Happy Freaking Birthday to Me!

Well, this is close to one of the worst birthdays I've had.  In some ways my fault, and in others, just the way things worked out.  The weather has sucked, crazy wet snow coming down in almost white out conditions.  This of course ruined my plans for the evening.  I also made a decision yesterday to stop trying to date, I just don't really have it in me right now.  I have worked so hard to get where I am, and I do still have a lot of work to do.  I also really don't want to ruin my progress by putting my happiness in someone else's domain.

I'm scared.

I'm scared of entering a relationship again, of putting my heart into someone else's hands.  And why shouldn't I be?  I had my heart broken by someone that I loved, who said he loved me too, yet he still broke my heart.  I'm also scared of putting my kids through another relationship, of bringing someone else into their lives.  I don't want to confuse them, they have so much to adjust to right now as it is.

There is someone that I would like to try having a relationship with...

So, here I sit alone, celebrating my 36th Birthday.  Don't feel sorry for me, being alone is something I do really need to get used to.  It's not really as bad as it sounds either, I would rather be alone right now then risk my sanity.  I still have a lot of improvements to make to myself, things I want to do.

Things 2...

Well, it has been an extremely busy week off of school!  I feel like I've really had little time to just enjoy things... except for Monday.  On that day I took the boys, along with my Mom, up to Banff for some walking around, as well as a chance to use the hot springs.  Which I won't be able to use for a few weeks because of my Tattoo.  The boys had a blast in the water, really need to make more time to go swimming with them once my tattoo is healed.  Monkey is getting very, very brave in the water.  It is such a nice change considering how scared he used to be, although it has it's draw backs as well.  I have to be extra vigilant keeping an eye on him.

My tattoo is healing, but is still very tender.  Putting a shirt on is uncomfortable, and sleeping isn't much better right now.  Another few days though and it should be much better.  Going to see about getting another session of lasering for my back next week, really want to get that finished off.  I don't want to get another tattoo until my back is done.  I will also need to chat with some artists about designing my next two as well.

I have a busy weekend off planned right now.  I'm heading out with a friend tonight for some drinking (not too much) and some dancing.  I will then be working for my Mom at her store Saturday, it's been many (at least 5) years since I have worked for her.  It will be interesting to see how that goes.  It's actually been that long since I last worked a job of any kind!  Scary!!!  I am then going on a date Saturday night, another scary thought!  I've been on a number since October, but it's still something that makes me nervous.  The joys of being single again!

Got it done!

Well, the new tattoo is done... ouch!  Took longer than I expected, 4 hours!  It was worth it though.  I didn't get the best pic of it afterwards, will have to wait till the bandage comes off in the morning before I take another one.  And here it is...

Tattoo time again!

I'm heading in to Tiki Town on Tuesday to get my next tattoo done... pretty excited, and a bit nervous too. I'm getting a Phoenix on my left arm, it will be about 8 inches long.

I will also be getting 'Embrace Love' put on the inside of my right wrist.  I somewhat nervous about all these tattoo's that will be so visible, but at the same time it feels right.  I am finally doing what feels right and I love that!

I'm also looking at buying a bike, a Honda Shadow to be exact.  There's one I'm very interested in, just need to figure out a time to look at it.  I have to take a friend who can ride with me, to test drive it.  I will then sign up for some lessons, and work hard to get my license.  I've been on the back of bikes since I was 12, had a scooter when I was 14, just never driven a motorcycle.  I was out for a ride last weekend with a friend, and it made me realize just how much I want to do this.

So many changes coming along for me, but they all feel so right... my life if finally moving forward.

Now that I'm dating again...

I found this article at CNN the other day, and it got me thinking about my own 'list'.  Here's the article.  For myself the 'big' items on my list are...

• Honesty & openness
• Acceptance of my boys, who will always be my priority
• Accept me for who I am, not try to change or mold me
• Communication, whether it's the big things or just some conversation
• Confidence, but not conceit

These are the key things for me, the ones that must be found.  Looks are not really on the list, it's more about what attracts me to that person... and it's not always how someone looks.  To me confidence is what I find attractive, if you are confident about yourself, it shows.

I want to find someone to share my life with, my dreams and my passions.  They don't have to have the same dreams, but be willing to acknowledge mine, and help me work towards them.  I am always willing to help others work towards their dreams.  I want to find dreams that can be shared, pursued, and enjoyed together.  I really just want a partner in my life.

I'm sure it will take many years to find this 'person', but I could be lucky and meet them tomorrow... or who knows, they may already be in my life and I just don't know it yet.  This is just another journey for me, another aspect of finding me.

New Tattoo

Well, last Friday I went for another tattoo.  It's a small one, just two words on my left inside wrist.

This tattoo is my reminder, a reminder that I can't run away from the pain in my life, but that I need to embrace it and move on.  I have gone through many kinds of pain in my life, and I have tried my best to work through it when I can.  I push through pain when I go for a run, I've gone through the pain of birthing my boys, I've survived the pain of my 'Husband' cheating and leaving me.  I have not walked away from this pain, I have embraced and worked through it.

Not all of the pain in my life has been by my choice, not all the pain has been wanted.  But, I will not allow it rule my life, I will not dwell in it.  I am thinking that I should have 'Embrace Love' put on the inside of my right wrist.  Another reminder for me to embrace Love when I find it, to not worry so much about the pain that may, or may not, come about.  Love and Pain are facts of life, embrace them.

Tattoo fix ups and new ones

I'm hoping to get another laser session done to my tattoo this coming weekend.  If I'm lucky it will be the last session, and then on to getting the colours done in the proper order.  I am also getting geared up for getting a few more that I have ideas for.

The big one will most likely wait until the summer or fall, it will start at my left hip, work across my back, and then come up my right shoulder.  That would be mine and the boys birth flowers, which are Daisy (mine), Lily of the Valley (Monkey), Carnation (Bug), and Chrysanthemum (Little Man).  I like the style of this one, and think it would work well for the mixing of flowers I would like to do.

I would also like to get a tree of life (still deciding on the styling) on my calf and ankle.  I would like the roots to come down along my foot (to remind me to stay grounded), and have the tree come up along the outside of my calf.  The last one (which I am highly tempted to get this weekend)  would be the words 'Embrace Pain' in japanese characters.  This one I'm not 100% sure where I want it.  When I think about it, I think of my right upper arm, but I'm just not positive!?  Along my right thigh/hip would be nice too.


All these things to think about!