Huh??

It's now been 1 year and 2 days since the ex and I separated.... and yet I'm still married?!?!?!  What the hell?!?!?  I really had no intentions of being married to him when that magic number of 1 year came along, and yet here I am still married... kind of depressing.  I don't feel married, haven't felt married in more months than I can remember.  I do not love him, not even sure I can say I care for him in any way, he's just the father of my children... essentially someone I know.

Considering that he is living with the person he was having an affair with, it's not like either of us wants this farce to continue on any longer!

Hopefully it doesn't take too much longer to get this finished off!!!

I am so addicted!!

My nose was pierced this afternoon, and I love it so much!  I am seriously thinking of getting two more studs put in, but will give this one a chance to heal first.  I am getting very addicted to piercing, hadn't realized it would be as bad as tattoo's, but they are!  I just wish it wasn't so expensive, but I do think it is worth the cost.

I am really hoping I can get some rings put in the cartilage of my ears in the next few months.  I think they would look just wonderful.

The boys are with their father this weekend, which is good and bad.  Good that I can have some down time, but bad because I miss them.  Monkey really had a hard time, he did not want to leave at all.  He kept saying how he wanted to stay with Mama, and not go with Dada.  I did finally convince him to go, but his father was all for letting him stay with me.  I personally don't think it's a good idea to let the boys decide these things.  It is up to the parents to decide.  I don't want to end up with a little boy that thinks he can just live with whoever he wants, whenever he wants.  They need one home.  I especially don't want to encourage a situation where they will say 'I Hate You, I want to Live with Dad/Mom'!  Guess we shall just have to see how things turn out over the years.

Flashing back.

They say that when you die, your life flashes before your eyes. I believe that impending divorce is a lot like that. I find myself 'flashing' back to past events several times a day. Sometimes it's from going someplace that He and I went together, or doing something We did together, and other times it doesn't seem to correlate at all. What surprises me the most, is how mundane some of those things were, nothing really momentous. I would have thought it would be the big things that would get to me. Then again, it is the daily, mundane things, that really form our lives. The great big momentous events, are just that, events. Some of course are more central to who we are, like the first time you hold your baby in your arms, but most are things that we enjoy and then move on from.

These flashes usually leave me feeling a little sad, even a little lonely, which is saying a lot when I am surrounded by my three boisterous boys all day. I don't get weepy, or start crying, just feel sad that those moments will never happen again. I don't really miss Him right now, but I miss who he used to be, who We used to be. The person he has become I do not want in my life, I don't need that in my life, and of course I don't need Her in my life either. That is probably the whole crux of this situation, Her. In His quest for this new life, he has left behind something incredible. I wonder if he realizes just what he has given up, and that it is gone forever. I am not just talking about the boys, but about our marriage. He may say that we should never have been married, but I will not believe that. I was happy, nothing he says will change that. I loved him with every fiber of my being, and would have done anything in my power to make our marriage work. But, that choice was ripped away from me, by actions and choices that I was not a part of.

Will I ever forgive him for this? I don't know. Will we ever be friends again? Again, I can't say. I truly hope that one day we can, we have many years in which we must be co-parents to our three boys. For their sake, I pray that we can come to an understanding, and soon.

Being Single

First off, I LOVE my boys, and feel very blessed to have them in my life, but... this whole single Mom thing can really suck! I have no choice but to do everything with them, unless I can find someone to watch them. This includes Dr's appointments, grocery shopping, errands, clothes shopping (trust me, this one really sucks!), pretty much anything and everything that you encounter during the day. To just have a small break every other day of about an hour would be heaven sent! To not have to listen to the questions, fighting, crying, screaming, and general babble, to actually hear my own thoughts. I guess right now living with my parents I don't even get my quiet evenings, which is maybe why I am finding this so hard.

Before moving in here, I would spend my evenings either reading a book, cleaning, surfing online, sewing, relaxing. Pretty much anything I wanted to do, as long as it was at home. I just don't feel as comfortable doing most of that here, and of course somethings I want to do, I want privacy for... sorely lacking right now. Again, only 3 weeks!

I still don't know how long I will be doing this on my own, when He will be moving back here (he is presently living in England), or even if he will. As much as I don't want to not have the boys around, having every other weekend to myself to do with as I please would be rather nice. My social life is seriously lacking right now, as I have only been 'out' 3 or 4 times since May. Rather hard to meet people when you can't get out much. I don't necessarily want to date right now, but it would be nice to socialize. The idea of dating is kind of scary, I haven't thought along those lines in 13 years, and I'm sure things have changed since then too. Things have certainly changed for me, as I will always have 3 small boys to consider when I meet new men. I won't just be considering who would be good for me, but who would be okay with my boys. That will be one in the same from now on.

Ugh, can you tell I'm tired and my head is running around in circles??!?!? I just pray that tonight I can actually get a decent nights sleep!

Time

Well, as of 8:30am tomorrow (Thursday, August 19th, 2009), I will be saying good bye to the house I have lived in for the last 2 years. It is not a truly bad house, it was entered into with hopes and dreams. There are many memories I will cherish from that house, especially one.

On November 24th, 2007, I gave birth to Little Man in that house, in fact, in the bathtub in the master en-suite. That night, my family grew by one more member. I have now left that house missing one family member. But it was not by death that a family member was lost, but by desertion. Yes, my Husband was my family, he was my life, he was an integral part of my family. That particular family is now gone, replaced by another, even stronger one.

This new family is of course myself and the boys, but bonded together with the love and support from so many other people. Even though a key person is gone, I have gained so much more than I have lost. I am truly blessed by the support I have found during this most difficult time in my life. Without it, I would not be standing on my own two feet right now. I do realize that it is not over for me yet, I still have many hurdles to cross, but I know that I will get through them... because of my boys, and the friends and family that I have.

To everyone that has been there for me, THANK YOU. You have all brought me to this point, saying good bye to that house. Again, Thank You.

Contemplating

So, I am coming down from the highs of the last week. The monster house is sold, and I have secured the purchase of my new house, and now I need to pack. Not really something I want to do, but it needs to be done. I have just over 3 weeks, more than enough time... I already have 4 boxes of books done.

I got my hair cut and dyed yesterday, it was supposed to be done the day after He told me he was leaving me. It's taken me this long to want to get it done again, and it felt great! My stylist made some interesting comments as well. She says that I am glowing more, look happier, and just seem more outgoing. She also said that it sounds like there was some mental abuse going on, whether it was noticeable or not. It makes me wonder....

When looking back, I have noticed that I fit myself to work into his life, but I can't see anywhere that he tried to fit into mine. It was all about him, and I followed along. The thing was, I didn't see it, or maybe I just didn't want to notice. I'm not sure why I let myself be put on the back burner like that, it's not who I really am, or who I want to be. I matter, I count. I don't think he wanted someone who could handle things on her own, could still function by herself. I think it made his insecurities even worse. Problem is, I can handle anything that life throws my way. Especially now that I have woken up, and taken control of my life again.

It's amazing what I have already done since this all happened. I have lost 33lbs, taken my boys camping, hikes, sold a house, bought a new one. In 3 weeks I will be taking them out in a tent trailer for 2 weeks. I'm not sure I would have had the courage to do this before, but I certainly have it now. I put my life (and the boys) on hold when he was away, I'm not sure why I did that. I will not put my life on hold for anyone again.

Old habits.

I am finding that as time goes on, I am starting to fall back into some of my old habits. Not all of them, but a few. My time on the computer has increased a bit the last week or so, but not as much as before. I am still not watching TV, which is probably why my evening computer time has increased. Now that he is gone, I am going to start sewing again. For some odd reason, I just did not want to sew while he was around. I have a few projects that are almost done, just need to spend a little time finishing them. It will feel good to get them done. With those things done, I can start to work on my next project, can't wait to get that going. One day I will blog about it, but not yet.

He told Monkey yesterday that we did not like living together anymore, so he would be living somewhere else when he comes back. I was extremely angry, and hurt, that he did that without my knowledge, and consultation. I am their Mother, and should be treated as such for all major decisions. It really threw me when Monkey asked me why I didn't like living with Dada, it just seemed so out of the blue. I did want them to know, as they are much more intelligent than he gives them credit, but it was something we should have discussed prior. Then again, it doesn't surprise me, he couldn't re-arrange his day Friday to have our counseling session later in the morning than planned. It wasn't my fault the counselors were short staffed that morning, I found out that information just as I saw him pulling into the parking lot. I was pretty sure the sitter was okay with staying till after 11am, but waited to talk to him first before calling her.

Oh well, water under the bridge now so to speak.

I now have two months to work on healing myself, and making sure there are no repercussions from the boys. Bug has become a bit more of a handful lately. He is really hitting when he doesn't get his way, it can be very hard for me to deal with on my own everyday. I am going to talk with the counselors about that, and see if they have any ideas that could help me deal with that issue. Monkey does not seem all that keen on spending any time away from me. Bug wanted to join Grandma at Church today, but Monkey said he wanted to be with me instead. Took a lot of talking to make him realize that I would be there too.

I just want to make sure they know just how much they are loved and wanted. I will do anything to keep them happy, and well adjusted. Knowing that Monkey can take time to adjust to new situations, I point out his new school every time we go by. Even if he didn't need that time, I don't like the idea of just tossing them into a situation without some idea of what it is about.

I am going to take the plunge next weekend, and take the boys camping! It will be with a number of families that I know, so at least I will have some eyes to watch them while I set up. I won't need to bring everything along, just enough to get us through 3 nights. I am looking forward to it, but also dreading it at the same time. We are talking about it a lot right now, about what I will expect from them during the day, and at bedtime. Hopefully it will help things to go smoothly. If it is a success, then I hope to do it a few more times this summer.

Getting Angry

I knew it would come, didn't know when, but knew one day the anger would show up. This week I have been angry, so very angry. I don't like being angry, it's draining and tiring. I still just don't understand (and suspect I never really will) why and how he could do this to me and our children??? I loved him so very much, and truly felt that we would spend our entire lives together... I still can't quite grasp the fact that it is over.

My only saving grace in this whole crap fest, is that I know it is NOT my fault... I did not do anything to make him do this, I am not the one who decided to forsake our marriage vows. It just makes me angry that he could do this without at least trying! We had a wonderful life, whether or not he thinks it now, we did. I truly do not believe he was so unhappy for as long as he said.... why stick around and have children with me otherwise?

Just please let this anger disappear soon, I don't need it messing with my head and health.

Things that I Love....

Here is a few things that I love, and the reason I will come through this craptacular event in my life happier and more fulfilled.

• Hugs from Little Man at bedtime, which just started tonight. I love how he reaches for me, and then pats my back.
• Monkey not letting me go anywhere without a big hug and kiss. He gets upset if I try to go without those two things.
• Snuggles from Bug, that boy sure loves to snuggle... I only wish his elbows and knees could somehow not involve themselves LOL.
• I love you competition with Monkey. Lately he has started telling me that he loves me more than the whole earth, said with such a serious little face.
• I love that Bug will keep asking for another hug and kiss at bedtime, even after a half dozen!
• The shouts of 'Mama, Mama, you're back!' when I come back after stepping out for a bit, along with the hugs and kisses.
• The quiet moments when Monkey or Bug tell me things.
• How helpful Monkey can be when he is in the mood.
• I even love the midnight visits, it's nice to have a snuggle during the night.
• The feeling of joy and pride I have for my incredible boys.

No matter what their father has done to me, he has at least given me the best reason to make a better life for myself.... our children. I want them to still have a happy home, a fulfilled home, a loving home.... and for that to happen, I need to be those things as well. One day it will all come together, soon I'm sure.

Strength

It's a strange feeling when your counselors keep asking you how you are able to deal with such stressful situations so well?!? I was point blank asked on Friday where I got the knowledge to know that his affair is not my fault in any way! You would think you go to counselors to help you come to that conclusion, not have them wonder how you already had the strength to get there yourself.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing... just very, very strange.

It also seems strange to have other Mom's tell me that I am an inspiration. I really don't feel that I am, I just feel like I am doing the best that I can given the crap situation that I have been dealt with. It also makes me feel like I need to find a way to help other women in this situation, but I have no idea how to go about it. Maybe one day the right opportunity will come along to show me what I can do.

Today was a better day for me, I had a wonderful counseling session this morning. This really helped me see where I am. It also showed me that I am moving in the right direction, and that by continuing on this present path I will come to a good place. A place that I can heal properly, and come out the other side healthier, and happier. Let's just hope it comes sooner rather than later.

I was chatting with a male friend from high school last night, and he helped remind me that I do have power. I was, and am (although I know many would disagree with this), a rather shy person, but he believes that I have always had power when it comes to men. I think he's right, I've never felt odd or out of place when dating or flirting. I don't feel this power when I am in a room full of women I have never met... just not as comfortable. When I am ready to date again, I want to remember what he said. I am not powerless!

It's all too real now...

Things became a little too real for me yesterday. He had spent the last few days removing all his office stuff, as well as clothes, and some personal items. Thursday night I came to the realization that my wonderful, incredible boys, were going to have their parents in the same house at night for the last time.... how incredibly sad I am for them.

She also arrived for their little vacation yesterday, now that is something that is incredibly hard to swallow. All Winter I was looking forward to camping, hiking, and spending days outdoors with him and our boys. That is not to be now, it will now be me and the boys spending time together doing those things... and we will be doing them!!!

This is were things get strange and odd for me. He is moving to England next weekend, for at least 2 months??!!?!?! I'm still trying to totally wrap my head around this one. In some ways it is good, for me at least. I now have at least two months without having to see him, or worry about seeing him at all.

No movement on this house, but none on the one I want. So keep those prayers coming my way!

How am I supposed to do this???

Can someone tell me how I am just supposed to 'Get over this'???? He seems to think that I should just somehow put aside my feelings.... how can I when they are still so new! He has had months to adjust his thinking in regards to me, I have had just a little over a month, that is not nearly long enough.

I just don't get it, I don't think I ever will. I don't know how to move forward with my life. I am angry that my life was changed so drastically by someone else, I am angry that I now have to deal with this... and above all, I am hurt beyond anything I ever thought possible by what has happened. How do I stop loving him, how do I stop the pain from overwhelming me at times.

How can anyone expect me to just get over this amount of pain in just a few weeks. That is something I don't think I will ever understand.

Not much longer!

So, Little Man would appear to be getting those lovely 2 year molars that all Mother's dread. The last few nights he has been awful getting to sleep at night, as well as waking multiple times throughout the night. Add this to his lovely 5:30am wake up time, and I am not necessarily the happiest Mama on the block... but at least I know it will be over soon!

This coming Friday I will have the house to myself (well, the boys will be here of course), for good! It is a strange feeling, but also freeing. This will be my time to start healing, although I suspect I won't be able to heal completely until I can get into my own house. At least it will be a chance for the process to start.

Girl Time

I had a wonderful night out with some friends last night... Thank you L!!! It was great to laugh, joke, and just have a very good time. It was also nice to dress up a bit, and wear some make-up. This is something that I will have to make sure is much more a part of my life, which up until recently was I think a little too focused on the children, and my 'hubby'. One chapter of this new journey of my life is going to be rediscovering myself, who I am, what I want. It is a part of which I am very excited about.

I am still hoping like crazy that I can get the house in Cochrane that I want, it just felt like a place I could heal in. We still have interest in this house, I can only pray that someone will put an offer in that is acceptable. So, I am sending this request out to the Universe, to please grant me this healing place, a home for me and my children.

Balancing again.

I just want to say a great big Thank You to everyone for their well wishes, and thoughts.. without this I'm not sure how easy I would find this. This morning was bad, I'm not going to lie. If I could have, I would have crawled into bed, pulled the covers up, and denied reality in. Of course I can't do this with the boys, but I really wish I could have done it.

As the day wore on, I slowly felt my strength and balance return. In large part to so many different wonderful women that I know, reminding me how strong I am.
Here is to a better day tomorrow.