I've fallen in love!

Yes, that's right, I have fallen in love!  It all started Tuesday night, and was totally unexpected.  Not what I was expecting at all!  Had not planned this, not looked for it.

Of course you are now probably wondering who I've fallen in love with...

This is my new crested gecko!  Actually he's one of 4 new gecko's for our home.  I won't be bringing him home till next Wednesday, but did bring 3 baby ones home (1 male, 2 females).  I can't tell you how much I am enjoying them, they are the sweetest things.  I can easily see this turning into an obsession, one that I will enjoy immensely!

It always happens lol

So, did I not just write that I very rarely see the ex's thing while out and about in town?!?  Should have kept my mouth shut lol.  I managed to sneak off to Safeway while the boys visited with my Mom, needed to get some groceries for our last camping trip tomorrow.

There I was, perfectly relaxed (I LOVE shopping with no kids lol) scanning my purchases in the self-checkout, when I caught a look of the person behind me at the next station... HER!!!  What gets me is the look she gave me, I'm not responsible for any 'problems' that she may have in this town.  I have been a part of this town for over 25 years, and if asked what happened to my marriage I tell the truth!  Maybe I'm abnormal, but I don't think there is any reason to cover up what he did, it's not that me that was unfaithful, not me who destroyed a family.  Guess she doesn't like that my (and his) friends 'know' what happened, she certainly didn't have to move to the small town that I'm in lol.

Ok, so yes I told the gal working the self check out who she was lol, but she's seen me in there shopping every week for years and years, with and without the kids!  She was also there the day in November 2009 that the ex cornered me in the store and threatened to never see his children or pay for them if I didn't let his thing spend time with the boys.  He also tried to refuse to give Little Man back to me, wouldn't hand him over even though he wanted me.  I totally broke down that day, I couldn't believe that he would put her feelings above the well being of his own children.  The lady working today was the one who called my Mom to come and get me that awful day.

Making my way

It's been some time since I've posted, so much going on, and out of the habit of blogging doesn't help.  This summer has been very busy with the boys, just a bit over 4 weeks of camping has been completed, with another 5 days to go!  We've managed to put over 8000 kms on the Beast (2011 Toyota Sequoia) that I got in late June, it's been all the way from Vancouver Island to Winnipeg Manitoba!  The boys have had a blast chasing crabs, fish and frogs, as well as a varied list of insects lol.  It's been extremely hectic, but also so very rewarding.

Life is moving along, I'm making my way back to my balance.  School will start up in September for the boys, and I will then have every morning free!  Not quite sure what I will do with all this time, but I'm sure I'll find a way to fill it up lol.

I'm almost divorced too!  Can hardly wait :D  Should all be done before the end of the year.  The ex and I are fairly decent terms, been getting along for the most part, it's helped that he's stopped treating me like a second class citizen.  Part of me is still waiting for him to start acting like a jerk again, but I'm hopeful we can keep things civil from now on.  Still don't see is thing around at all, think I've seen her a total of a dozen times in almost 2 years... which rather surprises me, our town only has 13000 in it, you'd think we'd run into each other once in a while.  She must go out of her way to avoid me... guess she's afraid of the big bad ex-wife LMAO.

I'm getting ready for a new tattoo, just waiting for the design to be done.  So excited to get more ink done, been craving it for some time.  Also want another piercing, just need to find some kid free time to sneak that in.

Things with P, are well, going?!?  He's still 3 hours away, and I'm not sure if I see that changing... I really want it to change, and I think he does too, but he's either to scared to take this next step, or just taking his damn sweet time!  I'm going to start pushing him a bit harder, I don't want to spend my life waiting around. Life is too short to not take chances on love!r

Coasting

So much has been going on these last few months, so many changes to adjust too. I've had a lot of personal struggle, but with counseling and medication, I'm making my way back to the surface. I can feel myself slowly getting back into balance, but it's not easy. I've slacked off in so many areas of my life the last while, that I'm having to work that much harder to get things going again.

I've just been waiting for things to happen, waiting for the 'moment' when I feel right. It doesn't work like that. Yes, I needed some time to slow down and heal my soul a bit, but it's time to forge ahead again. It's time to find my path.

As always, I'm not really certain which path I'll be on. There are a number of outside influences that will dictate which direction is the right one. But waiting around for those 'possibilities' isn't going to help me. Just need to work with the knowledge that I have now.

I'm thankful that I can still look forward to my future, that my past isn't completely taking over.

Alone

Alone is safer, alone is sanity.

My heart can't take any more, too many cracks.

Can't see how love is worth the pain.

Tough Questions

First off, I am doing so much better than I was.  But, and yes that is a big but, I know I have a lot of stuff to work through.  I need to work much harder on balance in my life, as well as putting my needs further up the list.

I made it into counselling finally today, and it felt great to talk, and yes cry.  I was actually given homework, not sure I've had homework from counselling before.  One would think the particular question I was asked to answer would be easy, but I'm rather astounded at just how hard I'm finding it is!

What do I want?

Not what don't I want, and believe me, I have many answers for that one.

What do I want?

I honestly don't have a real answer.  Since I don't have an answer to that question, I can't answer the second one.

What can I do to achieve this?

Difficult questions that are going to require some serious thought.  I have put the needs of my children above my own (for the most part, it's not all them), that I'm starting to lose myself again.

I need balance.

Elusive sleep

In a bid to get better rest last night, I took 3 melatonin at 10 pm last night.  As sleepy as I got, sleep was elusive.  I laid there for hours, in and out of sleep.  No real thoughts going through my head, just random images.

The big question that is being asked, not just by others that I'm shutting out, but by myself.

WHAT IS WRONG?

I really wish I knew.  I really wish I had the answers.

But

I DON'T!

Maybe I don't want to know the answer this time.  Maybe I'm tired of always making things work.  Maybe I'm tired of being strong.

I just don't know...