Thursday, December 23, 2010

Domain was lost :(

I lost my domain yesterday, it sucks that it happened, but in some ways I think it was a good thing.  I bought 3travelingboys when I was still with my ex, and it went with the dreams that he brought to our marriage.  Those dreams are of course long gone, new and better ones have replaced them.

Onto my the issue at hand, what on earth should my new domain be???

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


I have all these ideas and plans for my future... but I seem to be stuck on how to start?!  I just can't decide exactly what I should be doing in a few years when I need to re-enter the work force.  By the time I start sending out resumes, I will have been unemployed for 9 and a half years!  That is a seriously long time.  It essentially means that I will be starting all over again when I am close to 40.... that sucks!  Now, I would not give up these years with my children for anything, and I know it's been so good for them to have me here.  But, it's also somewhat draining to have to put myself on the back burner for such a long time.

Considering I don't want to commute to the city, my job choices will be limited.  I would prefer to find something that I can do from home, but again I'm stuck with how and what to start.  I have a week away from the boys after Christmas, a week where I can really sit down and decide what I should concentrate on.  Who knows, maybe I can do both of my 'ideas'...

Monday, December 6, 2010

Scared by my grocery list!

I'm sitting here tonight compiling my grocery list, and I fully admit it's scaring me a bit right now!  Tomorrow marks 10% Tuesday around here (first Tuesday of each month), so I'm planning to make the best of the deal.  I'm hosting the feast Christmas day this year, figure it would be easier for the boys to be home with all their new toys.  It's not a complicated meal, but it does take some planning.  I'm trying to think of all the things I will need for the rest of the month, that I can get and store now.

I've been watching my money much more carefully this month, as well as marking down what I spend.  I'm not going the cash envelope method, but using an app for my iPhone to track what I spend in each category.  It's helping me keep from spending money on things I don't need.  Of course I'm only 6 days into the month, but so far it's looking promising.  Next month the savings will be better with no gifts to purchase.

Will be nice to see a nice balance back in savings again!

Slacking again

I've been slacking on blogging so much this year... it's been getting harder to verbalize my feelings.  Life has dealt me a few giant curve balls, but I'm doing my best to work through them.  I've also had some wonderful and incredible things happen over the last few months.  The best has been finding my old best friends from high school, and to find him so happy has been wonderful!  J and I were inseparable for 2 years, he was my go to guy.  I loved him like a brother, and was devastated when life came between us.

My life in many ways is coming full circle for me.  Last year I reconnected with P, and that has gone so much better than I ever thought possible.  I am leaving my heart in his hands, and trust him to take care of it.  C has stood by me since all the crap with my ex happened, she has been a true friend, confidant, and someone to let loose with as well.  And now J has come back to be my friend and confidant.  His husband is also turning into another wonderful and true friend.  The crazy part of these relationships, is that they all ended around 18 years ago when I left high school!  Yet, since my marriage ended, I have somehow found them again.

The powers that be have blessed me so much.  They may have let me go through some truly heart wrenching moments with my ex, but they have given me so much more in return.  When my ex came home from his business trip back in May 09, and informed me our marriage was over... I could not see how much of a blessing this would be!  I knew my life with him was over, but it was so hard to see how much more wonderful my life would be without him.  Does this mean I forgive him for his affair??  No, but I do my best to not let it affect my life now.

My journey to finding myself will continue for many years to come, heck, it will continue till the day I die.  But, it's a journey that I am slowly learning to take with my eyes open, and facing it head on.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

How could I have forgotten???

I HATE painting!  I have now spent my entire day working on painting my office/sewing room, and the TV/Play room... it's 3:30am, and I'm exhausted.  The worst part is that I will be doing it all over again tomorrow.  I'll also need to have it all cleaned up before the boys come home. I know this needed to get done, but I really think I must be out of my mind for doing it... even if it looks so much better already.r

Sunday, November 7, 2010

What do I do with tomorrow?

I had really hoped I wouldn't be married by this point, but well here I am... tomorrow will mark 14 years of Marriage to C.  It also marks one year that C moved back to Canada with his girlfriend/mistress.  Yes, that is correct, my 'husband' moved his girlfriend to this country on our 13th wedding anniversary... talk about a slap in the face!  I think the only way to look at this, is to see just how far I have come since our marriage ended... or should I say he ended it when he had his affair.

I am happier, I smile and laugh more than I had for years.  I don't miss out on doing things because I am either waiting for him to get home from a trip, or because I'm worried he wouldn't approve.  I have made mistakes during this time, but they were mine.  I have learned to love again, even if there is more caution involved in that.  I found friends where I didn't know I had them, and unfortunately I've also lost friends as well.  I've learned that I can handle more than I thought humanely possible, that I am stronger than anyone realized.

I believe the biggest things I have learned in this time, is to not worry about what other people think.  I am my own person, with my own ideas.  If there is something I want, I can and will get it.  I am a wonderful person, well worth loving.  My soon to be ex husband never really knew me, I don't think he ever wanted to.  He has missed out on knowing a wonderful person.

I look forward to my future, whatever it might hold.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Dreams of Beaches!

It's time for me to plan a little vacation... just for me!  I am going to talk to my ex about taking the boys for a week in April, right after my Birthday.  I want to sit myself on a beach, dig my toes into the sand, listen to the ocean, and bask in the sunshine.  I recently found some money that was hiding (accidental double payment of property tax), that I'll be getting in the next month... so, money I didn't know was missing is perfect for a little trip to mexico!

Now to just decide where exactly I go?  I've been to Mazatlan 3 times, and of course there are memories of my ex there.  I want to stick with the West coast, so maybe Puerta Vallarata.  I'm not looking to Party, but I also don't want to be stuck on some resort in the middle of no where.  I want to explore, shop, and wander. I do hope that P can join me, but will go no matter what.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

I swear I see the light!!!

At the end of the tunnel that is!  My house is finally coming together, it's just a matter of actually cleaning now.  I can't tell you how good it feels to finally feel on top of things around here again.  I can also see using my newly revamped office/sewing space now, it just never felt welcoming before.  I also have a plan for getting all the craft stuff for the boys out of my eating area!  It will be nice to let them work on some crafts without having my table over run.  I hate the rush of clean up when we need to sit down and eat, and just hated seeing the mess that it would leave.

Another day and I will be much happier... the fact that I get a nice weekend with P is helping my outlook too ;)  Also highly anticipating attending James & Anthony's Halloween bash Saturday night... Actually looking forward to wearing fake blood!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Making Progress

Had myself a wonderful child free night, slept all by myself... bliss, total bliss!  Still working on my cold, but it's not taking over at least.  I also managed to get a good chunk of the junk out of my house!  Got all the recycling (and there was a lot) sorted and out, also managed to get down to the bottle depot... that wasn't so great, only $13.85.  Have a bunch of stuff set for goodwill as well.   Feels really good to get this stuff sorted out and out the door.

Thanks to my Mom's help, I also have a plan for organizing my sewing/desk area.  I hope to set it up in the next few days and see how it goes.

I'm getting really excited for Halloween this weekend!  I'm all set for my School Girl Zombie costume, just need to rip and bloody them up a bit.

Sunday, October 24, 2010


I know my life isn't in a shambles anymore, but somedays it certainly feels that way.  The last few weeks I have felt out of sorts, lost my energy to get things done.  Of course the more I let things go, the worse the feeling gets... vicious little cycle.

I need someone to come and kick my ass to get going again.  Wonder what it will take to get things going again.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

It's that time again

Budget, budget, budget!

I'm not poor, but I do know that I could manage my money better.  So, this weekend will be the perfect time to work on my budget.  I'm thinking I will look at setting up envelopes with the cash I need for groceries and other odds and ends throughout the month.  I really need to watch my money much more closely.  I want to show my boys how to manage money properly, how to save well.  I want to set a good example for them!

Wish me luck, this is something I've always struggled with following through on... but it's something that I just have to do!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


We all struggle with different things, at different times in our lives.  A big struggle for me is 'Being Present'.  I constantly find myself wondering about the 'what if's', 'should I's' or 'shouldn't I's'.  It can be extremely draining doing this day in and day out.  I need to take a day, and just let myself be without the worries and wondering.  I need to take a day away from the computer, the TV, cell phone, and from all that distracts me from being in my life.

There is so much I want to do, to accomplish, to try... but if all I do is think about them, and worry about doing them... it's not going to happen!

I have made so many goals, both short and long term, in my life that I have not followed through with.  Why?  Because I'm scared?  Because I over analyze?  I wish I knew, but I do know I'm getting really tired of sitting around and waiting!

How can I do this?  Anyone out there have thoughts on how I can do this?

Monday, October 11, 2010

Thank You

Today is the day we celebrate all that we are thankful for, remembering and cherishing.

My list is pretty simple, but of course unique to who I am.

I am Thankful for my wonderful and incredible boys.  I have the privilege of watching them grow and learn each and every day.  I cherish the innocence they see the world with, and the love they show.

I am Thankful to have been given this new chance at life.  Just a few years ago, I knew I was in a rut, but had no idea how to get myself out of it.  I never realized that the rut was my marriage, and that shedding it would wake me up to a world of possibilities.  I am doing what I can to not take this life for granted, and to find as much joy in it as I can.

I am Thankful for a handful of wonderful, awesome friends.  Without their love and support, and a lot of listening and understand, I would not be where I am today.  They helped keep me sane when my world was falling down around me, they helped me remember that my boys were what mattered... I could get through anything with them surrounding me.

I am Thankful for Love.  I have fallen in love again, unbidden and so surprising.  I really did not expect to be here at this point in my journey, but I am.  He has shown me more compassion, caring and need than I had seen in more years than I care to think about.  He has helped to awaken the person I was starting to become when I met my ex, the person I repressed for all those years.  He, I think, has enjoyed watching me grow as much as I have relished each and every step.

I am Thankful to whatever God/Deity is out there watching over us.  I have spent most of my life questioning my spiritual path, and am finally realizing that I don't need to fight anymore.  I do believe there is a God, but I don't believe he is the God found in the Bible.  I'm not sure I can fully explain what I believe, I think that will be a post for another night.

I wish everyone out there could find their way through whatever sorrows they have, to see what a treasure our lives really are.  We all have the potential to be happy.

Saturday, October 9, 2010


My face reflected in the mirror.
The lines etched in my skin.
Showing all the worry and strain I carry with me.
I see loneliness.
I am afraid of that.
This life I lead is not what I hoped for.
Loneliness pervades
seeps in.
Love is waiting inside
bursting to come forth.
Craving touch
All around me the world keeps moving.

       Leaving me jostled and bruised.
Skin against skin
bringing warmth

A reflection of possibilities
      if but I can reach them.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

It's time to shake my life up again!  Nothing crazy, just need to make some adjustments.  I don't want to become complacent and find myself doing the same things in another year.  I want to keep growing.  I've come so far since last year, and I don't want to stop now.

I'm just a little stuck as to what I should do.

I want to set some goals in place.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Poor neglected blog :(

It has been some time since I have updated my blog, it's been hard getting back into routines after such an enjoyable summer.  The boys and I did a total of 4.5 weeks worth of camping!!  Between the trailer, travel costs and camp sites, my savings were rather depleted... but there is no way I can complain!  We had just way too much fun, and it was money well spent.  In preparation for next year, the boys and I have sat down and talked about saving money each month.  We have talked about how I will not be spending as much money on 'things', so that we can get as much (if not more) camping done next year.  We have also set up a jar for saving towards 4 iPads.  The boys did do incredibly well on those long drives we took, but they did get bored.  I think the iPads would be an excellent alternative to getting a DVD system for the van, as they could do so much more than just watch a movie.  So, they have agreed that there will be no big presents for birthdays or holidays, and we will make as many of them as we can.  I'm pretty proud that they are going along with this so easily.  I want them to learn about saving for things, and making sacrifices for something that you really want.

New things in our lives...  Monkey started Grade 1, and is so far thriving!  After all the struggles last year, he is doing amazingly well so far.  Bug started at a 5 morning montessori this year, and is so far enjoying it thoroughly.  Little Man had his first day of pre-school last week, can't believe he is old enough to start school!  He will attend Tuesday's and Thursday's, which also means I get those two mornings child free!  The best part of him starting school, is he is now potty trained... so other than overnights, this is now a diaper free household!  I no longer need to carry a diaper bag around!

As for myself, I got another piercing!  It has only been 2 days, so it is still healing, but so far so good.  Curious as to what I got done???  Well, it's my tongue!  I have a lovely purple barbell smack dab in the middle of my tongue lol.  I have wanted to get my tongue pierced for over 14 years, can remember being so jealous when my friend Erin got hers done.  We had planned to get it done together, but I knew then that my fiance (now my ex) didn't like them... so silly me didn't get it done.  Really wish I would have just done what I wanted to do.  But, it is done now!  My tongue was really swollen yesterday, but it is down considerable today.  Hopefully by Monday it will be back to normal, and on it's way to healing nicely.  I almost didn't get it done, but only because I also want a labret piercing as well.  It was a tough decision.  As long as my tongue heals well, I will consider getting a labret done next month.  While I was in, I booked the touch up appointment for my pheonix, so in a few weeks it will be done as well.

Other news.  I have a set schedule with my ex!!  It feels so good knowing what weekends, and the few weeknights, that he will have the boys.  He tried to not do this, saying his usual crap of how he doesn't plan things.  Ummm, it's not all about him anymore!  The boys, and I, would both greatly benefit from a schedule.  Yes, I understand he travels for work, but it's much easier to adjust the schedule that is in place for those occurrences, then to always wonder when he will take the boys.  I was also tired of being the one to contact him as to when he wanted the boys.  It is no longer my 'job' to schedule his life, no longer my 'job' to keep track of his life.  We also came to an agreement about the settlement, which hopefully we will be signing this month... which means I am so much closer to finally being divorced!

One other things, I got my hair cut really short (really short for me lol)!  I absolutely love it!  I've never had it this short, but it's amazing just how well it suits me.  I am feeling so incredibly good about myself, my 30's are going to be some of the best years of my life!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Simplicity!  That is what I need to strive for in my daily life.  The boys and I just got back from our last big camping trip of the season (Lake Louise), and I miss the simplicity of camping already.  The house and the yard are already stressing me out.  I have so much to get done before fall sets in, and that could easily be within a few weeks here!  I could get lucky and have till October to get most of the yard work dealt with, but I won't count on that.  I want the yard all ready for spring, so that we can get it planted and ready to go... then find someone to water and mow while we head out camping again!

So, for this simplicity that I am going to strive for.  I need to cut any and all extra's for a while, no shopping that isn't strictly necessary... it's not like I really need anything else right now.  I have clothes, the boys have clothes, I have everything I could possibly need!  Saving is going to be a huge goal this winter, for many different things.  Need to save for the trailer, have some improvements that I want to do next year, as well as camping fees!  I would also like to save for some iPad's for me and the boys, would be a great item for all the driving we are planning to do.  I also want to save for all the tattoo's and piercings I want to get, they aren't cheap!  And then of course to just have a nice a buffer in the bank, mine was depleted a fair bit with all of our camping and trailer needs.

School for the boys starts back up in a few weeks, which will allow me to get us all back on a good schedule.  Makes things much easier when we all know what is going on and when.  I'm looking forward to getting back to my running, I miss it!  It's such a good stress relief too!

I hope to update my blog more now that I am home, but for right now... the house calls!!!

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Heading back out tomorrow!!!

This tent trailer (while somewhat expensive) has been the best purchase I have ever made!  We had an absolute blast out in Kelowna, and will be going back every year from now on.  The boys made so many friends, many of whom go the same week every year.  I also met some many wonderful people while out there, already planning out next years trip.

Tomorrow we are heading out Salmon Arm, to join some friends of mine.  I am so looking forward to the warmth and sunshine again.  The boys love camping, and so do I.  Winters will now be spent getting ready for the next summer!

Here's a few pictures from our trip out to Kelowna.

Friday, July 16, 2010

I Love Kelowna!!!

All this warmth and sunshine has just been heavenly! I feel myself relaxing (as much as I can with my boys around) more every day. There is just so much to do and see, and of course days to just hang out at the lake playing in the sand. Being near the lake does make me nervous, since my boys are not great swimmers, but that is being addressed with swimming lessons. I'm already thinking we should come back next year for a week or two, by then Monkey and Bug should be decent swimmers, and Little Man well on his way.

I am hoping I might have a chance to come back here on my own this summer. Even 5 days out here to just de-stress, enjoy the warmth, the lakes, and of course visit the wineries, would be a truly great personal holiday.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

So far so good!

I have made it out to Kelowna, BC with the boys and trailer, all in one piece! The drive was longer than I would have liked, but with hauling The Puppy (that us what the boys have nicknamed the trailer), and a lot of road construction, there wasn't much to do but take it slow. The boys handled the drive really well, we left at 7 am, and didn't get to this spot till almost 6pm! We did of course make numerous stops, but i am just so darn proud of my boys

Found a fairly decent campground here, still not sure just how long I will stay, just wait and see what happens. The site is not ideal, but not the worst I've seen, and the location certainly makes up for that. From here we can easily explore most of the okanagan, without having to drive too far.

It's been a long day for not only me, butthe boys... Handled so much better than I even dreamed. Boys are now asleep, so it's now time for me to crash as well.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

A slew of posts!

I am questioning my decision already!!!  This is not good... I need something to occupy my evenings, something to look forward to.  Housework just doesn't have the appeal, same with sewing or crafts... but something needs to happen to keep me from going crazy!

Exercise... I need to get back to nightly exercise!  I am heading out camping Wednesday with my boys, so it won't be an easy thing to work into my evenings... but when I'm back, I need to make it my priority.  I need to kick my body back into the shape it was last fall, and kick it up a notch from there!!  Nothing like endorphins to pull me out of these thoughts, this little low I am feeling.

Oh, I'm also thinking I should start setting aside some money for my next few tattoo's... that would certainly make me happy!

Monday, July 12, 2010

Life always moves forward...

It hurts, it sucks!  Doing what is best for yourself is not always easy, especially if coasting along is an option.  I could have just coasted and kept things as they were, but the pain at the end would have been so much worse than it is now, so much more intense.  I know it was the wise move to finish it now, but it hurts...

I only hope that I can get past this aspect of things, and continue on with a wonderful friendship one day.  I need to step back, to get myself back into my own rhythm... not worrying about someone else's.  I really need to find out just who I am, before embarking in any further relationships... who knows, maybe I will find that what I had was all I needed... but not knowing if there is anything more sure, concrete, or permanent out there, means that I just don't know yet.


“Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option”

This... this is what I need to always remember!  If the person I am making a priority in my life is not doing the same, I am short changing myself.  I am worth being someone's priority, and I should not settle for less.

As easy as this sounds, it's really not.  When you are testing the waters of relationships again, it can be very easy to fall for someone who either won't, or can't, put forth the same effort or commitment.  And of course once your heart is involved, whether or not that feeling is reciprocated, you can easily forget about the little things that bug you.

I think I am in that position right now, and it really sucks that I've let it happen.

Trying to find someone for myself, while still taking care of my 3 boys, is so much more work than I would like.  For my sake (and the boys), this side of my life needs to be kept somewhat separate.    Which just means another complication for my life, among the many I already have.  For my own sanity I should just really take a break from worrying or thinking about finding 'that one' for the rest of the summer, so many other things I should be concentrating on.  Again, not so easy to do.

Sigh, no one wants to be alone...

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Always that balance...

It's amazing how trying to find a balance in life can be so difficult, even with the basic things.  This weekend finally produced some nice weather here, allowing me to get into the garden and plant things.  I did get a lot of work done, seeds planted, bedding plants in, lawn mowed, weeds pulled... you get the idea. As positive and good as it was to get this done (and trust me, I have a lot more to do!), there was a downside.  My house.  The laundry has piled up, the floors unswept, the counters full, the toys laying around... again, you get the idea.  After a full day of working outside, I am not really up to getting the housework done tonight... just going to have to wait.

Another thing I did get some work on was the tent trailer!  Got most things pulled out of it (the lady I bought it from left all her camping stuff in it, as she will no longer be camping), and am in the process of washing the blankets and towels that I found.  I now just need to get it loaded up with our things so that we can head out in a few weeks, also need to figure out where we are going too!  I would really like to head back to Lake Louise for our first foray, as it's close enough that if there are any problems, we can be home quickly.  After that trip, I want to take the boys into the okanagan, they will love it out there!

Now onto how I'm doing these days.  It's been a hard week, I won't lie, it hasn't been great.  I feel overwhelmed, and tired.  The boys have been pushing, the housework never ends, the yard needs work... and I really wonder how I am supposed to get it all done?  There is so much work, work that is normally done by two people.  I know that I can do it, barely, but it stresses me.  Then I worry that I will enter into a relationship with someone just to get that help.  That scares me, scares me very much!  I need to know that I can do it all, before I can enter into a serious relationship... I don't want that need of help to colour how I see someone.  I want someone to love me, need me... not to 'take care of' in that sense.  I need to be stable in this new life of mine before bringing someone else in.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Wonderful start to June.

I always forget just how much I love dancing, until I get out and actually dance!  Friday night was a blast!  Danced like a crazy lady, got all hot and sweaty, closed the bar down.  It has been years since I last danced that hard, I suspect the last time I danced that hard was before I got married... holy crap!  I went out with the intention of not getting picked up, which wasn't easy... there was a number of guy's trying very, very hard... but all I really wanted to do was enjoy myself and dance!

I had my hair chopped off that afternoon, and am so happy that I did!  I'm thinking I will go a bit shorter next time, but overall I'm extremely happy with it.  I've never had quite this much fun with my hair, or tried something so different... it was time to change it up, my hair style (which I did love) just wasn't keeping up with who I am becoming these days.

And here it is...

Today I added to my collection of tattoo's.  It was a great deal at Tiki Town.  Donate a minimum of $50 to cure cancer, and get a 30 minute tattoo!  There was no way I could say no to this, such a wonderful cause!  A number of the artists working today are also going to be doing the Ride to Conquer Cancer.  I ended up getting Mitch, who is the artist who did my Pheonix and my wrists.  I was joined by two friends, who also got something added to their collection.  I had this lotus flower placed on my right inside forearm, and am really happy with how it turned out.

There is only one slight drawback to my wonderful weekend, I need to replace my DVD player.  It would appear the kids have played with it too much, and it no longer wants to work properly.  My guess is that Little Man did something, he is my destructive child after all.  Not sure quite why my boys think I'm made of money, but they are certainly causing me much grief these days!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Fun times ahead!

Going to be quite the packed weekend!  New hair style tomorrow, a good 5-6 inches being taken off!  Then of course drinking and dancing to show off my new sassy hair, really looking forward to the dancing, it's been way too long!  Saturday will see me stretching and twisting into some Yoga poses.  I recently started Hot Yoga, and this saturday is a boot camp.  This will give me some one on one time to really get into the poses properly.  Going to be a fairly intense 3 hours though!

Sunday will be another tattoo for me!  Tiki Town is doing a fundraiser for the Ride to Cure Cancer, and it really doesn't take much to convince me to get more lol.  I am planning on a lotus flower on my right inner forearm, a few inches below 'Embrace Love' that I got a few months ago.  Although I am somewhat tempted to get it on my neck, but not sure I'm ready for any there right now.

This past week has had many ups and downs for me, been a bit of a bumpy ride.  The yoga classes and my running are good for me as always, but for a short time after I find I'm a little short tempered.  The only reason I can think of is that I am feeling so good, so refreshed after my workout, that the kids demands/fighting just brings me down to fast and too hard.  I love how I feel after I work out, relaxed, calm and so much more comfortable in my skin.  I love my boys more than I could ever verbalize, but they know how to push my buttons... too well.  Hopefully in the coming weeks and months I can learn to keep that calm after my workouts longer... have it last further than the initial after glow.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Hopes & Dreams

It has now been over a year that I have been on my own, a year that I have grown more into myself than during my marriage, a year that I have learned just how strong I am.  There have been many hard days, days that I wondered if I could really make it through this, but those 'days' have gotten fewer and further apart.  My boys well being and happiness have been one of the biggest things to pull me through those difficult days, especially the need to help them through this very difficult time.

But now that we are on more of an even keel, it is really time to start looking to the future... and especially my hopes and dreams for our future.  The basics are of course there.  To continue to help my boys through all stages of their childhood.  To keep my life balanced.  To keep finding out who I am, and continue growing into the confidence that life will lead me down the right paths.  Figuring out what career path will work best for myself and the boys.  Learning that I don't need someone else in my life to complete, but to compliment it.

I am truly looking forward to camping with my boys this summer, those long summer evenings with no TV or other distractions to keep me occupied, should leave me with plenty of time to figure out what I want for my future, for my boys future.  Time to look inside myself and find peace within my life, my body and my soul.

That last is the hardest for me, the one I wonder about all the time.  I find it extremely hard to 'imagine' anyone else living in this house, spending time with my boys.  In some ways I crave that closeness with someone, and yet at the same time I dread it.  I worry about how my boys will handle having someone else in their lives.  I worry about how that change would affect them, how it will affect me.  I worry about giving my heart to someone to take care of, to nurture, and not to shatter it like it has been before.

All aspects of my future rest solely in my hands, and I will find all that I desire and hope for if I remember that there is no obstacles that I cannot overcome.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Tattoo Crazy!

My latest tattoo is only a month old, and I already am getting anxious to get another one!  I've asked my Mom to come up with a design to represent her, something that I could have to always remember her.  I don't think she is too crazy about doing it, but I really hope she does.  It would mean a lot to me to have something of her like that permanently with me at all times.

I had my back piece (the one with the boys birthstones) lasered 2 weeks ago, and it looks like it will need at least one more laser session before it will be ready for the fix up.  I am getting very anxious to this done too, I want it complete.  I also must say the lasering is so much more painful than the actual tattoo, not something I really want to have to get done too often.

I am sort of leaning towards making the Phoenix on my left arm a sleeve, but a little unsure of just how it would all work out.  It will most likely be a few years before I consider that, as it will be fairly costly, and I have other pieces I want done first.  But it is there in the back of my mind.

I am also trying to figure out what piercings I want done as well.  I'm thinking of getting a fair number on the cartilage of my ears, as well as some labrets.  Biggest concern there is how my Mother will feel about them when I am working for her?!  If I one day buy her out of the store, than it will not be an issue, but of course it is her business right now, so her choice as to what is acceptable.

Thursday, May 20, 2010


It's now been 1 year and 2 days since the ex and I separated.... and yet I'm still married?!?!?!  What the hell?!?!?  I really had no intentions of being married to him when that magic number of 1 year came along, and yet here I am still married... kind of depressing.  I don't feel married, haven't felt married in more months than I can remember.  I do not love him, not even sure I can say I care for him in any way, he's just the father of my children... essentially someone I know.

Considering that he is living with the person he was having an affair with, it's not like either of us wants this farce to continue on any longer!

Hopefully it doesn't take too much longer to get this finished off!!!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Quotes to live by

"It's the soul's duty to be loyal to its own desires. It must abandon itself to its master passion." Rebecca West

"There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm." Will Cather

"I’m not going to die because I failed as someone else. I’m going to succeed as myself."  Margaret Cho

"I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time."  Anna Freud

"Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy." Norman Vincent Peale

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul.
And sings the tune
Without the words,
and never stops at all."

Emily Dickinson

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." Friedrich Nietzsche

Sunday, May 9, 2010

It has been some time since I last posted, nothing too crazy going on.  I really should start posting more, it feels good to get things out as they happen.  May 2nd was Monkey's birthday, my big boy turned 6 years old!  Time certainly goes fast, feels like such a short time ago that I first held my first born son.  Today being Mother's Day, really wasn't anything different then other days.  Yes, the boys made me things at school, but they are still too young to really treat me on this particular day... one day it will happen though.

I am very happy with my decision to not bother dating right now... There is someone I am seeing, and have been for many months now (casually).  I'm thinking it could be more than I had thought...

I'm doing well, things continue to improve for me.  I am coming up on one year of being a single Mom.  This is one day I'm not sure how to feel about, or how to mark either.  On one hand I want to celebrate, as I  haven't been this happy in years... my ex's affair and consequent betrayal has ended up being for the best, but, at the same time, it has also made life just that much harder for me.  I am now a single Mom, during the week I am on my own, with only the odd weekends as a break.  I have an even bigger respect for Mom's out there who do it with no help of any kind from the father of their children.  On the other hand, it was a day that my dreams and hope for the future was destroyed... the stable family my boys had was destroyed.  For my boys sake I hurt, through no fault of their of own their lives have been uprooted and changed.  I do what I can to let them know that their father and I love them, but I don't know if that is even close to enough to help them transition.

It is now time for to find my bed, which is of course occupied by my Little Man... he has been in my bed most nights for about a month now.  I find myself just too tired most nights to work on getting him back to his own bed.  It breaks my heart to hear him cry 'Mama's Bed, I want Mama's bed'.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Some changes

Well, after this joyful weekend, and all that ensued.... I am making some changes.  Other than spending time with my kids, I am just going to concentrate on working out!  I have some goals in mind, and I don't want anything to get in the way of reaching them.  All this dating, and what not, was really starting to stress me out!  Dating with 3 little boys at home is very, very difficult!  It's also compounded by the fact that I can't rely on the ex to actually take them when he is supposed to, which makes it rather difficult to make plans.  How are you supposed to get to know someone if you can only see them once or twice a month?!?!

I'm lucky that I have some incredible friends, that are there for me when I need them.  Without them in my life it would be so much harder navigating my way through everything.  I really wonder how I survived all those years married without them, how I possibly enjoyed my life with them missing?  I must remember at all times to keep them close to me from now on, they help me keep balanced.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Happy Freaking Birthday to Me!

Well, this is close to one of the worst birthdays I've had.  In some ways my fault, and in others, just the way things worked out.  The weather has sucked, crazy wet snow coming down in almost white out conditions.  This of course ruined my plans for the evening.  I also made a decision yesterday to stop trying to date, I just don't really have it in me right now.  I have worked so hard to get where I am, and I do still have a lot of work to do.  I also really don't want to ruin my progress by putting my happiness in someone else's domain.

I'm scared.

I'm scared of entering a relationship again, of putting my heart into someone else's hands.  And why shouldn't I be?  I had my heart broken by someone that I loved, who said he loved me too, yet he still broke my heart.  I'm also scared of putting my kids through another relationship, of bringing someone else into their lives.  I don't want to confuse them, they have so much to adjust to right now as it is.

There is someone that I would like to try having a relationship with...

So, here I sit alone, celebrating my 36th Birthday.  Don't feel sorry for me, being alone is something I do really need to get used to.  It's not really as bad as it sounds either, I would rather be alone right now then risk my sanity.  I still have a lot of improvements to make to myself, things I want to do.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Things 2...

Well, it has been an extremely busy week off of school!  I feel like I've really had little time to just enjoy things... except for Monday.  On that day I took the boys, along with my Mom, up to Banff for some walking around, as well as a chance to use the hot springs.  Which I won't be able to use for a few weeks because of my Tattoo.  The boys had a blast in the water, really need to make more time to go swimming with them once my tattoo is healed.  Monkey is getting very, very brave in the water.  It is such a nice change considering how scared he used to be, although it has it's draw backs as well.  I have to be extra vigilant keeping an eye on him.

My tattoo is healing, but is still very tender.  Putting a shirt on is uncomfortable, and sleeping isn't much better right now.  Another few days though and it should be much better.  Going to see about getting another session of lasering for my back next week, really want to get that finished off.  I don't want to get another tattoo until my back is done.  I will also need to chat with some artists about designing my next two as well.

I have a busy weekend off planned right now.  I'm heading out with a friend tonight for some drinking (not too much) and some dancing.  I will then be working for my Mom at her store Saturday, it's been many (at least 5) years since I have worked for her.  It will be interesting to see how that goes.  It's actually been that long since I last worked a job of any kind!  Scary!!!  I am then going on a date Saturday night, another scary thought!  I've been on a number since October, but it's still something that makes me nervous.  The joys of being single again!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Got it done!

Well, the new tattoo is done... ouch!  Took longer than I expected, 4 hours!  It was worth it though.  I didn't get the best pic of it afterwards, will have to wait till the bandage comes off in the morning before I take another one.  And here it is...

Friday, April 2, 2010

Tattoo time again!

I'm heading in to Tiki Town on Tuesday to get my next tattoo done... pretty excited, and a bit nervous too. I'm getting a Phoenix on my left arm, it will be about 8 inches long.

I will also be getting 'Embrace Love' put on the inside of my right wrist.  I somewhat nervous about all these tattoo's that will be so visible, but at the same time it feels right.  I am finally doing what feels right and I love that!

I'm also looking at buying a bike, a Honda Shadow to be exact.  There's one I'm very interested in, just need to figure out a time to look at it.  I have to take a friend who can ride with me, to test drive it.  I will then sign up for some lessons, and work hard to get my license.  I've been on the back of bikes since I was 12, had a scooter when I was 14, just never driven a motorcycle.  I was out for a ride last weekend with a friend, and it made me realize just how much I want to do this.

So many changes coming along for me, but they all feel so right... my life if finally moving forward.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Now that I'm dating again...

I found this article at CNN the other day, and it got me thinking about my own 'list'.  Here's the article.  For myself the 'big' items on my list are...

  • Honesty & openness
  • Acceptance of my boys, who will always be my priority
  • Accept me for who I am, not try to change or mold me
  • Communication, whether it's the big things or just some conversation
  • Confidence, but not conceit

These are the key things for me, the ones that must be found.  Looks are not really on the list, it's more about what attracts me to that person... and it's not always how someone looks.  To me confidence is what I find attractive, if you are confident about yourself, it shows.

I want to find someone to share my life with, my dreams and my passions.  They don't have to have the same dreams, but be willing to acknowledge mine, and help me work towards them.  I am always willing to help others work towards their dreams.  I want to find dreams that can be shared, pursued, and enjoyed together.  I really just want a partner in my life.

I'm sure it will take many years to find this 'person', but I could be lucky and meet them tomorrow... or who knows, they may already be in my life and I just don't know it yet.  This is just another journey for me, another aspect of finding me.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

New Tattoo

Well, last Friday I went for another tattoo.  It's a small one, just two words on my left inside wrist.

This tattoo is my reminder, a reminder that I can't run away from the pain in my life, but that I need to embrace it and move on.  I have gone through many kinds of pain in my life, and I have tried my best to work through it when I can.  I push through pain when I go for a run, I've gone through the pain of birthing my boys, I've survived the pain of my 'Husband' cheating and leaving me.  I have not walked away from this pain, I have embraced and worked through it.

Not all of the pain in my life has been by my choice, not all the pain has been wanted.  But, I will not allow it rule my life, I will not dwell in it.  I am thinking that I should have 'Embrace Love' put on the inside of my right wrist.  Another reminder for me to embrace Love when I find it, to not worry so much about the pain that may, or may not, come about.  Love and Pain are facts of life, embrace them.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Tattoo fix ups and new ones

I'm hoping to get another laser session done to my tattoo this coming weekend.  If I'm lucky it will be the last session, and then on to getting the colours done in the proper order.  I am also getting geared up for getting a few more that I have ideas for.

The big one will most likely wait until the summer or fall, it will start at my left hip, work across my back, and then come up my right shoulder.  That would be mine and the boys birth flowers, which are Daisy (mine), Lily of the Valley (Monkey), Carnation (Bug), and Chrysanthemum (Little Man).  I like the style of this one, and think it would work well for the mixing of flowers I would like to do.

I would also like to get a tree of life (still deciding on the styling) on my calf and ankle.  I would like the roots to come down along my foot (to remind me to stay grounded), and have the tree come up along the outside of my calf.  The last one (which I am highly tempted to get this weekend)  would be the words 'Embrace Pain' in japanese characters.  This one I'm not 100% sure where I want it.  When I think about it, I think of my right upper arm, but I'm just not positive!?  Along my right thigh/hip would be nice too.

All these things to think about!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Hitting my Stride.

This week has been good!  Not to say there aren't the usual ups and downs, that is just life, especially with 3 boys.  But, I feel better, more grounded, more relaxed.  I have made some changes this week, but nothing too major   I've finally started to exercise again, I'm getting better sleep, and I think I'm just learning how to relax.  I still have a long way to go, but it's nice to feel that I am making progress again.

I did get around to picking up some material last weekend, although still not organized enough during the day to actually sit down at the sewing machine.  I figure that after this week of hitting a bit of a stride, I should be good to start.  

I made so much progress moving my life forward this last summer, but the last few months have felt a little bit like limbo.  It's now time to push forward with life again.

Monday, February 22, 2010


Last night I heard those wonderful little words that every Mom waits to hear, from the Little Man... I wuv you Mama!!!  Oh, how my heart just melted.  After a weekend with them away, it was the perfect thing to help soothe my nerves.  Was even better to hear him repeat those same words throughout the day.

It was a big change this morning getting the kids up and ready for school.  With the last week off, and their weekend with their father, it was a struggle to get them out the door!  The fact that I had very little sleep, due to Little Man waking repeatadly, it has not been the best start to the week.

Even with the lack of sleep, I was able to get a run in at the track this morning, which I am paying for now!   Bug has soccer tomorrow morning, as well as speech, but as long as we all get some decent sleep tonight it should be fine.

Saturday, February 20, 2010


I'm pretty proud of myself today, did something that I haven't done in 20 years.  It was scary, and I will need to get out there more, but I did enjoy it!  I'm sure you are all waiting breathlessly to hear what it is I did...



I went downhill skiing!  I know it's not that all that exciting, but for me it was.  For me it was just another way of starting to live my life again.  I've been rather scared to hit the slopes all these years, scared of falling, scared of failing.  I've realized now of course that there is never a good enough reason to NOT do something!  I booked myself a lesson for first thing in the morning, which was a really helpful.  Not sure how well it would have gone without that help.  I then skied for another 3 hours, which was about as much as I could take.  Hopefully in a few weeks I will get another chance to hit the slopes.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Changes are a comin!

Working on changing the blog... going to take some time, get there soon.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Duck & Cover!

Ever have one of those days that everyone around you should duck and cover?  Well, today is that day for my kids, and anyone brave enough to come over.  I have woken up in a mood, a truly unpleasant mood.  Actually, I think this mood settled in yesterday, it's just now had time to fully blossom and reach it's full potential.  And just what is this mood you dare ask???

I am pissed off!  I am hurt.  I am angry.  I feel slighted.  I am furious.  I want to cry.  I want to inflict pain.  I want to run away.  I want to hide.

Are you wondering what has brought this mood on??  Are you really sure you want to know??  Even if you are brave enough to hang around me today, I couldn't really tell you where this mood came from.  I have some ideas, but nothing that really makes a lot of sense.

So, if you are looking for a good tongue lashing, or beating... come on over!

Friday, February 5, 2010


This is the life I have been dealt, I need to start living it.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

What shall I say??

Nothing too crazy is going on these days, just moving along as life usually does.  Slowly getting closer to getting the divorce finalized, which will be a wonderful day for me.  I've started the process of switching back to my maiden name, just going to take time to have all my ID and bills changed.

The closer that I get to having the divorced finalized, the more I think about my future.  I have over 4 years before all 3 boys will be in school full time, but I'm now wondering if I should still be just a stay at home Mom all that time?  I wonder just what options I do have, what options I should consider.  The thought though, of not being home with my boys, really does scare me.  I have spent the last 5.75 years home with my children... it's a truly scary proposition to think about working again.

The problem with finding a job right now, is how will I ever afford child care?  Not only that, but the available jobs here right now aren't exactly stellar.  Then again, what job would I be able to get being out of the workforce for so long.  The more I look at this problem, the more I feel I need to do some serious upgrading.  Which of course leads to the next question, what kind of upgrading???

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Thinking of summer.

First thing tomorrow morning, I am packing the boys up, driving into the city, and praying that I come home with all 3!

I am only sort of joking!  I am taking the boys to the RV show in the city, which is a pretty big thing for them.  They really enjoyed our camping trip last summer, and always ask when we will go camping again. As an extra special treat, I am going to use the C-Train to get to the show!!!  I'm not sure which aspect of the trip I fear the most.  Three boys on a train going through the city, or 3 boys running wild at a show with multiple places to hide (the trailers)?!  I am lucky that I will have some help there, friends with their two boys will be joining me for the craziness.

I am going to be looking at tent trailers, not with the intention to buy new, but to get more of an idea of what will work for me and the boys.  The one we rented this summer was adequate, but I would like to see if there are other features that would work better for us.  I do know that I want to have an 'add a room' on the side, just a little extra space for us when the weather is poor or the bugs especially hungry!  I also want to look at the battery options for running the furnace and fridge in the trailer, as well as solar chargers for them.

The boys are pretty stoked about this adventure, and I am too.  I would really like to spend as much of the summer months outdoors with them, away from the towns and cities.  The trailer could also be nice for me to enjoy when they are with their father.  I could pack up, and head out for my own little vacations.  Now to just make sure we survive the show!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Could be a long day...

Well, this morning has started off rather poorly.  Both Monkey & Bug are still in bed (8:45am), which is an oddity to say the least!  Monkey has been known to stay in bed till around 8 at times, but never later unless he is feeling unwell.  Bug on the other hand, is always awake by 7am, no matter how sick he is!  I'm pretty sure they just have the head cold that I have been fighting all week, just really poor timing for them to get it!  Might just have to pop over to the movie store and get some new movies and maybe a game or two to keep them happy this weekend.

As for me, I am on the mend, can breathe for the most part.  What is getting me is the crazy strange dreams I have been having lately!  One I will not discuss, it (most of them do) involved P, but I am so not ready to go that route just yet!  The last two nights have involved things that should be scaring me big time, but for some reason aren't?!?!  The first involved a horde of bugs invading a university campus that I was visiting, last night it was crazy half men/half bears that were attacking and eating people!?!?!  I just don't understand!

I'm little nervous about what strange dreams I will have tonight, having all the boys home for the entire day is always a little crazy... just need to breathe!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

A rambling week

This has been on of those week I wish would just end!  It all started off alright, had a good weekend.  Made it out Saturday night with a girlfriend for drinks and dancing, maybe a few too many drinks, but fun non the less.  Sunday was a bit of a challenge, with having a mild hangover around 3 happy little boys... ouch.  But, I survived no problem.

Monday was hard in the end.  I have been a part of many different bulletin boards over the years, but never stuck with any as I did with the January 2006 Birth Boards.  This is usually the first place I went for advice and comfort, the ladies there were always straight with me.  One of the more active members of that wonderful group of ladies passed away on Monday.  She was a vibrant, funny lady, you could feel her love for her children, husband, and family come through each one of her posts.  She was a mother to 3 boys, and one little girl, who was only 3 months old.  Her death is just so senseless.

Last Thursday she went in to have a tubal performed, something so many ladies get done.  She ended up passing away from Sepsis, due to a perforated bowel.  Something so simple, so easy, turned into something unbearable painful.  I ache for her children, I weep for her husband.  All I can do is send my most sincere and heartfelt sympathy... which feels so pathetically weak.  I can never understand the pain they are going through, and will go through for the rest of their lives.  All I can hope and pray for is that they find peace in their new lives.

With Anna's passing, I have spent the last 3 days in a rather subdued state, a lot of it crying.  It has not helped that I am sick with a head cold.  These two things combined do not help when dealing with 3 boys that want their mother's undivided attention.  Another blow to my already shaky life this week, was finding out that the local babysitting coop does not want to me to join.  Can you guess why?  The reason is because of my present divorce proceedings with my ex, they feel that I have too much going on to fully participate in this group.  Seriously???  Because of a life situation that I have no control over, I am being denied a group that could really help me???  I am rather upset by this.  Of course they tell me I can try again when things have settled down, but come on... when does life ever really settle down?!

Along with all this, I have been pondering a lot lately.  What am I really doing with my life, and what should I be doing.  With the Little Man so young still, I don't really want to work yet, but that time is coming closer every day.  What is it that I want to be doing one day?  And is it something that is attainable.  If it's not easily attainable, what should I settle for?  And then, what do I need to do now to be prepared. Of course, living in a small town does not help, the choices for work are limited here.  Yes, I do live close to the city, but don't really want to have to commute more than 30 minutes each way for a job that will take away even more time with my children.  Such a hard thing to figure out, finding that balance between working and my limited time with my boys.

Friday, January 15, 2010

I am so addicted!!

My nose was pierced this afternoon, and I love it so much!  I am seriously thinking of getting two more studs put in, but will give this one a chance to heal first.  I am getting very addicted to piercing, hadn't realized it would be as bad as tattoo's, but they are!  I just wish it wasn't so expensive, but I do think it is worth the cost.

I am really hoping I can get some rings put in the cartilage of my ears in the next few months.  I think they would look just wonderful.

The boys are with their father this weekend, which is good and bad.  Good that I can have some down time, but bad because I miss them.  Monkey really had a hard time, he did not want to leave at all.  He kept saying how he wanted to stay with Mama, and not go with Dada.  I did finally convince him to go, but his father was all for letting him stay with me.  I personally don't think it's a good idea to let the boys decide these things.  It is up to the parents to decide.  I don't want to end up with a little boy that thinks he can just live with whoever he wants, whenever he wants.  They need one home.  I especially don't want to encourage a situation where they will say 'I Hate You, I want to Live with Dad/Mom'!  Guess we shall just have to see how things turn out over the years.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

All excited again!!!

Did you know that piercing is addictive???  I didn't think about this problem when I had my nipples done 4 weeks ago, which by the way are healing beautifully!  I want more, so much more! So, tomorrow afternoon I am going to get my nose done.  I also want 4 rings in the cartilage of my ear, but that will cost much more, so will need to save up for it.  I am just pumped to be doing this!

I am finally feeling like the person I was meant to be, the person I should have been if I had not let my ex become the driving force of my life.  I realize now just how unbalanced our marriage was.  I'm not going to point fingers, as it was just as much my fault that I let it happen.  I'm just forever thankful that I am finally living my life how I want to now!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Change Tomorrow!

I have finally made a decision to sever my identity from my ex.  The divorce papers are not signed yet, but in my heart it is more than over.  So, I will be reverting to my maiden name tomorrow.  I will start with getting my drivers license changed, and once it is in hand, then I will get everything else changed over.  Just today I started to use my maiden name, and it feels good, it feels right.  In some ways it might make things difficult, but only in regards to the boys.  I suspect from time to time that I will have explain that 'Yes' I am their mother, but that is not a major problem... just comes with the territory of being a single Mom.

Other than that, life is still going forward.  Bug celebrated his 4th Birthday last week, he is growing so fast.  Little Man has had that wonderful word explosion that usually comes shortly after turning 2.  Monkey seems to be finally settling into school nicely as well.  The house is also looking good, not done, but much better!

Now to just get this divorce over and done with!!!