Thursday, January 21, 2010

A rambling week

This has been on of those week I wish would just end!  It all started off alright, had a good weekend.  Made it out Saturday night with a girlfriend for drinks and dancing, maybe a few too many drinks, but fun non the less.  Sunday was a bit of a challenge, with having a mild hangover around 3 happy little boys... ouch.  But, I survived no problem.

Monday was hard in the end.  I have been a part of many different bulletin boards over the years, but never stuck with any as I did with the January 2006 Birth Boards.  This is usually the first place I went for advice and comfort, the ladies there were always straight with me.  One of the more active members of that wonderful group of ladies passed away on Monday.  She was a vibrant, funny lady, you could feel her love for her children, husband, and family come through each one of her posts.  She was a mother to 3 boys, and one little girl, who was only 3 months old.  Her death is just so senseless.

Last Thursday she went in to have a tubal performed, something so many ladies get done.  She ended up passing away from Sepsis, due to a perforated bowel.  Something so simple, so easy, turned into something unbearable painful.  I ache for her children, I weep for her husband.  All I can do is send my most sincere and heartfelt sympathy... which feels so pathetically weak.  I can never understand the pain they are going through, and will go through for the rest of their lives.  All I can hope and pray for is that they find peace in their new lives.

With Anna's passing, I have spent the last 3 days in a rather subdued state, a lot of it crying.  It has not helped that I am sick with a head cold.  These two things combined do not help when dealing with 3 boys that want their mother's undivided attention.  Another blow to my already shaky life this week, was finding out that the local babysitting coop does not want to me to join.  Can you guess why?  The reason is because of my present divorce proceedings with my ex, they feel that I have too much going on to fully participate in this group.  Seriously???  Because of a life situation that I have no control over, I am being denied a group that could really help me???  I am rather upset by this.  Of course they tell me I can try again when things have settled down, but come on... when does life ever really settle down?!

Along with all this, I have been pondering a lot lately.  What am I really doing with my life, and what should I be doing.  With the Little Man so young still, I don't really want to work yet, but that time is coming closer every day.  What is it that I want to be doing one day?  And is it something that is attainable.  If it's not easily attainable, what should I settle for?  And then, what do I need to do now to be prepared. Of course, living in a small town does not help, the choices for work are limited here.  Yes, I do live close to the city, but don't really want to have to commute more than 30 minutes each way for a job that will take away even more time with my children.  Such a hard thing to figure out, finding that balance between working and my limited time with my boys.

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