Monday, May 31, 2010

Hopes & Dreams

It has now been over a year that I have been on my own, a year that I have grown more into myself than during my marriage, a year that I have learned just how strong I am.  There have been many hard days, days that I wondered if I could really make it through this, but those 'days' have gotten fewer and further apart.  My boys well being and happiness have been one of the biggest things to pull me through those difficult days, especially the need to help them through this very difficult time.

But now that we are on more of an even keel, it is really time to start looking to the future... and especially my hopes and dreams for our future.  The basics are of course there.  To continue to help my boys through all stages of their childhood.  To keep my life balanced.  To keep finding out who I am, and continue growing into the confidence that life will lead me down the right paths.  Figuring out what career path will work best for myself and the boys.  Learning that I don't need someone else in my life to complete, but to compliment it.

I am truly looking forward to camping with my boys this summer, those long summer evenings with no TV or other distractions to keep me occupied, should leave me with plenty of time to figure out what I want for my future, for my boys future.  Time to look inside myself and find peace within my life, my body and my soul.

That last is the hardest for me, the one I wonder about all the time.  I find it extremely hard to 'imagine' anyone else living in this house, spending time with my boys.  In some ways I crave that closeness with someone, and yet at the same time I dread it.  I worry about how my boys will handle having someone else in their lives.  I worry about how that change would affect them, how it will affect me.  I worry about giving my heart to someone to take care of, to nurture, and not to shatter it like it has been before.

All aspects of my future rest solely in my hands, and I will find all that I desire and hope for if I remember that there is no obstacles that I cannot overcome.

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