Things that I Love....

Here is a few things that I love, and the reason I will come through this craptacular event in my life happier and more fulfilled.

• Hugs from Little Man at bedtime, which just started tonight. I love how he reaches for me, and then pats my back.
• Monkey not letting me go anywhere without a big hug and kiss. He gets upset if I try to go without those two things.
• Snuggles from Bug, that boy sure loves to snuggle... I only wish his elbows and knees could somehow not involve themselves LOL.
• I love you competition with Monkey. Lately he has started telling me that he loves me more than the whole earth, said with such a serious little face.
• I love that Bug will keep asking for another hug and kiss at bedtime, even after a half dozen!
• The shouts of 'Mama, Mama, you're back!' when I come back after stepping out for a bit, along with the hugs and kisses.
• The quiet moments when Monkey or Bug tell me things.
• How helpful Monkey can be when he is in the mood.
• I even love the midnight visits, it's nice to have a snuggle during the night.
• The feeling of joy and pride I have for my incredible boys.

No matter what their father has done to me, he has at least given me the best reason to make a better life for myself.... our children. I want them to still have a happy home, a fulfilled home, a loving home.... and for that to happen, I need to be those things as well. One day it will all come together, soon I'm sure.

Strength

It's a strange feeling when your counselors keep asking you how you are able to deal with such stressful situations so well?!? I was point blank asked on Friday where I got the knowledge to know that his affair is not my fault in any way! You would think you go to counselors to help you come to that conclusion, not have them wonder how you already had the strength to get there yourself.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing... just very, very strange.

It also seems strange to have other Mom's tell me that I am an inspiration. I really don't feel that I am, I just feel like I am doing the best that I can given the crap situation that I have been dealt with. It also makes me feel like I need to find a way to help other women in this situation, but I have no idea how to go about it. Maybe one day the right opportunity will come along to show me what I can do.

Today was a better day for me, I had a wonderful counseling session this morning. This really helped me see where I am. It also showed me that I am moving in the right direction, and that by continuing on this present path I will come to a good place. A place that I can heal properly, and come out the other side healthier, and happier. Let's just hope it comes sooner rather than later.

I was chatting with a male friend from high school last night, and he helped remind me that I do have power. I was, and am (although I know many would disagree with this), a rather shy person, but he believes that I have always had power when it comes to men. I think he's right, I've never felt odd or out of place when dating or flirting. I don't feel this power when I am in a room full of women I have never met... just not as comfortable. When I am ready to date again, I want to remember what he said. I am not powerless!

It's all too real now...

Things became a little too real for me yesterday. He had spent the last few days removing all his office stuff, as well as clothes, and some personal items. Thursday night I came to the realization that my wonderful, incredible boys, were going to have their parents in the same house at night for the last time.... how incredibly sad I am for them.

She also arrived for their little vacation yesterday, now that is something that is incredibly hard to swallow. All Winter I was looking forward to camping, hiking, and spending days outdoors with him and our boys. That is not to be now, it will now be me and the boys spending time together doing those things... and we will be doing them!!!

This is were things get strange and odd for me. He is moving to England next weekend, for at least 2 months??!!?!?! I'm still trying to totally wrap my head around this one. In some ways it is good, for me at least. I now have at least two months without having to see him, or worry about seeing him at all.

No movement on this house, but none on the one I want. So keep those prayers coming my way!

How am I supposed to do this???

Can someone tell me how I am just supposed to 'Get over this'???? He seems to think that I should just somehow put aside my feelings.... how can I when they are still so new! He has had months to adjust his thinking in regards to me, I have had just a little over a month, that is not nearly long enough.

I just don't get it, I don't think I ever will. I don't know how to move forward with my life. I am angry that my life was changed so drastically by someone else, I am angry that I now have to deal with this... and above all, I am hurt beyond anything I ever thought possible by what has happened. How do I stop loving him, how do I stop the pain from overwhelming me at times.

How can anyone expect me to just get over this amount of pain in just a few weeks. That is something I don't think I will ever understand.

Not much longer!

So, Little Man would appear to be getting those lovely 2 year molars that all Mother's dread. The last few nights he has been awful getting to sleep at night, as well as waking multiple times throughout the night. Add this to his lovely 5:30am wake up time, and I am not necessarily the happiest Mama on the block... but at least I know it will be over soon!

This coming Friday I will have the house to myself (well, the boys will be here of course), for good! It is a strange feeling, but also freeing. This will be my time to start healing, although I suspect I won't be able to heal completely until I can get into my own house. At least it will be a chance for the process to start.

Hmmm... where did those thought go???

So, I was working out on my elliptical, and I had my thoughts all organized for a post about how I am feeling and doing right now... well, it's gone LOL. I really can't remember what it was I wanted to say now, if that isn't a sign of a traumatized brain, I don't know what is.

I am doing well, it's been a few days since I have cried. I know there are still many bad days ahead of me, but I am doing my best to enjoy the decent ones for now. I am actually feeling positive about where I am going, and how I will get there. I am closer to my goal weight right now than I have been in almost 9 years, which is an incredible feeling. Another few months and I will look as good as I did when I got married almost 13 years ago. This weight loss isn't being done for him, it is 100% for me. I never thought exercise would feel so good, and I am happy that I am taking much better care of myself than I have in a very long time. I plan to enjoy an active life with my boys.

Oh, this is part of what I wanted to write about LOL. I am coming to realize that I may not find someone else to spend my life with, and I am getting a little better at dealing with that thought. I'm sure there could be someone else out there for me, but the big obstacle for me will be 'Trust'. I have just had my trust shattered by someone I trusted implicitly, and completely. The road to recovering from that is going to be long, and hard. It will take me a long time to learn how to trust someone enough to place a part of my heart in theirs.... I'm not sure I could handle another heart break like this one again. It is somewhat scary to think that I could be alone for the rest of my life.....

Things just moving along

I wouldn't say things are great, but they are moving along. I am finding ways to keep myself grounded, and not spiral down into depression... which concerns me greatly. I have many, many good friends who are all supporting me during this time, listening to me rant, cry, and anything else that I say. Exercise is also playing an important role for me, it feels incredibly good to workout each and every night. It is also a great feeling seeing the results from all that hard work.

I am changing my life, for the better as well. I have only watched TV twice since this all started May 18th, just not something that I am interested in. When I am more settled I may watch some shows while I iron, or get other work done, but that is still some time away. I feel that once he is out of the house I will be able to do the other things that I plan on accomplishing, but right now, I just don't want to do them while he is here. These things I want to do are for me, and me only.

I'm not sure what else will change, only time will bring those things about, but I cannot keep living my life the way I have for the last few years. I am important, I do matter, and I cannot put myself on the back burner any longer. This is my life, and I will strive to make it a good and fulfilling one.

Girl Time

I had a wonderful night out with some friends last night... Thank you L!!! It was great to laugh, joke, and just have a very good time. It was also nice to dress up a bit, and wear some make-up. This is something that I will have to make sure is much more a part of my life, which up until recently was I think a little too focused on the children, and my 'hubby'. One chapter of this new journey of my life is going to be rediscovering myself, who I am, what I want. It is a part of which I am very excited about.

I am still hoping like crazy that I can get the house in Cochrane that I want, it just felt like a place I could heal in. We still have interest in this house, I can only pray that someone will put an offer in that is acceptable. So, I am sending this request out to the Universe, to please grant me this healing place, a home for me and my children.

Balancing again.

I just want to say a great big Thank You to everyone for their well wishes, and thoughts.. without this I'm not sure how easy I would find this. This morning was bad, I'm not going to lie. If I could have, I would have crawled into bed, pulled the covers up, and denied reality in. Of course I can't do this with the boys, but I really wish I could have done it.

As the day wore on, I slowly felt my strength and balance return. In large part to so many different wonderful women that I know, reminding me how strong I am.
Here is to a better day tomorrow.

Work in progress

Just like my life right now, this blog is a work in progress. I'm sure it will take me a few days to sort it all out, so please bare with me until then.

Thank you!!!!