Hopes & Dreams

It has now been over a year that I have been on my own, a year that I have grown more into myself than during my marriage, a year that I have learned just how strong I am.  There have been many hard days, days that I wondered if I could really make it through this, but those 'days' have gotten fewer and further apart.  My boys well being and happiness have been one of the biggest things to pull me through those difficult days, especially the need to help them through this very difficult time.

But now that we are on more of an even keel, it is really time to start looking to the future... and especially my hopes and dreams for our future.  The basics are of course there.  To continue to help my boys through all stages of their childhood.  To keep my life balanced.  To keep finding out who I am, and continue growing into the confidence that life will lead me down the right paths.  Figuring out what career path will work best for myself and the boys.  Learning that I don't need someone else in my life to complete, but to compliment it.

I am truly looking forward to camping with my boys this summer, those long summer evenings with no TV or other distractions to keep me occupied, should leave me with plenty of time to figure out what I want for my future, for my boys future.  Time to look inside myself and find peace within my life, my body and my soul.

That last is the hardest for me, the one I wonder about all the time.  I find it extremely hard to 'imagine' anyone else living in this house, spending time with my boys.  In some ways I crave that closeness with someone, and yet at the same time I dread it.  I worry about how my boys will handle having someone else in their lives.  I worry about how that change would affect them, how it will affect me.  I worry about giving my heart to someone to take care of, to nurture, and not to shatter it like it has been before.

All aspects of my future rest solely in my hands, and I will find all that I desire and hope for if I remember that there is no obstacles that I cannot overcome.

Tattoo Crazy!

My latest tattoo is only a month old, and I already am getting anxious to get another one!  I've asked my Mom to come up with a design to represent her, something that I could have to always remember her.  I don't think she is too crazy about doing it, but I really hope she does.  It would mean a lot to me to have something of her like that permanently with me at all times.

I had my back piece (the one with the boys birthstones) lasered 2 weeks ago, and it looks like it will need at least one more laser session before it will be ready for the fix up.  I am getting very anxious to this done too, I want it complete.  I also must say the lasering is so much more painful than the actual tattoo, not something I really want to have to get done too often.

I am sort of leaning towards making the Phoenix on my left arm a sleeve, but a little unsure of just how it would all work out.  It will most likely be a few years before I consider that, as it will be fairly costly, and I have other pieces I want done first.  But it is there in the back of my mind.

I am also trying to figure out what piercings I want done as well.  I'm thinking of getting a fair number on the cartilage of my ears, as well as some labrets.  Biggest concern there is how my Mother will feel about them when I am working for her?!  If I one day buy her out of the store, than it will not be an issue, but of course it is her business right now, so her choice as to what is acceptable.

Huh??

It's now been 1 year and 2 days since the ex and I separated.... and yet I'm still married?!?!?!  What the hell?!?!?  I really had no intentions of being married to him when that magic number of 1 year came along, and yet here I am still married... kind of depressing.  I don't feel married, haven't felt married in more months than I can remember.  I do not love him, not even sure I can say I care for him in any way, he's just the father of my children... essentially someone I know.

Considering that he is living with the person he was having an affair with, it's not like either of us wants this farce to continue on any longer!

Hopefully it doesn't take too much longer to get this finished off!!!

Quotes to live by

"It's the soul's duty to be loyal to its own desires. It must abandon itself to its master passion." Rebecca West


"There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm." Will Cather


"I’m not going to die because I failed as someone else. I’m going to succeed as myself."  Margaret Cho


"I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time."  Anna Freud


"Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy." Norman Vincent Peale


"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul.
And sings the tune
Without the words,
and never stops at all."

Emily Dickinson

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." Friedrich Nietzsche

It has been some time since I last posted, nothing too crazy going on.  I really should start posting more, it feels good to get things out as they happen.  May 2nd was Monkey's birthday, my big boy turned 6 years old!  Time certainly goes fast, feels like such a short time ago that I first held my first born son.  Today being Mother's Day, really wasn't anything different then other days.  Yes, the boys made me things at school, but they are still too young to really treat me on this particular day... one day it will happen though.

I am very happy with my decision to not bother dating right now... There is someone I am seeing, and have been for many months now (casually).  I'm thinking it could be more than I had thought...

I'm doing well, things continue to improve for me.  I am coming up on one year of being a single Mom.  This is one day I'm not sure how to feel about, or how to mark either.  On one hand I want to celebrate, as I  haven't been this happy in years... my ex's affair and consequent betrayal has ended up being for the best, but, at the same time, it has also made life just that much harder for me.  I am now a single Mom, during the week I am on my own, with only the odd weekends as a break.  I have an even bigger respect for Mom's out there who do it with no help of any kind from the father of their children.  On the other hand, it was a day that my dreams and hope for the future was destroyed... the stable family my boys had was destroyed.  For my boys sake I hurt, through no fault of their of own their lives have been uprooted and changed.  I do what I can to let them know that their father and I love them, but I don't know if that is even close to enough to help them transition.

It is now time for to find my bed, which is of course occupied by my Little Man... he has been in my bed most nights for about a month now.  I find myself just too tired most nights to work on getting him back to his own bed.  It breaks my heart to hear him cry 'Mama's Bed, I want Mama's bed'.

Some changes

Well, after this joyful weekend, and all that ensued.... I am making some changes.  Other than spending time with my kids, I am just going to concentrate on working out!  I have some goals in mind, and I don't want anything to get in the way of reaching them.  All this dating, and what not, was really starting to stress me out!  Dating with 3 little boys at home is very, very difficult!  It's also compounded by the fact that I can't rely on the ex to actually take them when he is supposed to, which makes it rather difficult to make plans.  How are you supposed to get to know someone if you can only see them once or twice a month?!?!

I'm lucky that I have some incredible friends, that are there for me when I need them.  Without them in my life it would be so much harder navigating my way through everything.  I really wonder how I survived all those years married without them, how I possibly enjoyed my life with them missing?  I must remember at all times to keep them close to me from now on, they help me keep balanced.

Happy Freaking Birthday to Me!

Well, this is close to one of the worst birthdays I've had.  In some ways my fault, and in others, just the way things worked out.  The weather has sucked, crazy wet snow coming down in almost white out conditions.  This of course ruined my plans for the evening.  I also made a decision yesterday to stop trying to date, I just don't really have it in me right now.  I have worked so hard to get where I am, and I do still have a lot of work to do.  I also really don't want to ruin my progress by putting my happiness in someone else's domain.

I'm scared.

I'm scared of entering a relationship again, of putting my heart into someone else's hands.  And why shouldn't I be?  I had my heart broken by someone that I loved, who said he loved me too, yet he still broke my heart.  I'm also scared of putting my kids through another relationship, of bringing someone else into their lives.  I don't want to confuse them, they have so much to adjust to right now as it is.

There is someone that I would like to try having a relationship with...

So, here I sit alone, celebrating my 36th Birthday.  Don't feel sorry for me, being alone is something I do really need to get used to.  It's not really as bad as it sounds either, I would rather be alone right now then risk my sanity.  I still have a lot of improvements to make to myself, things I want to do.