.  I'm still positive about how things are going, and know that I am on the right path, it's just these little things that keep coming along and setting me back a bit.

Thursday, February 3, 2011


This has been the best/strangest/oddest day I have had in some time.   So much has happened, and so much more can come from it.  A lot I can't speak about yet, one day though, I hope.  What I will talk about was how I felt.  I was so hesitant to try Dexedrine, to try any ADHD medications for that matter, and I'm still not sure exactly what to think.  It wasn't bad, but it was certainly different.  I will try to explain, but I warn you this could end up making no sense!

I felt like the space in my head GREW!  All those little (and some big) thoughts that would slip from my mind before I could deal with them, were there.  All the tasks that I needed to accomplish at any given time, again they were there.  I actually managed to get down to deal with laundry this morning, and deal with all the little things along the way without being sidetracked.  When I arrived back in the kitchen, laundry basket in hand, plus a myriad assortment of other things I needed, I was a bit in shock.  It didn't take me 4 trips to get it all, not even two.  One trip was all it took.  I know this might not seem huge to most people, but for me it was incredible!  I am always getting side tracked by little things, or the little things are forgotten.

The challenge is going to be re-learning how to process all these thoughts, my brain isn't used to working this way.

Energy.  I had more energy than I have had since... well... teen age years?!?!?!  I'm sure that's not true, but it has been some time since I have not only had energy to spare, but the drive to get things done.  I wanted to accomplish things, it felt like a need to me.  It's not to say things didn't distract me, but I was amazed at how easily and quickly I could get myself back on track.

This is not to say it was perfect and easy.  With all those thoughts staying in my head, it felt a bit crowded.  The only way to describe it was a headache, without the pain.  This is where time will help, time to let my brain learn how to file and process all the extras that are sticking around.

I ended up taking 10 mg at 7:45 am, and another 10 mg at 1:00 pm.  I will continue with this for the next week, and see how I'm feeling, how I'm coping.  I may not always take a dose in the afternoon, as there are going to be days that I just want to hang with the boys.

This is a journey that I never expected to be on, but I am finding that those have become the best parts of my life.  I found love (so unexpectedly) when I wasn't looking.  I have been given the chance at making my own future.  This may just be another journey that I need to take, that will bring me great rewards.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


So much is happening, so much that I want to happen... it's not always easy remembering what I need to do!  Tomorrow is a day that could help make my life so much easier.  It's not something I really want to do, but something that I at least must try.

With Monkey having recently been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, and Oppositional Defiance Disorder, life around here has changed.  But nearly as much as it should be.  I've come to the realization that he gets a lot of this from me.  The more I read & see, the more I see myself in him... big time.

He needs help, and so do I.  So I will start taking Dexedrine tomorrow morning to see if it can help me, help him.  I'm nervous, I'm scared, but I also know this is something I have to do.  Not only could it help Monkey (by helping me), it could help me bring my own dreams to reality.