What do I do with tomorrow?

I had really hoped I wouldn't be married by this point, but well here I am... tomorrow will mark 14 years of Marriage to C.  It also marks one year that C moved back to Canada with his girlfriend/mistress.  Yes, that is correct, my 'husband' moved his girlfriend to this country on our 13th wedding anniversary... talk about a slap in the face!  I think the only way to look at this, is to see just how far I have come since our marriage ended... or should I say he ended it when he had his affair.

I am happier, I smile and laugh more than I had for years.  I don't miss out on doing things because I am either waiting for him to get home from a trip, or because I'm worried he wouldn't approve.  I have made mistakes during this time, but they were mine.  I have learned to love again, even if there is more caution involved in that.  I found friends where I didn't know I had them, and unfortunately I've also lost friends as well.  I've learned that I can handle more than I thought humanely possible, that I am stronger than anyone realized.

I believe the biggest things I have learned in this time, is to not worry about what other people think.  I am my own person, with my own ideas.  If there is something I want, I can and will get it.  I am a wonderful person, well worth loving.  My soon to be ex husband never really knew me, I don't think he ever wanted to.  He has missed out on knowing a wonderful person.

I look forward to my future, whatever it might hold.

Poor neglected blog :(

It has been some time since I have updated my blog, it's been hard getting back into routines after such an enjoyable summer.  The boys and I did a total of 4.5 weeks worth of camping!!  Between the trailer, travel costs and camp sites, my savings were rather depleted... but there is no way I can complain!  We had just way too much fun, and it was money well spent.  In preparation for next year, the boys and I have sat down and talked about saving money each month.  We have talked about how I will not be spending as much money on 'things', so that we can get as much (if not more) camping done next year.  We have also set up a jar for saving towards 4 iPads.  The boys did do incredibly well on those long drives we took, but they did get bored.  I think the iPads would be an excellent alternative to getting a DVD system for the van, as they could do so much more than just watch a movie.  So, they have agreed that there will be no big presents for birthdays or holidays, and we will make as many of them as we can.  I'm pretty proud that they are going along with this so easily.  I want them to learn about saving for things, and making sacrifices for something that you really want.

New things in our lives...  Monkey started Grade 1, and is so far thriving!  After all the struggles last year, he is doing amazingly well so far.  Bug started at a 5 morning montessori this year, and is so far enjoying it thoroughly.  Little Man had his first day of pre-school last week, can't believe he is old enough to start school!  He will attend Tuesday's and Thursday's, which also means I get those two mornings child free!  The best part of him starting school, is he is now potty trained... so other than overnights, this is now a diaper free household!  I no longer need to carry a diaper bag around!

As for myself, I got another piercing!  It has only been 2 days, so it is still healing, but so far so good.  Curious as to what I got done???  Well, it's my tongue!  I have a lovely purple barbell smack dab in the middle of my tongue lol.  I have wanted to get my tongue pierced for over 14 years, can remember being so jealous when my friend Erin got hers done.  We had planned to get it done together, but I knew then that my fiance (now my ex) didn't like them... so silly me didn't get it done.  Really wish I would have just done what I wanted to do.  But, it is done now!  My tongue was really swollen yesterday, but it is down considerable today.  Hopefully by Monday it will be back to normal, and on it's way to healing nicely.  I almost didn't get it done, but only because I also want a labret piercing as well.  It was a tough decision.  As long as my tongue heals well, I will consider getting a labret done next month.  While I was in, I booked the touch up appointment for my pheonix, so in a few weeks it will be done as well.

Other news.  I have a set schedule with my ex!!  It feels so good knowing what weekends, and the few weeknights, that he will have the boys.  He tried to not do this, saying his usual crap of how he doesn't plan things.  Ummm, it's not all about him anymore!  The boys, and I, would both greatly benefit from a schedule.  Yes, I understand he travels for work, but it's much easier to adjust the schedule that is in place for those occurrences, then to always wonder when he will take the boys.  I was also tired of being the one to contact him as to when he wanted the boys.  It is no longer my 'job' to schedule his life, no longer my 'job' to keep track of his life.  We also came to an agreement about the settlement, which hopefully we will be signing this month... which means I am so much closer to finally being divorced!

One other things, I got my hair cut really short (really short for me lol)!  I absolutely love it!  I've never had it this short, but it's amazing just how well it suits me.  I am feeling so incredibly good about myself, my 30's are going to be some of the best years of my life!

Huh??

It's now been 1 year and 2 days since the ex and I separated.... and yet I'm still married?!?!?!  What the hell?!?!?  I really had no intentions of being married to him when that magic number of 1 year came along, and yet here I am still married... kind of depressing.  I don't feel married, haven't felt married in more months than I can remember.  I do not love him, not even sure I can say I care for him in any way, he's just the father of my children... essentially someone I know.

Considering that he is living with the person he was having an affair with, it's not like either of us wants this farce to continue on any longer!

Hopefully it doesn't take too much longer to get this finished off!!!

What shall I say??

Nothing too crazy is going on these days, just moving along as life usually does.  Slowly getting closer to getting the divorce finalized, which will be a wonderful day for me.  I've started the process of switching back to my maiden name, just going to take time to have all my ID and bills changed.

The closer that I get to having the divorced finalized, the more I think about my future.  I have over 4 years before all 3 boys will be in school full time, but I'm now wondering if I should still be just a stay at home Mom all that time?  I wonder just what options I do have, what options I should consider.  The thought though, of not being home with my boys, really does scare me.  I have spent the last 5.75 years home with my children... it's a truly scary proposition to think about working again.

The problem with finding a job right now, is how will I ever afford child care?  Not only that, but the available jobs here right now aren't exactly stellar.  Then again, what job would I be able to get being out of the workforce for so long.  The more I look at this problem, the more I feel I need to do some serious upgrading.  Which of course leads to the next question, what kind of upgrading???

A rambling week

This has been on of those week I wish would just end!  It all started off alright, had a good weekend.  Made it out Saturday night with a girlfriend for drinks and dancing, maybe a few too many drinks, but fun non the less.  Sunday was a bit of a challenge, with having a mild hangover around 3 happy little boys... ouch.  But, I survived no problem.

Monday was hard in the end.  I have been a part of many different bulletin boards over the years, but never stuck with any as I did with the January 2006 Birth Boards.  This is usually the first place I went for advice and comfort, the ladies there were always straight with me.  One of the more active members of that wonderful group of ladies passed away on Monday.  She was a vibrant, funny lady, you could feel her love for her children, husband, and family come through each one of her posts.  She was a mother to 3 boys, and one little girl, who was only 3 months old.  Her death is just so senseless.

Last Thursday she went in to have a tubal performed, something so many ladies get done.  She ended up passing away from Sepsis, due to a perforated bowel.  Something so simple, so easy, turned into something unbearable painful.  I ache for her children, I weep for her husband.  All I can do is send my most sincere and heartfelt sympathy... which feels so pathetically weak.  I can never understand the pain they are going through, and will go through for the rest of their lives.  All I can hope and pray for is that they find peace in their new lives.

With Anna's passing, I have spent the last 3 days in a rather subdued state, a lot of it crying.  It has not helped that I am sick with a head cold.  These two things combined do not help when dealing with 3 boys that want their mother's undivided attention.  Another blow to my already shaky life this week, was finding out that the local babysitting coop does not want to me to join.  Can you guess why?  The reason is because of my present divorce proceedings with my ex, they feel that I have too much going on to fully participate in this group.  Seriously???  Because of a life situation that I have no control over, I am being denied a group that could really help me???  I am rather upset by this.  Of course they tell me I can try again when things have settled down, but come on... when does life ever really settle down?!

Along with all this, I have been pondering a lot lately.  What am I really doing with my life, and what should I be doing.  With the Little Man so young still, I don't really want to work yet, but that time is coming closer every day.  What is it that I want to be doing one day?  And is it something that is attainable.  If it's not easily attainable, what should I settle for?  And then, what do I need to do now to be prepared. Of course, living in a small town does not help, the choices for work are limited here.  Yes, I do live close to the city, but don't really want to have to commute more than 30 minutes each way for a job that will take away even more time with my children.  Such a hard thing to figure out, finding that balance between working and my limited time with my boys.

Change Tomorrow!

I have finally made a decision to sever my identity from my ex.  The divorce papers are not signed yet, but in my heart it is more than over.  So, I will be reverting to my maiden name tomorrow.  I will start with getting my drivers license changed, and once it is in hand, then I will get everything else changed over.  Just today I started to use my maiden name, and it feels good, it feels right.  In some ways it might make things difficult, but only in regards to the boys.  I suspect from time to time that I will have explain that 'Yes' I am their mother, but that is not a major problem... just comes with the territory of being a single Mom.

Other than that, life is still going forward.  Bug celebrated his 4th Birthday last week, he is growing so fast.  Little Man has had that wonderful word explosion that usually comes shortly after turning 2.  Monkey seems to be finally settling into school nicely as well.  The house is also looking good, not done, but much better!

Now to just get this divorce over and done with!!!

Only 2 nights to go!

Every year this happens, Christmas sneaks up on me!  The presents are bought, wrapped, and almost ready to go... but it feels like there is just so much more I could do!  It's not helping that I am still working on getting the house set up.  It is looking better each and every day, it's just taking me so much longer to get to this point than I would have liked.

I am hoping the boys enjoy Christmas this year, I'm hoping that I can still make it as wonderful for them as in years past.  I'm pretty confident they will like their gifts, especially the Wii system I bought for all of us.  The only other gifts are some Santa ones, and little stocking stuffers.  These next 2 days are going to be busy and hopefully fun filled, I just hope we all survive!!

Things are progressing very nicely with the Divorce, it should all be wrapped up nice and early in the New Year.  It's going to be a superb way to start 2010 off, having the divorce stuff behind me!  Now, I won't actually be divorced until mid May, but the divorce decree will be complete, and just waiting for a judge to sign off on it.  Back in May this day seemed like the worst thing could ever happen to me, and now, it feels so very freeing!  I don't think I will ever like being a single Mom to my boys, but I would rather stay single than have my Ex back in my life.  Of this I am 100% positive, I do not want him back.

So tired....

The last few days I have found myself to be so very, very tired!  Yes, I know I stay up later than I should, but it's not that late when I finally crash.  And yes, the boys visit me throughout the night, but I have been getting used to that for over 5 years.  It could be from the short cold days we are having, you know, that hibernation that can try to settle in over the winter months... but I don't have time for that!  I just need to be awake and present during the day.

I have accomplished a lot the last few days, made some wonderful progress on the house.  Not sure I will have it all done before I head up North for a week, but it should be enough that it won't bother me.  I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to getting away from things for a whole entire week!  There will be no screaming children, no housework, and no responsibility of any kind!!!  Sounds a bit like Heaven, doesn't it?!

The best part will be spending time with P.  It's been almost 4 weeks that I have seen P, which is much too long.  Of course, I have been fairly busy with the boys, this house, and also finalizing things for the divorce... so, my time has been limited.  Come the New Year, I should have more spare time to hopefully spend with P.

On the subject of my Divorce, I am hopeful that I will be signing the papers this Wednesday!  I have also talked to the bank about taking over the mortgage, so that it is in my name only.  Income wise everything is good, it's just waiting on the credit report.  It will be a wonderful feeling to have these last 7 months behind me, and only look to my future.  It is a far different future than I dreamed of at the beginning of the year, but one that I am looking forward to very much.

I don't want to hold myself back anymore, I want to experience new things.  I'm sure I will get hurt along the way, but at least I will know that I am living my life.  So, if there was one New Years resolution I would make for 2010, it would be to live my life to the fullest!