A Positive!

Okay, so yesterday was a not so great day around here, but there was one big positive! I am only 2lbs away from my weight loss goal of 135lbs. My brain is also finally catching up with the changes, and I'm actually starting to feel thin! Here is the progression of photos from April to now.

April 2009 184lbs

July 15th, 2009 154.6lbs

November 1st, 2009 137.2lbs

Slacking on my blogging lately!!!

I have been such a blog slacker lately! It just seems that life has kind of taken over, which in many ways is not a bad thing. The house is slowly getting organized, still lots going on though. Painting should be done in a few days, the doorway to Little Man's room is in, and I even have a door to my bedroom. There are still a number of updates that I would like to do, but they can wait a few weeks to a month. Right now I just want to fully settle in, and enjoy things for a while.

For myself, I am doing really, really well. I haven't felt this good about myself in more years than I can remember. Don't ask why I did this, but I tried my wedding dress on last week. Within just a few months of getting married 13 years ago, I started gaining the weight, which means I have not been able to put it on since that day. Well, it fits now, probably better than it did all those years ago. The only real sentiment I felt wearing that dress, was that my good friends mother made it. When the divorce is final, I will decide what to do with it... maybe a wedding dress burning bonfire???

I did get out for some fun this past weekend, how wonderful that was! I love my boys completely, but it is nice to feel like a women as well at times... an attractive, hot one at that ;). I'm sure you will all agree that having a man look at you in that certain way is one hell of a boost to the ego! And I got some major ego boosting this weekend. Now to just work more of that time in.

Soccer for the boys started last week, their first organized sporting event. I can't even explain just how excited they were. Bug took to soccer like a duck to water, that boy certainly loves to run! Corbin also had a blast, it will be good for him to participate in activities like this with his friends. It was also a nice chance for me to meet some of the Mom's & Dad's, which is hard at school pick-up and drop-offs. I will be seeing these people many, many times over the coming years, and would like a good relationship with them.

Speaking of house and soccer, I need to get some laundry going, and get ready for Bug's soccer practice!

Feeling pretty good.

I am really starting to feel better, about myself, and about where I am going. I look better than I have in over 10 years, and I'm still losing. In another few months (I have between 12lbs and 22lbs to go) I will be at my goal weight, can't wait to get some shopping done this fall. I have a great house to move into in a few months, and even found out yesterday that there is a possibility of moving in earlier, which would be incredible. I have three absolutely amazing boys that love me unconditionally, something that no one can take away. Many people do not realize that I am 35, would not put me older than about 27/28 years old. Before I lost the weight I had finally started to look my age, now that has been reversed. Guess it means I could easily go for a younger man LOL.

As much as I do still love him, I do not like him, and each and every day my love is slowly falling away. I can't wait for the day that my feelings are diminished enough that what he says to me, does not hurt or affect me the same as it does now. I know it will take time, but I am slowly getting there, which is what I need to be able to move on with my life. Love is not something I can just turn off with a switch. With the help of my friends, family and counselor, I will get to a healthier place in regards to my feelings for him. I will not allow what he has done, to ruin the rest of my life.

I am only now realizing just how much of myself I repressed while with him, just how much of myself I put away to make things better for him. I did too much for him, and not enough for me. Who I really am is coming out, and she is incredible strong. I am going to make the most of this new life I have, make it a life that I can be proud of... that my boys can be proud of!

Contemplating

So, I am coming down from the highs of the last week. The monster house is sold, and I have secured the purchase of my new house, and now I need to pack. Not really something I want to do, but it needs to be done. I have just over 3 weeks, more than enough time... I already have 4 boxes of books done.

I got my hair cut and dyed yesterday, it was supposed to be done the day after He told me he was leaving me. It's taken me this long to want to get it done again, and it felt great! My stylist made some interesting comments as well. She says that I am glowing more, look happier, and just seem more outgoing. She also said that it sounds like there was some mental abuse going on, whether it was noticeable or not. It makes me wonder....

When looking back, I have noticed that I fit myself to work into his life, but I can't see anywhere that he tried to fit into mine. It was all about him, and I followed along. The thing was, I didn't see it, or maybe I just didn't want to notice. I'm not sure why I let myself be put on the back burner like that, it's not who I really am, or who I want to be. I matter, I count. I don't think he wanted someone who could handle things on her own, could still function by herself. I think it made his insecurities even worse. Problem is, I can handle anything that life throws my way. Especially now that I have woken up, and taken control of my life again.

It's amazing what I have already done since this all happened. I have lost 33lbs, taken my boys camping, hikes, sold a house, bought a new one. In 3 weeks I will be taking them out in a tent trailer for 2 weeks. I'm not sure I would have had the courage to do this before, but I certainly have it now. I put my life (and the boys) on hold when he was away, I'm not sure why I did that. I will not put my life on hold for anyone again.

Weight Loss

I usually just post my weight loss stuff on my other blog To Wear A Bikini, but I really wanted to brag a little right now. In the last 52 days I have lost a total of 28.4lbs!!!! That is an amazing achievement, something that I am so very proud of. I now have only 20lbs to get to my goal of 135lbs, something that I am very much looking forward to. I'm going to have to do some major shopping this coming fall LOL.

Hmmm... where did those thought go???

So, I was working out on my elliptical, and I had my thoughts all organized for a post about how I am feeling and doing right now... well, it's gone LOL. I really can't remember what it was I wanted to say now, if that isn't a sign of a traumatized brain, I don't know what is.

I am doing well, it's been a few days since I have cried. I know there are still many bad days ahead of me, but I am doing my best to enjoy the decent ones for now. I am actually feeling positive about where I am going, and how I will get there. I am closer to my goal weight right now than I have been in almost 9 years, which is an incredible feeling. Another few months and I will look as good as I did when I got married almost 13 years ago. This weight loss isn't being done for him, it is 100% for me. I never thought exercise would feel so good, and I am happy that I am taking much better care of myself than I have in a very long time. I plan to enjoy an active life with my boys.

Oh, this is part of what I wanted to write about LOL. I am coming to realize that I may not find someone else to spend my life with, and I am getting a little better at dealing with that thought. I'm sure there could be someone else out there for me, but the big obstacle for me will be 'Trust'. I have just had my trust shattered by someone I trusted implicitly, and completely. The road to recovering from that is going to be long, and hard. It will take me a long time to learn how to trust someone enough to place a part of my heart in theirs.... I'm not sure I could handle another heart break like this one again. It is somewhat scary to think that I could be alone for the rest of my life.....

A new blog

Well, the time has come in my life that I need to lose the weight I have slowly been gaining... and keeping. I am done with having children, so the excuses need to stop. I've started a blog to chronicle this journey. It will be hard for me to do this, but I am determined that it needs to happen! So, here it is....

http://towearabikini.blogspot.com/

Post Christmas Let Down

It's always a little sad to take the Christmas stuff down and get it ready for storage... also sometimes makes me wonder why go to the trouble of putting it out for a month a year??? Now that the Christmas season is over, it will give me a chance to finally finish getting the house set up they way I want it to be. I would love to have it painted, but the expense is an issue... and just not sure I am up to the job myself.

I have curtains for two rooms (the master bedroom, and the front living room) to be completed, as well as finishing touches that need to be done. I am also going to be clearing out toys this week, they really don't need all that we have, and I hate the clutter it creates! Some of them I will sell, the rest will head off to goodwill.

It is also time that I started watching what I eat, it has been getting a little out of hand lately. With Little Man being 1, and no plans for anymore little ones, it is time to take back my body. I will start with small changes, and then progress through out the year to get where I want/need to be. I'm still working on setting up my weight loss blog, but should hopefully have it up and going by tomorrow. I should also have the house sorted out well enough in a few days to devote some time to exercise!!!!

Welcome to the New Year!

Well, it is another New Year, and time for some change! Our dream is still to live aboard a boat, but we are not ready for that yet. I have changed the title to Dreams of Cyprus, as that is what I feel is the closest, and more easily attainable dream. I will have other changes over the coming days/weeks, but they will all be cosmetic... I'm having fun figuring out the code!

Hubby and I stayed up for Midnight to enjoy a nice glass of Bollinger, which I am also enjoying right now. I'm not sure what would be considered our goals for the coming year, not something we have ever done. But, I would say the basics apply...

• Enjoy as much time with our boys as we can.
• Help them to grow up as well mannered, happy children.
• Teach them the joys of living.
• Find a way to bring our long term dreams even closer!!!

As for my own goals, that would be to lose this weight that I have been carrying around for more years than I would like. I had started losing weight very nicely 2 years ago, but getting pregnant put a stop to that. Now that Little Man is just past one (and he even slept through the night last night), it is time to start working on myself. I am setting up a blog to chronicle this journey, which should be over by our Anniversary in November.

I wish you all a very happy New Year!

How long is a day???

I sometimes wonder how one day can seem so much longer than others... especially when you sleep in a bit!!! The boys slept longer than usual this morning, which in turn means that I did too. It was not a fun or relaxing morning as I tried to get everything, and everyone ready to head out the door, I only had 40 minutes! I'm surprised that I actually grabbed an orange to eat before running out the door, otherwise I would have had nothing to eat at all.

Bug seems to be missing hubby the most this time around, which is unusual for him. He has been throwing fits left, right and centre, and over the strangest of things. At school pick up time, Bug is supposed to walk towards me when his name is called, he of course decided this was a good day to run. When told that he would have to go back to the carpet and walk, he fell to the floor and started to whine and cry... ?????? This rule he has been following for 3 months, not sure what made today so special.

Little man produced a small fever this afternoon, somewhere around 38.5°. He's not showing any other signs of being sick, so I wonder if it is just his eye teeth about to erupt. It would be nice if he could get them out soon, and quickly too. He's close to sleeping through the night, and the sooner the better for my sanity.

My eating has be absolute crap lately... I don't think it has ever been this bad, but it has to stop. If I am ever going to lose weight, I need to bring it under control.... NOW!! I am going to use Sparkpeople to keep track of my eating this week (and for a little while longer), should help to keep me on track... don't really want to write down crap, makes it too real. There is no reason that I shouldn't be able to lose weight over the holiday season if I am careful in what food choices I make!