Time

What to say about this last year...

Terrifying

Heartbreaking

Hopeful

Nightmare

Wondrous

And so much more.

My Bug, my sweet crazy Bug, is a fighter.  Cancer fighter.  At only 7 years old he fought cancer.

In 6 months my life has been turned upside down.

Now it's time to find our new normal, and let Bug be a little boy again.

Step One

These last few months have been hard, emotionally draining.  What balancing I was able to do is gone, my days are spent just making it through.  I need to get things out, need to express how I'm feeling, and I need support in getting things back on track.

Small steps for now, baby ones.

I'll be back with them tomorrow... this was step one.

Trying to breath

Breathing is supposed to be easy, something our body does naturally...

But lately I can't seem to catch my breath, it catches in my throat...

Emotionally I'm a wreck, I can't seem to find solid footing from day to day.  I can feel myself pushing people away, especially those that I should be holding closer.

My boys are the only reason I struggle to keep breathing, and yet I worry if that will always be the case.

Change is never ending

So, more changes on the horizon for me, mostly good thankfully.

It's been a rough start to the school year, things haven't exactly gone according to plan!  Just a mere week into things, and I go and hurt my right foot.  I'm now stuck in an air boot until the my tendons and muscles sort themselves back out.  Which means no running, no walking Onyx (poor guy), very little house cleaning... and in general just makes doing anything annoying!

I've got many projects lined up for this winter, but hopefully not too many that I get overwhelmed.  I will be sewing again, something I have missed, maybe even try to make a few bucks from it.  I will be taking some accounting courses, as it now looks like that is where things are headed.  I have a few basic bookkeeping jobs lined up already, but want to brush up on things, and finally finish my Accounting Certificate.  I've got two years before Little Man is in school full time, if I use this time wisely, I'll be more than ready to join the workforce again.

Of course, the one big thing I had wanted to be doing already, was running!  I'm not sure at this point when I will be able to hit the track again, which is not helping my mood.  I really should at least get some weight and core work done until my foot heals... guess that can be my goal for this next week!

New things...

Got my labret piercing finally :)  It's off on the right side of my face, totally love it.

Getting a new tattoo Sunday.  I've been itching for this one since July, pretty excited to see how it turns out.  I'll of course post pics when it's done :)

I'm looking forward to moving my life forward, not letting things pass me by.  I spent so many years watching others live their lives, it's so much more fun living my own!

It's my time

In just 4 days I will have every weekday morning (from 8:40 to 11:00) free from my boys!  It's more time then I have had to myself since Monkey was born in '04.  Figuring out what to do with this time is a little harder...

There is always the house to clean.

Taking Onyx out for walks and runs.

Exercise, so many options there.

Grocery shopping.

Listening to the silence.

Reading a book.

Watching my Gecko's.

Enjoying a bath.

Sewing.

Work on the house.

With so many different options, it's hard to figure out what I should do.  Although in the course of a year, I could quite easily do all of them I suppose.

The biggest thing I'm stuck on, is what will happen in 2 years when all three boys will be in full day school?!  Which then makes me think I should use my time now to be prepared for working then...

There are many options available to me, ones that would allow me to stay home as well.  If I were to start them now, I could slowly grow it over the next few years to be ready for my free days.  The question is, what shall it be?!?

I've fallen in love!

Yes, that's right, I have fallen in love!  It all started Tuesday night, and was totally unexpected.  Not what I was expecting at all!  Had not planned this, not looked for it.

Of course you are now probably wondering who I've fallen in love with...

This is my new crested gecko!  Actually he's one of 4 new gecko's for our home.  I won't be bringing him home till next Wednesday, but did bring 3 baby ones home (1 male, 2 females).  I can't tell you how much I am enjoying them, they are the sweetest things.  I can easily see this turning into an obsession, one that I will enjoy immensely!

It always happens lol

So, did I not just write that I very rarely see the ex's thing while out and about in town?!?  Should have kept my mouth shut lol.  I managed to sneak off to Safeway while the boys visited with my Mom, needed to get some groceries for our last camping trip tomorrow.

There I was, perfectly relaxed (I LOVE shopping with no kids lol) scanning my purchases in the self-checkout, when I caught a look of the person behind me at the next station... HER!!!  What gets me is the look she gave me, I'm not responsible for any 'problems' that she may have in this town.  I have been a part of this town for over 25 years, and if asked what happened to my marriage I tell the truth!  Maybe I'm abnormal, but I don't think there is any reason to cover up what he did, it's not that me that was unfaithful, not me who destroyed a family.  Guess she doesn't like that my (and his) friends 'know' what happened, she certainly didn't have to move to the small town that I'm in lol.

Ok, so yes I told the gal working the self check out who she was lol, but she's seen me in there shopping every week for years and years, with and without the kids!  She was also there the day in November 2009 that the ex cornered me in the store and threatened to never see his children or pay for them if I didn't let his thing spend time with the boys.  He also tried to refuse to give Little Man back to me, wouldn't hand him over even though he wanted me.  I totally broke down that day, I couldn't believe that he would put her feelings above the well being of his own children.  The lady working today was the one who called my Mom to come and get me that awful day.