Almost forgot to introduce Catch

In my earlier musings, I forgot to introduce the newest member of our family. She was picked up from our local humane society, a suggestion that Monkey made (I am very proud of him for this choice) when I said we could get another cat. Catch is a 5 month old grey tabby. She is very active, purrs beautifully, and even chatters a bit. She is settling in well so far, of course Luna has been in hiding ever since. Luna is in her 13th year, so with the moving, and now new cat, she has a right to be a bit grumpy. I do hope they can be friends eventually though.

The boys are over the moon with Catch especially Little Man, he is constantly running around calling out Kitty! He is good with her for the most part, but does need to learn how to hold her a bit better. Thankfully Catch is very tolerant of Little Man's attention, which is why I wanted a cat under 6 months of age. As I sat with her last night, I did wonder if I got her for the boys, or myself? It felt good to have something so little and sweet to hold, something that loves unconditionally. It felt like she was bringing me a little bit of healing with her rumbling purr.

Flashing back.

They say that when you die, your life flashes before your eyes. I believe that impending divorce is a lot like that. I find myself 'flashing' back to past events several times a day. Sometimes it's from going someplace that He and I went together, or doing something We did together, and other times it doesn't seem to correlate at all. What surprises me the most, is how mundane some of those things were, nothing really momentous. I would have thought it would be the big things that would get to me. Then again, it is the daily, mundane things, that really form our lives. The great big momentous events, are just that, events. Some of course are more central to who we are, like the first time you hold your baby in your arms, but most are things that we enjoy and then move on from.

These flashes usually leave me feeling a little sad, even a little lonely, which is saying a lot when I am surrounded by my three boisterous boys all day. I don't get weepy, or start crying, just feel sad that those moments will never happen again. I don't really miss Him right now, but I miss who he used to be, who We used to be. The person he has become I do not want in my life, I don't need that in my life, and of course I don't need Her in my life either. That is probably the whole crux of this situation, Her. In His quest for this new life, he has left behind something incredible. I wonder if he realizes just what he has given up, and that it is gone forever. I am not just talking about the boys, but about our marriage. He may say that we should never have been married, but I will not believe that. I was happy, nothing he says will change that. I loved him with every fiber of my being, and would have done anything in my power to make our marriage work. But, that choice was ripped away from me, by actions and choices that I was not a part of.

Will I ever forgive him for this? I don't know. Will we ever be friends again? Again, I can't say. I truly hope that one day we can, we have many years in which we must be co-parents to our three boys. For their sake, I pray that we can come to an understanding, and soon.

I'm Home!

I write this while sitting in my new house, the first night in my new house actually... it feels amazing! I got possession of the house last Wednesday, but spent the first 4 days cleaning and moving boxes. The furniture was moved in yesterday, which left me last night and today to get things ready to bring the boys over. They were so excited to get in here, didn't have too many issues this first night. Bug did say he wanted to sleep at Grandma's house, but I did convince him (wasn't that difficult) that he should stay here with me.

It feels so incredible to have all this space for myself and the boys, things were a little cramped at my parents house. The privacy is something I have been dreaming about for weeks, it's nice to have my own space to breath.

Things will be a bit crazy around here for the next week or so, I have someone coming to paint in the evenings, and of course the typical organizing and cleaning. Enough to keep me busy for a few weeks. One of the big items on my list is to get the garage sorted out so I can park the van in it. We had the first snow fall Saturday, and scraping snow and ice off my van is NOT my idea of fun. Let's just hope that the weather holds off for a little while, at least enough time to get the garage done.

I will start taking pictures of each room as it gets done, painting and organizing. I can't wait to see how it will all work out!

It's been a while....

So, it's been a number of weeks since my last post! Not sure why I haven't written, lots to say, just haven't felt like writing it down I guess. It's almost feels that since my life is in limbo right now, other things are in limbo too?!?!? Not sure if it makes sense, but it's how I feel! This limbo life will be over in just a few short days though, I can hardly wait to be in my new house. The boys are pretty excited too, I think we are all looking forward to our own place.

I of course am, and always will be, forever grateful to my parents for letting us stay with them this last month. It has been a total life saver for us, especially for the boys. It has really cemented their relationship with their grandparents, something they really need in this time of uncertainty. I am though really looking forward to having some privacy (and I'm sure my parents are looking forward to the quiet when we are gone) again, I'm not used to sharing my evenings with anyone anymore.

Only one real thing of note to mention tonight, I finally got a new tattoo!!! I absolutely love it, it feels like it has always been there. I can now hardly wait to plan and get my next one!

Being Single

First off, I LOVE my boys, and feel very blessed to have them in my life, but... this whole single Mom thing can really suck! I have no choice but to do everything with them, unless I can find someone to watch them. This includes Dr's appointments, grocery shopping, errands, clothes shopping (trust me, this one really sucks!), pretty much anything and everything that you encounter during the day. To just have a small break every other day of about an hour would be heaven sent! To not have to listen to the questions, fighting, crying, screaming, and general babble, to actually hear my own thoughts. I guess right now living with my parents I don't even get my quiet evenings, which is maybe why I am finding this so hard.

Before moving in here, I would spend my evenings either reading a book, cleaning, surfing online, sewing, relaxing. Pretty much anything I wanted to do, as long as it was at home. I just don't feel as comfortable doing most of that here, and of course somethings I want to do, I want privacy for... sorely lacking right now. Again, only 3 weeks!

I still don't know how long I will be doing this on my own, when He will be moving back here (he is presently living in England), or even if he will. As much as I don't want to not have the boys around, having every other weekend to myself to do with as I please would be rather nice. My social life is seriously lacking right now, as I have only been 'out' 3 or 4 times since May. Rather hard to meet people when you can't get out much. I don't necessarily want to date right now, but it would be nice to socialize. The idea of dating is kind of scary, I haven't thought along those lines in 13 years, and I'm sure things have changed since then too. Things have certainly changed for me, as I will always have 3 small boys to consider when I meet new men. I won't just be considering who would be good for me, but who would be okay with my boys. That will be one in the same from now on.

Ugh, can you tell I'm tired and my head is running around in circles??!?!? I just pray that tonight I can actually get a decent nights sleep!

School Season is upon us!

Monkey had his first day of school last Thursday, what a big milestone! My little boy is now attending 'Big Boy' school, it's amazing how quickly they grow up. I was proud that I didn't cry, but I did get teary. This Friday Bug will start back up at pre-school, he will be attending 3 days a week this year. I will actually have 3 mornings a week just with the Little Man! It will be really nice for Little Man to have some Mama time, he very rarely gets one on one time with me.

The boys and I are slowly settling into my parents house, I think it is harder on me then them. They get to see Grandma & Grandpa every day, which is pretty much heaven to them. But for me, it's not ideal. I really need and miss my quiet time each day, especially my privacy! There really isn't any room in the house that I can be guaranteed privacy. I am sharing a room with Little Man, and across the hall is Monkey & Bug. The rest of the rooms are of course common ones that are shared with my parents. I just keep reminding myself that it is only for 3 weeks... just 3 weeks. If I can camp alone with the 3 little boys, I can handle 3 weeks in my parents house!

Camping

I will come back on later to talk about our trip, but until then, enjoy the slide show!