Sunday, July 5, 2009

Old habits.

I am finding that as time goes on, I am starting to fall back into some of my old habits. Not all of them, but a few. My time on the computer has increased a bit the last week or so, but not as much as before. I am still not watching TV, which is probably why my evening computer time has increased. Now that he is gone, I am going to start sewing again. For some odd reason, I just did not want to sew while he was around. I have a few projects that are almost done, just need to spend a little time finishing them. It will feel good to get them done. With those things done, I can start to work on my next project, can't wait to get that going. One day I will blog about it, but not yet.

He told Monkey yesterday that we did not like living together anymore, so he would be living somewhere else when he comes back. I was extremely angry, and hurt, that he did that without my knowledge, and consultation. I am their Mother, and should be treated as such for all major decisions. It really threw me when Monkey asked me why I didn't like living with Dada, it just seemed so out of the blue. I did want them to know, as they are much more intelligent than he gives them credit, but it was something we should have discussed prior. Then again, it doesn't surprise me, he couldn't re-arrange his day Friday to have our counseling session later in the morning than planned. It wasn't my fault the counselors were short staffed that morning, I found out that information just as I saw him pulling into the parking lot. I was pretty sure the sitter was okay with staying till after 11am, but waited to talk to him first before calling her.

Oh well, water under the bridge now so to speak.

I now have two months to work on healing myself, and making sure there are no repercussions from the boys. Bug has become a bit more of a handful lately. He is really hitting when he doesn't get his way, it can be very hard for me to deal with on my own everyday. I am going to talk with the counselors about that, and see if they have any ideas that could help me deal with that issue. Monkey does not seem all that keen on spending any time away from me. Bug wanted to join Grandma at Church today, but Monkey said he wanted to be with me instead. Took a lot of talking to make him realize that I would be there too.

I just want to make sure they know just how much they are loved and wanted. I will do anything to keep them happy, and well adjusted. Knowing that Monkey can take time to adjust to new situations, I point out his new school every time we go by. Even if he didn't need that time, I don't like the idea of just tossing them into a situation without some idea of what it is about.

I am going to take the plunge next weekend, and take the boys camping! It will be with a number of families that I know, so at least I will have some eyes to watch them while I set up. I won't need to bring everything along, just enough to get us through 3 nights. I am looking forward to it, but also dreading it at the same time. We are talking about it a lot right now, about what I will expect from them during the day, and at bedtime. Hopefully it will help things to go smoothly. If it is a success, then I hope to do it a few more times this summer.


  1. (((hugs))) Angela!! Stay strong hon.

  2. Wow - on telling your son about the separation without your even letting you know he was doing it (much less having your agreement or participation). That was so not cool, but I guess it is only one of many things... You have been doing this well on your own and you will continue to do so. Sounds like you have a supportive community of friends and family which is a HUGE blessing at a time like this. Keep on doing what you have been doing.
    Re: previous posts on anger. Feelings can come and go in phases and feeling anger is perfectly understandable in a circumstance like this. It is true that some people do come out of situations like this remaining bitter and angry, but that is not a necessary outcome and it does not sound like that's where you are going. I recall being seriously wronged in a long-term relationship (not a marriage, no kids, so not the same - I know) and carrying feelings that began to weigh down my spirit. When the wounds had healed more, I realized that just because I had committed myself to a person who took my kindness for weakness, did not mean that it was so. Just the act of loving and connecting with your children as you so obviously do, is a means of reaffirming your true nature as a caring, connected person. Your soon-to-be-ex earned the anger that is directed at him and IMO to not experience that would be a denial of the validity and value of your own feelings.

  3. Tangi... thank you so much for your very kind words! As for the anger, I expect it to come and go, just as long as it doesn't stay. I find it so very draining, which is not what I need right now.
    I find it truly amazing the support and love I am getting from friends, family, and even those I don't know. In this way I am truly blessed.